..........and my heart sank. (continued from previous article)

When I arrived to visit with the man that I thought I had feelings for (since I was 18 years old but due to never being single at the same time had never explored those feelings) a woman came walking around from the side of the house. A woman I did not recognize and had never seen before.  

I stopped and sat in the truck for a moment. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I wanted to turn around and leave but no matter what Michael and I had always been friends and I couldn't let my own pride get in the way of that. I climbed out of my truck as this woman looked at me without a clue as to who I was or what I was doing at her house.  

I introduced myself and told her I had come out to see Michael and meet her. We sat in the yard for a couple of hours and visited. Before I left I asked Michael about them to see how serious they were and he told me they were pretty serious. My heart sank in my chest and I felt tears welling up but I managed to stuff them down ( I am getting really good at hiding my feelings).  We exchanged numbers and I said I needed to head home for the evening.

On the drive home I couldn't help but to let the tears spill over. I realized I had missed an opportunity. It had taken me too long to get things in my life settled so that I could reconnect with him and he had moved on.  I began thinking I wasn't important enough to him for him to stay connected to me and I had missed my opportunity with him. He was the only guy I knew that had all the qualities I wanted in a man but because of past circumstances I had missed my opportunity to find out if he was the one for me.  

As I arrived home I couldn't stop crying and began to think, "Am I going to be alone forever?"  "Is there anyone out there for me?"  "How am I ever going to meet anyone?"

It seems the older I get the more difficult it is to meet people. With all my friends being paired off and involved with their own families it feels like I have no opportunities to meet other single people.  I know some single people but they seem to spend their time at the bars and that is just not where I want to be. 

I thought about all the people I knew and I realized how many people I knew and they all seemed to have found someone.........why couldn't I?  Even my ex husband who had drug problems and multiple children by multiple women and an invasive family seemed to be able to find someone to share his life with. Why couldn't I?

All I wanted was someone who understood family values, had a decent job, lived a simple life, enjoyed adventure, travel, animals, spending time with me, could hold a conversation with me, could be a partner in a life.  Was this too much to ask? What was wrong with me that no one was interested in me?

As I sit here writing this today the healthy part of me keeps saying "there's someone out there for you, you just haven't found him yet" but the realistic part of me says, "where is he hiding?"  

Is it a missed opportunity?

16 years ago I met Michael.  I was dating one of Michael's fraternity brothers at the time.  We became close friends quickly but Michael let me know that if I were single he would like more.  For years we remained friends but were never single at the same time. It was clear to both of us that there were feelings between us but neither of us ever acted upon it because we were involved with other people.  

In 2005 I filed for divorce and a few months before it was final I was planning a trip to Brownwood to visit home and decided to call Michael to let him know I would be in town.  Michael was happy to hear from me and wanted to come see me that day.  I didn't have a reason why not so I told him where I was living at the time.  Michael arrived and we decided to go out to eat but a neighbor came over and invited us over for BBQ so we went there instead. Then we returned to my house where we talked and caught up.  I received a phone call that afternoon about an interview the next morning for a job so  we called it a night early. Michael was a perfect gentleman.

The next morning I woke up and headed to the place I was supposed to have an interview. Things went well and I got the job, but the problem was it was nights and they wanted me to start that night.  I returned to my home to tell Michael that our weekend was going to have to be cut short because I needed to eat and then take a nap that afternoon before starting the new job that night.  He understood and we went to lunch and then he packed up and prepared to leave.  We talked for a bit more and I told him to call me. He left.

I started the job that night and it took me a few months to get accustomed to the night schedule. I hated the job and I became very depressed.  The divorce took it's toll on me and was finalized Jan. 16th 2006.  With all the stresses of running my household, and trying to make ends meet and dealing with an ex that was not meeting his financial obligations I had very little time for anything else and a few months went by before I realized that Michael had not contacted me.  I thought it might have been because of his own job but wasn't sure.  

I continued looking for better employment and working towards my goals of getting out of my current situation.  When I did find day time employment things did not improve and I ended up working more than ever and still not having time to have any kind of social life. I lost touch with friends and family and if I wasn't at work, I was trying to take care of chores or trying to sleep. My stress was increasing with every day and I was spiraling deeper into depression every day.  A month turned into a year and then years and things were not getting any better.

Soon I started looking into starting my own company. I wanted to move back to home to be closer to friends and family and re establish contact with Michael.  In April of 2010 I finally accomplished my goals. It took me a bit to get settled into my new home but I was so proud that I had accomplished my goals of starting my own company and moving back home to be closer to Karen and my sister and niece and some old friends.  

I was going to go see Michael in mid June but one of my oldest friend's mother passed away and she came to stay with me for a week so my visit was delayed a bit.  I had never talked to anyone accept Michael about my feelings for him over the years and I thought a few more days couldn't hurt. After all I didn't even know if he was single.  I just knew I needed to go let him know I was hear and wanted to see him.  There was a sense of urgency that I felt.  I hadn't been able to get him off my mind at all that week. I felt as if something was pulling me, urging me to go and see him.  

The Saturday evening after I drove my friend to meet her sister in law to go to the airport; I headed back out towards Bangs Tx to go see Michael.  I headed down the road he lived on and as I got closer to the house I could see him in the yard on the riding lawn mower.  My heart seemed to speed up as I drove down his drive way.  I pulled around his small little 2 bedroom house to the back where his truck was parked and that is when my heart sank.