They guy who won't take No for an answer............

Life has not always been an easy experience for me. For those of you who know me or have been following my blog you have recently discovered the abuse I have survived through out my childhood and adulthood.

Recently, I received an apology from a guy who I have known since jr. high and who has been persuing me for the last year. I always thought of this guy as a friend in school. He was sweet and shy and not pushy. He was easy to talk to and felt safe. I always knew he had a crush on me but the feelings were not mutual and since he never brought the subject up I felt comfortable maintaining a friendship with him.

After we graduated he joined the military and we lost touch until he got out and moved to same town I was living in. I was married when we re established contact and he soon entered a long term relationship as well.

About a year ago he discovered I wasn't married and soon after he ended his relationship. He quickly asked me out and I agreed to go on a "friendly outing" with him since he was so freshly sepperated. However, that was not his intention and once I realized this I ended the evening politely. However, before I even made it home that night he had already texted me several times and the text were all of a sexual nature. He wanted me to know how much he wanted to be with me, and that he could do things that would be pleasurable for me, blah blah blah. We've all heard those lines before, right girls?

I did not respond to any of the texts, thinking he would stop. However, for the next few weeks he continued. I finally responded letting him know this was not appropriate behavior and I did not want to engage in this activity. He stopped and his contacts became similar to old times, more appropriate and less sexual in nature. I thought my message got through to him. I was glad because I always thought of him as a friend and a nice guy.

Then recently, they started up again. I was curious as to why the nature of his contacts changed again so I asked a mutual friend (he didn't know I knew) what was going on with him. I discovered that he had been dating someone. No problem. He has that right but what made him think that since he wasn't in that relationship any longer he could go back to doing the things I had previously told him I didn't like? Some people really have a set of balls of them!

Saturday morning he texted me and asked if I would meet him for breakfast. I was out looking at properties so I told him maybe if I got through I could meet him for a late lunch. He proceeded to text me for awhile telling me how long he's been interested and that he wants to make slow, passionate love to me, blah blah blah same story different lines, right girls?

I told him that I wasn't interested and that I wasn't dating right now and was taking some time to be with me. He kept acting as if this was a horrible thing to do. I assured him it was not and was a good thing for me!

Sunday morning(this morning) he texted me asking me to breakfast again. I said no. I had already eaten and was gonna mow my yard. I had called in an order to a local resturant and was headed to pick it up and low and behold who is sitting in there when I walk in? He is. UGH!! I picked up my meal and headed back out. I went on with my plans and worked outside and mowed the yard. I came into the house to discover several texts from him. Apparently he had picked up the Sunday paper proceeded to read the interview I had done on Thursday with a local writer about my history of child abuse and domestic violence and advocacy work. He texted that he was so sorry and if he did anything to offend me that was not his intention and if I needed to talk to anyone he was there and blah blah blah.

All these years he knew me and never knew anything real about me. Why is it ever ok to talk to anyone that way? What difference does it make what happened to me in my past? Why is he sorry now, but thought it was ok to behave that way before he knew my past? It amazes me sometimes how ignorant and inconciderant people are with their actions.

Either way he should know better than to behave that way. Especially, if he wants a relationship with me. If I am so special it shouldn't be ok to talk to me that way. If all he wanted was a one night stand or fling or I ever led him to think I might be interested in a sexual relationship that might be different but come on now......use your brain.

Halloween, it's that time of year again

It's that time of year when everyone dresses up and puts out the scary decorations and everyone delights! In the past few years I would normally go out with a group of "friends" that I have quickly learned are just acquaintances and attend their party but with all the reflection I have been embarking on I have changed my plans yet again!

While my house has been decorated in a spooky fashion all month long I have decided to either travel to a neighboring town and walk with my best friend while she takes her son Zman trick or treating or to just stay home and watch scary movies! While I truly enjoy the Halloween atmosphere, I have lost all desire to associate with people who have not called me or come to see me in months. It's like since I don't attend the Friday night drinking fests any longer no one has any need to speak with me. That's a hard pill to swallow. I have difficulty understanding why it is that people have these fake relationships. No one has picked up a phone and said "how's Karen?", "How are you?" "let's go have dinner", "let's see a movie", "come hang out" or anything else. I don't understand why it is so difficult to establish meaningful friendships with people. They never hesitate to call me when they need something, for instance about 3 weeks ago two of the "friends" needed use of my truck and they called then (of course i refused because i didn't have it in me to be used at that time) however, in the past I would have done it. I was always there whenever anyone needed me. It seems now that I am experiencing some stressful times the only people who care are my best friend and my Karen. That's a hard to pill to take.

Don't get me wrong I am thankful to have them both and I will always be there for them as they are for me, because that's what friends do!

On the road again

After 4 years of withstanding constant harassment and stalking behavior from my creepy neighbor I have decided to put my house on the market and move. It's time anyway. I never intended to stay here for a long period of time. I moved into town when I was going through the horrible divorce with my ex because of long delayed response times from the local sheriff's department. I thought living 9 blocks from the local police department would help when my ex harassed me but that proved to be wrong as well. The harassment continued and he never was arrested only warned to stop. It just seems that I can't catch a break and it's ok for people to be harassed in their own homes and the local pd doesn't care.

The good news... I think this might actually be feasible. I found a house across the street from my best friend in a neighboring town (very small doesn't even have police - thank goodness for the castle law I guess). The house is beautiful on the outside and the pictures of the inside appear to be awesome so I am going to try and schedule an appointment to go view the house at the end of this week. Hopefully, all will go well and I will quickly find a buyer for this house and be on my way!

Giving Back and Making a Difference

I have spent the last couple of months training for a new volunteer position - victim advocate. While the training material and presentations have caused me to reflect back on the abuse I suffered as a child, teen and young adult, it has also made me realize that I not only survived but that I have become successful in my own life in ways that some victims never experience.

I realize my own worth. I gained confidence. I gained an education and I have continued to grow throughout my life. All of this success has caused me to want to give back and help show others that only they can change their lives. All of my success has caused me to want to draw attention to child abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and domestic violence and bring it out of the shadows of our society and into the spot light so that it can be brought to an end.

Friday Oct. 16th I will be participating in tying purple ribbons at the local court house to help bring awareness to domestic violence.

It's amazing how doing for others can help us to feel better and even heal our own pain.

A lifetime of abuse gives birth to an advocate

A lifetime of abuse gives birth to an advocate
By AMANDA KIMBLE http://www.empiretribune.com/articles/2009/10/25/news/doc4ae393bf403e0473693007.txt

This was a difficult interview to do. It brought up a lot of hard memories and emotions and reminded me of why I am where I am. Sometimes it would be nice if things would just be a little more easy.....even if only for a short while.

Surgery with a positive outlook

Karen's surgery was yesterday and it was one of the longest days of my life. I kept thinking back to when my mother was sick and all the suffering and then of course to losing her. That was the most painful event in my life and I did not want to experience that again with Karen. I didn't want Karen to suffer.

Her surgery was scheduled for 7:45am. She arrived at the hospital and was checked in and put in a room. Finally, at 11:30am they rolled her into pre op. Finally, at 1:30pm she went into surgery, after all the delays. Around 3:30pm she was finished. The doctor said she removed the entire cyst, did not find that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, so she didn't have to remove any lymph nodes and Karen was wheeled to recovery. We were all so relieved. I was especially relieved because I knew I was not ready to lose her.

Karen went back home to Brownwood and slept. She slept off and on most of today and we spoke around 4:47pm. She was feeling better, her throat was still soar from the tubes that were down her throat, but she was feeling better and she was relieved too.

I told her that if she needed anything all she had to do was call me and I would hop in the truck and be back in Brownwood to help her no matter what. I told her the weekend was supposed to be beautiful and all she needed to do was rest the next couple of days and then enjoy the sunshine!

It's amazing how some people just take one another for granted. Some people expect that they can act however, they want and it will be ok, because that person will always be there, but when you have experienced the loss of a mother you never take loved ones for granted like that again. I was lucky enough to have met a surrogate mother and I know that.

She Found a Lump

I drove home to Brownwood a few days before my birthday to spend the day with my surrogate mother - Karen. I woke up that morning excited to be going to visit because I had not seen her since Christmas. I missed spending time with her greatly.

I dressed and prepared NaKoda to spend the day by herself. I went outside and got into my truck only to discover that the back tire was completely flat and had a huge screw in it. Great it was a holiday too! Everything was closed. I managed to find a tire store that was open and purchased a new tire. A few hours later I was on the road again!

I pulled up excited to visit. I went in the house and no one was inside. I looked out the back window to find Karen and her husband Johnny on the gazebo in the back. I poured myself a glass of wine and walked out to the gazebo and sat down. Everything was sunny and beautiful and we had lovely conversation as we watched the dog Cody play and the cats come up and get their bathing from him. The horses wondered up and visited and it was nice relaxing country afternoon. All the things that make me long for home.

Later in the afternoon, Karen and I both needed a refill on our glasses of wine. We walked into the house and as we stood on each side of the bar, Karen pouring our wine, she told me she had found a lump in her breast. She told me that she had found it by accident. She had laid down on her bed and put her hand over her chest and felt the lump. She told me she had already been to the doctor had they had told her it didn't look good. I was shocked. What assholes to announce it that way. I asked if she had made an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion and she had. She went in for the biopsy and it was cancer.

My world came crashing down. I did not want to lose a second mother to cancer. I could not go through this again. My hope was that medicine had improved over the 20 years.

Loss of a companion

On my birthday I lost my beloved companion, NaNook. I was so sad and over whelmed because he had been by my side through so many life changing events. NaNook was my comfort and support through the break up of my marriage, he was my protector when I was physically threatened, he was my comfort when I was sad, lonely or sick. He was the reason I was able to get out of bed some mornings and go to work and keep on pushing through life.

NaNook was caring, nurturing, protective, playful and mischivious. He was a beautiful rottwieler who brought love to my life during a time I did not think I was capable of loving or being loved.

NaNook was cremated by Faithful Companions in Strawn Texas and now rest on my bed side table. NaKoda and I greatly miss him.

I'm Growing Up!

Over the past few years I have learned a lot about myself, thanks to therapy, self help books, self reflection and my sarogate mother and my best friend! Even though life has seemed very stressful at times and bad situations have happened. I find myself dealing with them and moving on from them much more quickly than I did in my previous life. I realize things about myself and I have become more comfortable with myself and I believe this is all progress for me!

I enjoy my home, I enjoy my companion, I enjoy my friends, I enjoy the few family members I do have and I am successful in more ways that most people ever are. I am completing my Masters degree (June 2010), I started my own company and each day brings success, I do good work through the crisis center, and I like who I am!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.
87% of stalkers are men.
61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29% vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.
76% of femicide victims had been stalked by the person who killed them
54% of femicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.

According to the National Violence Against Women Survey:
Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are women and 22% are men.
Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.
In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator. Of people who report sexual violence, 64% of women and 16% of men were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date.

The National Women's Study, a three-year longitudinal study of a national probability sample of 4,008 adult women (2,008 of whom represent a cross section of all adult women and 2,000 of whom are an over sample of younger women between the ages of 18 and 34), found:
13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime
22% of rape victims were assaulted by someone they had never seen before or did not know well.
9% of victims were raped by husbands or ex-husbands.
11% were raped by fathers or stepfathers.
10% were raped by boyfriends or ex-boyfriends.
16% were raped by other relatives.
29% were raped by other non-relatives, such as friends and neighbors.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm