Unchartered Territory

As the next few weeks went by I spent more time with Michael and his boys and had a blast. Then one night as I was getting ready to drive home, Michael walked me out to my truck as usual and as I went to hug him (as I had several times before) he leaned in and kissed me.

What did that mean? Why did he kiss me? I was confused. Just a few months before I had grown accustomed to thinking I would spend the rest of my life single with my dog and I had accepted that.  What was this and what did it mean?

I feared that he had kissed me out of a sense of comfort and familiarity, after all we had been each other's "first love". He was the boy that I shared my first kiss with.  He was the boy I spent all my afternoons with shortly after I had lost my mother, he was the first friend I made in a new a town. We did share a history.  We had both experienced a horrible divorce years earlier and had both been single and alone for a few years. Was he just looking for comfort? Was I comfort?

The First Meeting

Michael was happy to see me! He gave me his cell number and told me we needed to get together. The next day we texted a bit, just catching up on old times. For a week we continued to catch up via text messages and I learned that the two boys that had been at the store with him were his sons. He had custody of them and had them every other day.  I thought this was an unusual custody arrangement at the time but now I understand it.
We talked about getting together and I suggested that we hang out on Friday.  He agreed and so that was the plan.

Friday came and it was my usual day of running errands but once all of that was done I came home to clean up and get ready to go hang out with Michael as we had planned earlier in the week, since he didn't have his kids. Evening came about the time we were supposed to meet and nothing. An hour later I texted him and he said he was running late and would call me back.  Then nothing again.  I was irritated so I called it a day and started reading Gone, the book I had been reading at that time.

Around 9ish that night he texted apologized and asked if we could see each other the next day.  I agreed.
The next day came and evening arrived and I called asking when he wanted to get together. He said now and we agreed to meet at his house.  I went over and it was nice seeing an old friend. We laughed and played with his boys and it was a nice evening.  I came home happy I had stepped outside of my normal comfort zone and  re connected with an old friend.  He had not changed a bit and it was nice. It wasn't until 2 months later that I discovered he had purposely not met with me that Friday night because he was scared of the possibilities.

I never would have thought

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I decided to head to the grocery store buy some groceries I was running short on.  I brushed out my hair and through on a light gray tank top and a pair of blue jean cut offs and headed to the local grocery store.  Quickly, I realized that I had taken the wrong route and ended up at the local Wal-Mart instead of my desired grocery store. Since I was already there I decided to go ahead and just run in.  I went about my business and then headed to the check out.  While the lady rang up my items and placed them in the bags I looked up and noticed, Michael.  

Michael was the first boy I ever kissed. We use to spend hours playing in the field behind his house, climbing trees and riding bikes.  We were boyfriend and girlfriend up till Jr High and then we both went our separate ways for one reason or another. Even after growing up and moving on and moving away I often thought back to Michael and wondered how he was, how his life had turned out and if he ever thought of me.

When I had moved back to my home town 4 months previously, I had told myself that I was going to try and look him up and see how he was doing, but no one I had asked seemed know where he was or how to get in touch with him.  Here 4 months later he was standing in front of me at the check out with two little boys.  Now, I had to decide was I going to walk over to him and give him my number or ask for his? Was he happy to see me too, or just being polite?

Why I decided to start my own business

After years of working in administrative positions at various small businesses, I was worn down and discouraged by the unethical behavior from employers I decided it was now or never to start my own company.  I started out slowly just getting enough clients to pay my bills but have now branched out and have 2 part time persons that help with periodic projects.

It has been a long hard road to travel but with hard work and determination I am committed to growing and expanding and providing others with job opportunities and a decent ethical employer.  The declarations of powerlessness people make about their employment situations is enough to launch me into action to change my own life.

My biggest complaints about previous employers was a lack of flexibility in the schedules, unethical behaviors and practices, and not enough pay for education and experience.  Now, I have no one to blame but myself if I am not happy! I now can get up in the mornings, make my coffee, sit outside and enjoy the sounds of the birds, do my morning yoga and meditation and leisurely start my work day when I am ready.  I can take time off during the day or week if events come up such as spending time with my niece or sister, going on a trip, running errands etc. I can play all day and work at night if I want to!

This has been the best thing for me and I am pray that I will continue to make clients happy so that I can provide the same opportunities for others.

After Missing a Few Weeks..........

I know I have been slacking the last couple of weeks but I have been busy with Summer coming to an end.

First things first, after feeling like the finish line was so far away; I have finally completed my MBA program and commencement ceremonies are scheduled for November! This has been a long road to travel but I am extremely glad I did it! Now, hopefully I will put to use all the new information I have learned in my own company and continue to grow and meet my goal of hiring a full time employee by the end of this year.  

The other things that have been keeping me busy is spending time with my sister and niece! My niece is my most favorite person in the world so any time I spend with her is always special to me! We have gone on shopping trips, days around town, hanging out at the houses etc. and it's always a little bitter sweet for me because she is growing up so fast and before we all know it she will be off to college and on her own.  

Reconnecting with old friends since moving back to Brownwood has also kept me busy. Walking 3 nights a week with an old friend and our dogs kept me busy during the week but once the temps started hitting over 100 I had to change walking times because Koda and I needed it to be a bit cooler when we walked but once the weather is cooler hopefully we will start walking again too!  For the time being I will add taebo back to my work our routine in hopes of kick starting some more weight loss. 

As Fall approaches I am looking forward to fall plants arriving for planting and working on the landscaping around the new house more!

..........and my heart sank. (continued from previous article)

When I arrived to visit with the man that I thought I had feelings for (since I was 18 years old but due to never being single at the same time had never explored those feelings) a woman came walking around from the side of the house. A woman I did not recognize and had never seen before.  

I stopped and sat in the truck for a moment. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I wanted to turn around and leave but no matter what Michael and I had always been friends and I couldn't let my own pride get in the way of that. I climbed out of my truck as this woman looked at me without a clue as to who I was or what I was doing at her house.  

I introduced myself and told her I had come out to see Michael and meet her. We sat in the yard for a couple of hours and visited. Before I left I asked Michael about them to see how serious they were and he told me they were pretty serious. My heart sank in my chest and I felt tears welling up but I managed to stuff them down ( I am getting really good at hiding my feelings).  We exchanged numbers and I said I needed to head home for the evening.

On the drive home I couldn't help but to let the tears spill over. I realized I had missed an opportunity. It had taken me too long to get things in my life settled so that I could reconnect with him and he had moved on.  I began thinking I wasn't important enough to him for him to stay connected to me and I had missed my opportunity with him. He was the only guy I knew that had all the qualities I wanted in a man but because of past circumstances I had missed my opportunity to find out if he was the one for me.  

As I arrived home I couldn't stop crying and began to think, "Am I going to be alone forever?"  "Is there anyone out there for me?"  "How am I ever going to meet anyone?"

It seems the older I get the more difficult it is to meet people. With all my friends being paired off and involved with their own families it feels like I have no opportunities to meet other single people.  I know some single people but they seem to spend their time at the bars and that is just not where I want to be. 

I thought about all the people I knew and I realized how many people I knew and they all seemed to have found someone.........why couldn't I?  Even my ex husband who had drug problems and multiple children by multiple women and an invasive family seemed to be able to find someone to share his life with. Why couldn't I?

All I wanted was someone who understood family values, had a decent job, lived a simple life, enjoyed adventure, travel, animals, spending time with me, could hold a conversation with me, could be a partner in a life.  Was this too much to ask? What was wrong with me that no one was interested in me?

As I sit here writing this today the healthy part of me keeps saying "there's someone out there for you, you just haven't found him yet" but the realistic part of me says, "where is he hiding?"  

Is it a missed opportunity?

16 years ago I met Michael.  I was dating one of Michael's fraternity brothers at the time.  We became close friends quickly but Michael let me know that if I were single he would like more.  For years we remained friends but were never single at the same time. It was clear to both of us that there were feelings between us but neither of us ever acted upon it because we were involved with other people.  

In 2005 I filed for divorce and a few months before it was final I was planning a trip to Brownwood to visit home and decided to call Michael to let him know I would be in town.  Michael was happy to hear from me and wanted to come see me that day.  I didn't have a reason why not so I told him where I was living at the time.  Michael arrived and we decided to go out to eat but a neighbor came over and invited us over for BBQ so we went there instead. Then we returned to my house where we talked and caught up.  I received a phone call that afternoon about an interview the next morning for a job so  we called it a night early. Michael was a perfect gentleman.

The next morning I woke up and headed to the place I was supposed to have an interview. Things went well and I got the job, but the problem was it was nights and they wanted me to start that night.  I returned to my home to tell Michael that our weekend was going to have to be cut short because I needed to eat and then take a nap that afternoon before starting the new job that night.  He understood and we went to lunch and then he packed up and prepared to leave.  We talked for a bit more and I told him to call me. He left.

I started the job that night and it took me a few months to get accustomed to the night schedule. I hated the job and I became very depressed.  The divorce took it's toll on me and was finalized Jan. 16th 2006.  With all the stresses of running my household, and trying to make ends meet and dealing with an ex that was not meeting his financial obligations I had very little time for anything else and a few months went by before I realized that Michael had not contacted me.  I thought it might have been because of his own job but wasn't sure.  

I continued looking for better employment and working towards my goals of getting out of my current situation.  When I did find day time employment things did not improve and I ended up working more than ever and still not having time to have any kind of social life. I lost touch with friends and family and if I wasn't at work, I was trying to take care of chores or trying to sleep. My stress was increasing with every day and I was spiraling deeper into depression every day.  A month turned into a year and then years and things were not getting any better.

Soon I started looking into starting my own company. I wanted to move back to home to be closer to friends and family and re establish contact with Michael.  In April of 2010 I finally accomplished my goals. It took me a bit to get settled into my new home but I was so proud that I had accomplished my goals of starting my own company and moving back home to be closer to Karen and my sister and niece and some old friends.  

I was going to go see Michael in mid June but one of my oldest friend's mother passed away and she came to stay with me for a week so my visit was delayed a bit.  I had never talked to anyone accept Michael about my feelings for him over the years and I thought a few more days couldn't hurt. After all I didn't even know if he was single.  I just knew I needed to go let him know I was hear and wanted to see him.  There was a sense of urgency that I felt.  I hadn't been able to get him off my mind at all that week. I felt as if something was pulling me, urging me to go and see him.  

The Saturday evening after I drove my friend to meet her sister in law to go to the airport; I headed back out towards Bangs Tx to go see Michael.  I headed down the road he lived on and as I got closer to the house I could see him in the yard on the riding lawn mower.  My heart seemed to speed up as I drove down his drive way.  I pulled around his small little 2 bedroom house to the back where his truck was parked and that is when my heart sank.

Finding my way through the murky waters

Each day when I wake up, I take NaKoda outside to take care of her business and I sit and enjoy the sounds of the outdoors and thank God for the blessings he has shared with me.  I try to use this early morning time to mediate and think about all the goals and dreams I have for myself and how I am going to proceed in accomplishing these things.

I can never completely quiet the anxiety that rises within me though about if I am going to be able to continue my work, grow my business and create the life I desire. Right now things are improving on a weekly basis but still having the uncertainty of if I am going to succeed still lingers. The unknown if I will be able to maintain my clients, support myself and continue to grow in order to meet my goal of being able to provide jobs for others who are also desiring a change in their work lives and lifestyles is a constant reminder that I could fail and then where would  I be?

I so dearly love the lifestyle I have been able to provide for myself of being able to work from anywhere, any time while being able too spend more time with my loved ones. I want to continue this lifestyle. It means so much to me to be able to have a flexible schedule in order to have a more complete and happy life.  Previously, when I worked a strict schedule of 8-5, working for an employer who did not appreciate my skills and talents, and the success I brought to their company I did not have time to enjoy life. Engage in volunteer work, family activities, and spend time with friends. I was unhappy and lonely a lot of the time because my schedule conflicted with everything I wanted to do.

So each day I wake up, pray that I am heading in the right direction and making the right decisions and learning as I go - how to continue on.

Self Discovery

Over Memorial Day weekend I had a lot of down time to think about my life's direction. I realized, while I am pretty happy with my life and the direction it is taking; there are still areas in which I want to discover myself. One of those areas my spiritual beliefs.  For years I have struggled with what I believe, my experiences with religious organizations and what I am comfortable with.

For many people they attend church. They are excited about their church and they believe what their pastor tells them without any desire to research or discover the information on their own.  In my experience, some of these people are the same people you see all week long behaving in unethical or immoral ways but are in the church pews every Sunday. These people have turned me away.  Some of these people are devoted and try to behave in a manner that they believe is right and are at the church almost every time the doors are open and believe that you have to go to church in order to worship.  I have always questioned this because I have never understood why people have to leave their own environment, dress up, and go to another location in order to worship.  What is wrong with worshiping in your daily life, in your surroundings? I can understand the need for fellowship with like minded people but does that always have to be a building where organized religion takes place? Can my sister's backyard during a bbq not be considered fellowship with like minded people who pray and discuss and learn together be fellowship?

Prioritize your life

Many of us feel we spend our days putting out fires and accomplishing nothing we really wanted to accomplish during the course of our day. Sometimes this leads to bringing work home or spending long hours at our offices trying to accomplish all the things we thought were important and needed to be done (taking time away from our families and personal lives).  Recently, in meeting a colleague told me she put in a 12 hour day at a manufacturing plant and then spent another 2 hours per day staying after her shift has ended in order to complete all the paperwork, emails, and phone calls she could not get accomplished while the floor crew were around; due to constant interruptions.   This meant that Jane worked her normal 12 hour shift each day for her salary and then put in an additional 2 hours each day for no pay and this stole valuable time she could have been spending with her 2 small children. 

I suggested she create a list of:

·         Important;  urgent

·         Important; not urgent

·         urgent; not important

·         not important; not urgent tasks

                On this list she should include not only work related tasks but life tasks too such as playing with children, calling best friend, and reporting time sheets to HR. Once we begin to look at all our activities in these four categories we realize that some things just do not need our attention and some things we can hire others to handle.  One way to outline all the things in our life that truly need our attention and those that don’t we can use note cards.  Include your dreams, goals, plans and ideas.  The next step is to make two piles:  things that have to be done this very minute (or at least we think they do) and things that can wait.  Continue to narrow down each pile according to the list above and the things that do not fall under any of the four tasks can be thrown out immediately. (for example: read junk mail) Once you see these lists in writing it helps to prioritize your life! Instead of spending countless hours reading e-mails we don’t really care about we could have written our best a long e-mail catching up on the important things in life and maintaining our personal relationship.

                OK, OK. You’ve created a list of tasks that need to be accomplished in a timely fashion, tasks that can wait, and task that are not important but there’s still not enough hours in the day for you to balance work responsibilities and life.  To help create a healthy balance and live a more fulfilling life while accomplishing all those work related tasks still needing  to be completed is to delegate tasks to others. One simple way to do this is to hire a virtual assistant.  Perhaps on Mondays we want to be out of the office by noon so we have plenty of time to exercise, attend your child’s baseball practice and still be able to make a home cooked meal for your family before falling into bed and starting the routine all over again.  However, there are so many things that need to be done at the office such as checking time cards, reporting the numbers to our payroll clerk, promote a new service or product, scheduling meetings and e-mailing colleagues, customers, co workers, and following up on correspondence.  All of these items are tasks that can be delegated to a virtual assistant and while you enjoy the rewards of hard work and family things are still being accomplished! Remember if you are stuck trying to figure out things that are important and need to be accomplished and things that can just be discarded a virtual assistant can help you to organize your schedule and tasks as well! 

Reflections on Life

Last night I returned to the high school I attended for the first times since I graduated in 1995.  I returned to walk around the track with my NaKoda. As I walked around the track I thought about the years I actually attended there and all the events and experiences of my youth and the people I went to school with.  

I thought about all the people that were my "friends" at back then and how many of them actually remained a part of my life over the past 15 years. One thought that kept  coming back to me was something that I have heard from several people over the years, "Brownwood sucks, I hate that town, I will never go back there" and I kept thinking about all the people in other locations who say the same thing about the towns they lived in. It's as if we blame the actual towns for whatever negative experiences we had growing up. 

The thing is every town is pretty much the same. Politics, law enforcement, etc. all have issues that people don't like. The actual town though has nothing to do with any issues. The town is just a geographical location. Since moving back I have realized that Brownwood is not a bad little town. There has been growth while I was away and there have been some improvements and the actual town is a cute little small Texas town. Downtown has been cleaned up and reminds me of the way the town use to look back in the old days (from what pictures I have seen) A lot of the neighborhoods I remember being in bad shape have experienced clean ups and actually are decent looking now, new businesses have come to the area.   

I think about the issues I experienced that made me want to leave Brownwood and I realize that none of those experiences ever had anything to do with the actual town. (Well when I was younger I wanted to live where there were more things to do).  Most of my issues were with my so called "family" and "friends". My "family" proved to me day after day that they weren't really my family and friends did the same. It took me many years to work through the feelings of abandonment and neglect my family left me with that led to me being emancipated at 16. It took me awhile to realize that they were never going to understand what a true family was and that they were always going to be the people they were.  I realized that the people who said they were my friends but knew very little about me and were never truly friends were always going to be the same way too. I realized all of these things and through working through my issues and realizing that some things were out of my control, I was just going to have to learn to be ok with.  

As I continued my walk around the track and thought of how far I had come and how much I had learned about myself, human nature and what i wanted in the future I realized I had achieved FREEDOM! I was free from all my baggage. I had freed myself from other people's drama and I enjoyed who I was and all I had accomplished in life. I may not be some big Fortune 500 executive, I may not be a celebrity, but I had worked hard and accomplished many things in my life and still had many years to go to continue to grow and gain more success in my life! 

I realized I was glad to be back in Brownwood and that it could be a great place to be if I let it be!

Quotes

"why should big companies have the fun? Why can’t I join the biggest trend of the century? Why can’t I outsource life?" Tim Ferris

Karen's Fight

After finishing the last round of chemo we were all excited to relax and wait for test results to see what success chemo was going to bring to Karen.

A couple of weeks ago Karen rushed to the hospital because she was having difficulty breathing and could not stop coughing. After a series of tests we found out her lung tissue was inflamed. The doctor's were hopeful and were relieved it was not congenital heart failure. I must admit I was relieved too but I still was fearful.  So many memories of my own mother's struggles and her suffering were flooding my mind and I was trying to stay positive for Karen. I do not want to lose a second mother to the same damn disease!

Karen was in the hospital for a few days and then the doctors sent her home with steroids and orders to return in a couple of weeks for a check up.  As the days went by she reported to us that she was feeling better even though we could see she was still having difficulty breathing.  I pray for her every day.  Tuesday she went back to the hospital on doctor's orders because her check up reflected no changes in the tests and the doctor's wanted to do a lung biopsy to be safe.  She had the biopsy yesterday and now is recovering and we are waiting for the results.

This is one of the most difficult things to deal with. I fear every day that I am going to lose my second mother to the same disease I lost my biological mother. I fear that if I lose her I will lose my "family". I fear that we will not remain family if Karen is gone. I fear that she will miss seeing Railey grow up. I fear she will miss all the things she still wants to do in her lifetime.  With all the old memories coming back I find myself often crying  randomly.  I told a friend of all the horrible experiences I have had in my life - losing my mother and watching her suffer was the one thing I did not feel I could do again.

My first week in Brownwood

My first week back in Brownwood was hectic of course from trying to keep work flowing, school flowing, setting up the new house and of course it was Karen's birthday weekend!

Even with all the added stresses of a move, work, and school all things just seem to bother me less. I am so glad to be back home where my family and friends are. I have already reconnected with 2 "old" friends and that has been one of the best parts.

I spent the first weekend back home at Karen's with her and Johnny and my niece Railey, just playing! Railey and I wondered down the road and in the pastures so she could pick a bucket of wildflowers for Granny!

The only thing that did not go so smoothly happened on Monday of the first week. Of course it would happen on Monday would Monday be a Monday without some sort of crisis?  I received a phone call from my old neighbor in Stephenville.  The renter called me after signing the lease and giving me the deposit and first months rent and told me her husband had left her and that she would not be able to afford the house alone. Great! Well, the deposit of course was non refundable - thank goodness because I had canceled 5 appointments to show the house after she signed the lease and canceled the ad in the newspaper.  Of course she wanted to know why she couldn't have all her money back and she was crying on the phone. I explained to her why it wasn't refundable. I told her I would refund the 1st months rent.  We set up a time to meet.  Within a few minutes her mother called me. Her mother proceeded to yell and scream on the phone until I informed her that my agreement was not with her and I would not discuss the matter with her, especially since she was being so belligerent on the phone.  A few minutes later her father called me. I informed him of the law. Told him where he could look to read the law for himself and informed him I would not be discussing the matter any further with anyone who had not signed the legally binding contract.

The day I set up to meet the renter I went to the house first to inspect. After all she had the keys to the property and I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong before I refunded anything to her.  I walked in the house and was amazed. She had started repainting the kitchen in the house, had taken all the curtains in the house down and they were in a pile in the middle of the kitchen floor, there was some kind of powder sprinkled all over the floors (which confused me because there is no carpet in the house).   I called her immediately and asked her why she had left the house in such condition. She stated she had started to move in when her husband let her know he was leaving her. I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to ask for her deposit back after breaking the legal agreement with me, have her mother call and scream at me on the phone, then have her father call me again and leave the house in the condition she was leaving it.  She had no response. I think she got my point.  I met with her and got the keys back.

I returned home and put another ad in the paper to find another tenant.  I had about 15 calls over the next few days and I scheduled the viewings all for the following Saturday at the exact same time. about 10 of those callers showed up. It was crazy! I ended up getting a couple of applications. One checked out perfectly.  I met with them the following week to sign the lease and give them the keys.  I came home relieved.  2 days later my Stephenville neighbor called me telling me the people had come to his house that morning and gave him the keys.  They stated their mother had fallen in the kitchen on a throw rug and they decided they couldn't have her there. (Why not remove the throw rug?) Oh well. Another deposit that was mine.  Thank goodness the ad was still running.

I said a little prayer to God to send me the perfect tenant who was going take care of the house and stay there for a long period of time. About 5 minutes later my phone rang. I didn't want to answer it right at that moment so I let it go to voicemail.. I retrieved the voicemail and to my surprise it was an acquaintance that had purchased one of NaKoda and NaNook's puppies from me approximately 2 years before who I had stayed in touch with.  They were shocked to here my voicemail too! I returned her call immediately! We completed the paperwork via email and she went to the bank and deposited the funds for me. I had her pick the keys up from the neighbor as soon as the funds had cleared and she's been there for the last 2 weeks!

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. Henry Ford

My first day in my new home

Saturday morning Koda and I woke up early. It was nice. I was excited, a new day and a new house to set up! I had a tenant for the Stephenville house (a woman and her husband and their 2 boys). All was good.

I got up and got dressed because who knew what time the Direct TV people were coming. They say between 8 & 12 but we all know how that goes.  We immediately started unpacking and setting up all the tv's in the house (1 in office, 1 in living room and 1 in bedroom) to make things move along faster. I discovered that I was having issues with my internet service and I had to finish a paper for school and get it turned in that day so that meant I had to drive out to Karen's to use her  internet connection.  The Direct TV people finally showed up at about 11am (nothing like cutting it close to the deadline).  They went to work but were very chatty which was irritating to me because I just wanted them to focus on setting the service up and getting out of there. I continued to unpack things and the phone rang.  It was Karen! She asked me if I was hungry and of course I was - I realized at that point that I had not stopped to eat since Thursday evening and it was now lunch time on Saturday.  She came over with my niece Railey and a bucket of KFC. Mmmm Mmm good!  We ate and she helped me unpack a bit and we visited for a while and as the Direct TV people (now about 3pm) loaded up to leave I told her I would be at her house in a bit to work on my paper!

This was going to be Koda's first time by herself in the new house. I left the television in the living room on for her, made sure she had food and water (of course the dog has food but no human food in the house) and I told her I would be back in a couple of hours! I headed out to Karen's to work on my paper and get it turned in!  Of course since it was so late in the evening by the time I finished the paper Karen asked me to stay for dinner - of course I would. It was now about 7pm and I sure did not want to run to the store before going home for the night!  It was time to leave and I realized: I don't have to drive an hour now to get home! It's like 5 minutes away!

The second night at the new house was much better! I spent a couple of more hours unpacking the kitchen. One room down! Yippie! The kitchen was now completely unpacked and organized and I now I could work on another room but that was going to have to wait until Sunday. I was tired and the bathtub was calling my name again!

Taking a Breathe

I know that I have been away for awhile and I appreciate all my readers being patient while I was away. Let me catch you up on all my latest happenings!

Last month I successfully closed on another house! (I posted pictures in a previous post) I moved back home to Brownwood to be closer to the woman I call mom - Karen. She has been fighting cancer since September. She completed her chemo treatments last month about the same time I was closing on and moving into my new house. Spring was here the weather was beautiful and I was going to be close to Karen, as well as, my sister, niece and various old friends I had not seen in years.

I accepted my bio dad's offer to help move me. We discussed it and decided to do the move early on a Saturday morning. However, about 5 days prior to the move date I received a call from his wife. She kept asking me questions about going ahead and starting the move on Thursday or Friday morning. I told her, "Debbie, I won't even have access to the house until Friday morning after the 10am closing appointment." She said, "oh I know but maybe you could borrow more than one trailer from someone and leave a load setting somewhere until you have the keys." What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I want to leave all of my belongings loaded on some trailer somewhere in Brownwood just to start moving a couple of days early? I told her no that wasn't an option especially since it was supposed to be raining all that week that the earliest I could start moving things would be Friday afternoon. She said ok, your dad will follow you to Stephenville to get a load on Friday instead of Saturday then. Hmmm weird. Why was she in such a rush? She made me feel like he really didn't want to help me. If that was the case I was going to be pissed off. This man had neglected and abandoned me my entire life. I had stayed away from him for years because I was sick of the feeling of neglect. After all these years I decided to give him one more try and if he backed out on me the one time he was supposed to help me (keep in mind - he volunteered, I did not ask) I would never speak to him again.

Well needless to say Friday rolled around. I had spent the previous day loading the trailer I borrowed from Karen. I was heading off to sign the closing papers on the new house and unload the first load. My friend Amber met me at the new house and we (including her 4 year old son Pierce) unloaded the first load! Whew! I was already getting tired. Now I needed to run to Debbie's store and meet Dad to head back to Stephenville. I arrived and guess what..........they were not there. They were out running errands together and now it was starting to rain. Ugh! I told him I would be there around noon. It was now 12:30pm. What was he doing. This was his idea! Ugh! I called him on his cell. They would be back in a minute. I told him hurry, it was raining and we needed to hurry. Finally around 1:15pm or so they showed up. Debbie was gonna go with us....why? She wasn't going to be able to help. She couldn't stand for more than 5 seconds at a time....blah blah blah......whatever let's get on the road.

They followed me up to Stephenville. Where we proceeded to load everything left at the house. We parked along the property on the side street in order to load both trailers at the same time. Psycho neighbor ( I have talked about him previously) comes driving down the road and then just sits there like they can't get by. We specifically parked so that people could drive by. We waved them to go on and continued to load the trailers. Not surprisingly, a police car pulls up. You have to be kidding me I tell the officer as he gets out of his car. He says have ya'll been blocking traffic? I say no! We have been parked liked this for the past hour and everyone has been able to drive thru. I tell him not to worry, I was loading the last bit of my belongings and would be out of that town for good! (I didn't want him to tell psycho neighbor I still owned the house and harass the new tenant). The officer leaves laughing.

We finish loading which I will admit it was a great help to have my dad there but I wish he could make a decision without having to be led around by his nose. Every time he picked something up he would ask me, "what trailer do you want this in?", "What do you want me to load next?", "what else goes?" I swear I said flatbed trailer, covered trailer, and everything goes more times in 2 hours than I had ever said in my life!

Finally, we were headed back on the road to Brownwood


So who was calling me? You might be wondering. My dad. He was calling to tell me that he and Debbie were calling her son to have him bring the 4 boys they had custody of (that's a long story for another day) to meet us at my new house (Great) to help unload the trailers in the rain. Ok, fine whatever. I was so exhausted at this point I just wanted his trailer unloaded so I could be alone at my new house. It was about 8pm by this time. It had been more than a long day. We arrived at the house and of course the first thing out of dad's mouth was, what do you want to do now? "Unload the trailers" is all I said. I opened the house and put Koda inside. Thank God for her or I might have lost my mind. We began carrying things in. Everything was labeled to make unloading easier. Debbie sat in a chair in the front yard pointing and ordering the 4 boys around (which drove me crazy because she was more in the way than anything). The boys would unload from the trailer bring to the door where I would take it and put in what room it was supposed to be in. Then dad and Beau would carry the furniture in putting in down in places where it was in the way, but at this point I didn't care. The 4 boys were rowdy and dad was being his obnoxious self making racial comments towards the 4 boys, and making comments to make them be afraid of Koda. I finally ended up shouting at dad, "Stop talking to the boys like that and stop trying to make them be afraid of Koda. It abusive to the boys to call them the names you are calling them and I won't have it and if you make them afraid of Koda she will sense it and then there might be an accident! Just STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

Quickly, the rest of the trailers were unloaded and then it came out. The reason they wanted to move me all in one day. They had plans to go camping at the lake. Now, someone tell me why in the hell would you volunteer to do something and then make plans to do something else that same weekend? Whatever! Then dad said well what do you want to do now? I said, "Thank you for helping, but ya'll have to leave now and Koda and I are gonna bathe (I had had the plumber at the new house fixing a busted pipe in the bathroom while I was in Stephenville loading stuff) and then we are going to try and unpack some stuff and relax tonight. It was about 10pm by now.

Koda and I both took a nice hot bath (not together of course - that would be weird) and then I unpacked enough things to be able to lay down and read and relax for the night. Saturday was going to be a busy day because Direct Tv was coming to hook up service, I needed to unpack more so that Monday I could at least have all my work/class stuff to be able to function until the house was unpacked at set up and I still needed to get to the grocery store because I had nothing in the house to eat or drink.

Preparing to pack up and move........What an adventure!

One month to get packed up and ready to move!

Sort and purge. Go through every room of your house and decide what you’d like to keep and what you can get rid of. This will prevent you from carrying old junk into your new home or new life!

Create a moving binder. Use this binder to keep track of everything—all your estimates, your receipts, and an inventory of all the items you’re moving.

Order supplies. Order boxes and other supplies such as tape, Bubble Wrap, and permanent markers.

Use it or lose it. Start using up things that you don’t want to move, like frozen or perishable foods and cleaning supplies.

Begin packing. Start packing the things that you use most infrequently, such as the waffle iron and croquet set.

Label. Clearly label and number each box with its contents and the room it’s destined for. This will help you to keep an inventory of your belongings. Pack and label “essentials” boxes of items you’ll need right away.

a change of address. Go to your local post office and fill out a change-of-address form, or do it online at usps.gov.

Notify important parties. Alert the following of your move: banks, brokerage firms, your employer’s human resources department, magazine and newspapers you subscribe to, and credit card, insurance, and utility companies.

Forward medical records. Arrange for medical records to be sent to any new health-care providers or obtain copies of them yourself. Don't forget your pets vet records as well!

Arrange to be off from work on moving day. Notify your office that you plan to supervise the move and therefore need the day off.

Negotiating...........

Sometimes doing something new feels a little bit scary! However, scary can also be exciting at the same time! For the last few months I have been house hunting. I have been trying to find a perfect little house that would be the perfect fit for my life and NaKoda and after months of hunting I think we finally found out place!

Now, the negotiating starts. When buying a home negotiation is the name of the game and one must know how to handle themselves in order to get the best deal for their money! Not everyone is great at negotiating. I have to admit that it is one of my least favorite things to do, but as a single woman I have learned that there are certain tricks to it and what may appear to be a negative can end up actually being a positive when negotiating!

I remember the first time I bought a brand new vehicle. I was so proud of myself because I was finally in a position to be able to afford a new vehicle. I went to dealerships looking for just the right vehicle. I knew I wanted a truck and I knew exactly what I wanted. At every dealership I was ignored. I actually had to find the sales associate to have my questions answered. I was so offended. A couple of times I took my boyfriend with me and I noticed during those visits that the sales associate would ignore me and speak to him......hello people who work on commission..I am the one with the money! It just so happened that that boyfriend couldn't have bought his way out of a wet paper bag because his credit was so bad! It became so bad, that I actually had to make the comment to a couple of the sales associates, "hey fellas I am the one with the money to spend - he has nothing to do with this truck purchase!"

Here I am again about to make another major purchase! I found an adorable 2 bedroom house that is exactly what I have been looking for! Now, that I have found the place how do I get it at a good price?

1) Information - gather information on the com parables in the area. These comparables are called Comparable Market Analysis (CMAs). CMAs list houses in a location that are currently on the market, have sales pending on them, have expired from the market, and have sold. It is primarily the SOLD properties that you need to be concerned with. What houses are on the market for is not always a good indication of what their value is, those that have pending sales will only tell you what the listing price is (not what it is going to sell for) and those that have expired because they haven't sold may indicate that they didn't move because they were overpriced.

2) Preparation - always be prepared! Arm yourself with information such as

Condition - does the home your interested in glow in comparison to others? What type of visible repairs exist? What's the reason for selling? Have you been pre approved? Sometimes being pre approved by a lender will show the sellers that you are a viable buyer and that they need to pay attention because you want their home! Have an inspection done of the home before making an offer. What kind of "hidden" problems exist such as electrical problems, plumbing problems, energy efficiency issues, foundation issues, etc.? All issues such as the ones listed above can be used as negotiating pieces when trying to agree on a price.

3) Realism - be realistic. Some sellers are firm on their price and won't budge or won't budge enough. In the event this happens, DO NOT be afraid to walk away. Sometimes this is also an excellent negotiating tools, because if a home has been on the market for awhile they may stop you before you hit the door and meet your price!

Starting A New Chapter in the Random Life

Last year I decided, after being away from home for 14 years, it was time to move home. I moved away because I had so many issues with family that I couldn't deal with them and heal at the same time. I needed space. I need time away to think. I need room to breathe.

Now, after years of trying to heal and start over I have found myself divorced, friendless and alone in a town I have no ties to. There is absolutely no reason for me to stay here any longer.

I am excited about the next chapter in my life. I will be doing Spring cleaning both externally and internally! Not only will I shed old belongings and furniture when I move home, but I also feel like I am shedding all the issues I have had and returning to a place that I once believed to be the dark, bottomless, pit of hell and now realize it was never the town, it was a select few people that I now do not have to allow to have any control over me and I can freely move about without concern towards them and the lies they made up about me or the many ways in which they judge me! I believe that God has judged them far more than I could ever have done!

My next chapter will be brighter, more free, less stressful and full of wonderful friends who have become my family though out my life time!

Another Restless Night

Late at night when I can't sleep, it's usually because my mind won't settle down. Thoughts race through my head like a pin ball bouncing from point to point ringing bells and sounding off alarms. I toss and turn, I channel surf, trying to locate something that will help settle my mind and send me off to dream land, but most of the time nothing works. It's not so bad when this happens on the weekends because I can sleep in, but when this happens during the week, (which is when it usually does) things get even more stressful.

What am I stressed out about? Well, about Karen's cancer....I worry I am going to lose her to the same disease I lost my mother to 20 years ago, I worry about my bills, I worry if I have made the right decision for work, I worry if I am doing well at work, I worry if I am going to find a renter for my house or be able to sell it, I worry if my trucks going to stay in running order, I worry if I am going t have money to buy groceries, I worry about Koda, I worry about my niece, I worry about everything.....sometimes I can't stop worrying. Then I worry that I worry too much. I try to "give it to God" as others tell me to do, but then I worry is God going to take care of my worries? Sometimes I think if I didn't worry ....would I worry about not worrying?

Taboo

Recently, I was watching a documentary on the National Geographic Channel called Taboo: Strange Love. One topic in this documentary was negotiated infidelity. In a time when some many relationships are unsuccessful this made me think about my own view of relationships and what may work for others. I can't say I agree with particular views but I do find them interesting enough to take a deeper look into and perhaps receive some feedback from readers on what their views might be on the subject as well.

According to Kathy Labriola Counselor/Nurse and her article ARE YOU OPEN TO AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE? Have You Considered Non-monogamy?? "...non-monogamy means having the freedom to be sexually and/or emotionally involved with more than one person. An ethical non-monogamous relationship is one that practices open honest communications about the sexual activities and that this type of relationship is made by choice."

It is believed that in previous times in history women's financial reliance upon men enabled men to "get away" with having affairs but the double standard was that women were not allowed to participate in extra marital affairs. However, as women have grown more independent and have demanded equal rights the idea of family values and relationship roles has changed. Women too have began engaging with multiple partners.

While some people are happy in monogamous relationships others seem to flourish in non monogamous relationships as well. Some people in non monogamous relationships engage with multiple partners but only maintain one intimate relationship. Some monogamous relationships engage in outside sexual relationships together while others have individual sexual encounters without their primary intimate partner. Some say being free to engage in sexual activities with multiple partners allows greater growth between the two intimate partners. When in a monogamous relationship if a partner is sexually attracted to an outside person they must struggle to suppress these feelings possibly creating resentment towards their partner, while those who are free to explore these sexual attractions experience an openness and honesty within their intimate primary relationship.

With my history of being in relationships that have not worked out I have started to think about options for relationships, whats out there that I don't have knowledge about, what works and what doesn't.........I am still unsure what I think about this type of relationship but I am curious to hear what your thoughts on the subject are too.

My attempt at meeting new people.........

I was reading recently and came across an article that said the dead have one message for us.......see you soon. I could just imagine taking a leisurely stroll through a cemetary (yes I walk through random cemetaries regularly - they are full of endless possibilities......who's buried here, how'd they die, what were their lives like and the peace and quiet helps me think) and hearing whispers of all those laid their whispering to me, "see you soon". Kind of eerie but true. None of us get out of here alive!

But, back to my original though: we are not here forever. We have to seize the moment! We have to get out there and meet strangers and not be afraid to be humiliated or rejected! We can not waste our lives waiting for the right moment to talk to that guy at the coffee shop or sit at home waiting for that guy to call who asked for our number 3 weeks ago and we still haven't heard from.

So, one of my new goals is going to be to get out there and meet as many strangers as I can! Wish me luck!

Equal Intelligence in a relationship.......is it important?

I have always been a person who thrives on knowledge. Even when I am not in school I am always reading about new things because I love knowledge. To me knowledge is power and learning new things helps to keep life interesting! Is it important to have someone who believes the same way?

When I was married I always felt I was smarter than my ex husband. I was always having to explain things to him that made common sense to me. My friends were all of higher educational backgrounds but my ex husband only had a high school education and he had no desire to advance any further. When friends were around sometimes conversations were strained and often on the drives home or what not I would end up having to explain things to him. This often left me annoyed and sometimes I resented being with someone who did not have a desire to learn new things.

Even now as I date, I notice differences in the men I date and if they can not hold an intelligent conversation I tend to not go out with them again. Is this really an important factor in a relationship or can people with different intelectual basis have a lasting and meaningful relationship?

Do I have a good healthy relationship with myself?

The first step towards finding someone to share a serious relationship is to have a good, healthy relationship with yourself. Before I am able to have true and meaningful relationships with others, I had to learn how to have a relationship with myself. By looking back over my life, I realized that there were many times in which I was not a very good friend to myself.

Slowly I began spending time with myself each day reflecting/mediatateing on my actions, and thoughts and feelings. Each day I asked myself where do I need to improve? Do I need to forgive myself or others for anything? As we all know the act of forgiving is more for ourselves than the person we need to forgive... Was there anyway I could be of service to someone or myself in any way? Each of these questions helped open the doors to my feelings and identifying my emotions. When I feel anxious or uneasy, I would work to identify what it is that was causing these emotions and write it down to work through it. Most of the time this feelings were based in fear. Fear wears many masks so finding the reason was often a process or journey.

I had to change my internal diaolouge too. I realized that through my past I had taken the place of some of my previous abusers. This was an uncomfortable process but the more I practice the easier it becomes.

Recently, I was doing some research on relationships in general and I stumbled across a website called Go Ask Alice! and found this list:

In a healthy relationship, you:

Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad

I think this is an excellent list for a healthy relationship! These are all the things I would like to experience in a relationship. I kept on reading Go Ask Alice! and there was another list:

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

I realized that these are the things I call "Red Flags". Whenever I feel a "red flag" going up I start to pay attention and often end further contact with a man when the "red flags" go up.

Recently, I went out with an old friend from high school. We weren't close but our paths crossed every now and then. He was quiet and nice and shy in high school. Things were very nice and relaxed and comfortable. I came back home to Stephenville and we continued calling and texting and even made plans to see each other again. However, I had a stressful week and ended up being sick and had to cancel. We continued talking and during one of our conversations he said something that caught my attention and threw up a "red flag" that I am not quite sure about. As we were talking about clothing (don't ask me how we got on that topic) I made a comment about high heels and he told me I was the tallest girl he had ever dated and that if I wore high heels he would make me take them off.... At the moment it pissed me off a bit and I made the comment back that he wasn't my daddy an I wore what I wanted. After I got off the phone with him though this conversation continued to pop up in my head randomly. We haven't even had a second date and he already told me he would make me do something????? As I look back on other conversations I realize there were other "red flags" too like it seems to be a major thing for him that when a couple is a couple that their money be combined. I am not sure how I feel about this and marriage seems to be very important to him but I may not ever want to actually go through the formality of marriage again but yet he doesn't appear to be open to compromise on either subject......these are "red flags" to me because compromise is a major factor of any relationship. No one can ever get there way all the time in any relationship.

I guess these are just more things I need to think about..........

Is this too much to ask for?

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I would ever get married again. This made me stop and think about all the comments my friends and family have made towards my love life since my divorce.

At first everyone told me how my ex husband wasn't good enough for me, how I'd was better off without him, and of course my favorite...there's someone out there waiting for me. These people didn't understand that "the first cut is the deepest" and that I gave my all to that relationship and that my heart needed time to heal. However, after some time alone and time to heal I was ready to get out there and start over again, but my constant question was; where? I am in my mid 30's, all my friends are married, I don't want to meet someone in the bars and I live in a small town, so again I ask; where?

Well, time went on and I tried the online meeting thing. I thought this would be perfect meet someone, talk on line and on the phone and really get to know them, but I seem to talk to weirdo after weirdo or they were just looking for a hook up and neither was what I wanted. Then I let a friend set me up with a couple of friends - yeah that didn't work out either. Then I dated a couple of guys I met through jobs and that never ends well so I decided to volunteer, go to the park with my dogs, go sit at the local coffee shop and read or work in the evenings, go to the local book store.....and still nothing.

Sometimes I know that I am fine by myself. Sometimes I meet someone and some piston's fire but not all of them and wonder if I will have to settle for someone that doesn't spark all the pistons. Then I talk to Karen and I don't think I should settle. I think that a relationship wouldn't be a lasting one if not all the piston's were firing.

Then it dawned on me, I don't want to do the random dating thing anymore. I want to be in love. I want to have someone to sit and read with, I want someone to take walks with, I want someone to help me paint the rooms in the house, I want someone who will take me out, who will cuddle on the couch with me, have long talks and laugh with. I want someone to share my life with who also excites me.

Is this too much to ask for?

A typical weekend in my life

I woke up this morning and realized, "Hey, I have a three day weekend and no plans! What am I going to do?"

I watched a little mindless television that had been on my dvr for who knows how long, then I moved into the kitchen where I washed the remaining dishes I had not washed the day before and now I sit at my kitchen table writing this blog, wondering exactly what it is that I am going to do with the rest of my weekend.

I have 2 new books I am excited to read, I have a dog that would love to go to the park, I have a fridge that needs to be cleaned out and wiped down, I could go through my closets and continue throwing out things I know I will never wear again, I could continue going through my entire house getting rid of things I no longer want, or I could even go outside and start raking leaves, and mowing the yard.......but none of these things sound interesting or are things I really want to do this weekend, but once again I realize I don't have a lot of options because I am alone. I am stuck in this God forsaken hell hole of a town without any friends here any longer......ugh!

I think about what I am doing wrong. Why I am alone. I look around my house and I see books and books and more books all of different subjects, generes, showing a wide variety of interests and knowledge. I see my guitar in which I am still learning to play, I see my artwork both drawings and photographs, I see degrees and continued education certificates reflecting a desire to learn new things and the ability to stick with and meet goals. I see interesting decor showing my creativity, I see cookbooks and boxes of recipes I have created over the years reflecting my ability to cook, I see plants reflecting my ability to nurture and keep something alive, I see my animals that reflect my ability to be a good companion and love. I think I am a well rounded person, but I also see a home I have bought and created, I see the signs of a home office reflecting my independance and ability to provide for myself and I see home improvements projects that I learned how to complete on my own and I think of all the times I have been told that all these things are also intimidating to men and that my independance scares most men. I couldn't imagine being any other way though. I have been this way my entire life. These skills and abilities are the things that helped me to survive all these years when my family turned their backs on me and I was hungry, scared and alone.