Sometimes the silence says it all....................

As I have walked through life there have been many experiences that have written on the slate of who I am. There have been many negative experiences that I was not shielded or protected from and have hurt me deeply and even all these years later continue to effect me.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get over certain feelings  or put the hurt behind me and move on I keep being hurt because my needs were never met and continue to be neglected.

Sometimes I think I am being silly by letting the things get to me and I wish I could just not let them get to me.  My birthday was last Sunday. Yes, it's just another day for every person in the world but to me and those who are supposed to care for me I think it should be a day to celebrate but since my mother's death when I was a small child it just has never seemed to be a special day for anyone but me.

After my mother's death and I had to go live with my biological father and his 2nd wife all the other kids in the "family" always had parties and for those who had warm weather birthdays they often were able to have birthday parties at my step grandparents pool. I always wanted a pool party but was never allowed to have one.  For the 3 years that I lived with my biological father and his 2nd wife, she always made the same two things on my birthday (that she knew I disliked) pot roast and a pineapple upside down cake.  I always wondered why she made the these two things even though she knew I didn't like them.  After their divorce the Summer between my 8th grade year and 9th grade year, my birthday was just never celebrated by family. Of course in high school my friends always went out and of course we "partied" and that was always nice but over the years those friend disappeared. My sister and my niece use to call me every birthday morning and sing happy birthday to me but as my niece go older the calls turned into a text from my sister and last year's text didn't come until bed time and then this year not a word from them even when I texted my sister.

The morning of my birthday this year I was really sad because I didn't hear from anyone. Of course throughout the course of the day I received the Facebook happy birthday's from 8 various old high school friends and that is appreciated and then a woman who took me in as her own when I was 15 yrs old took me out to lunch and gave me a gift and I am not trivializing that because she has become the only family I have over the years. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that this was the day I came into this world and celebrated with me. Even her niece texted me to say happy birthday.  The thing that cast a shadow over the entire day was that not one biological family member contacted me in any way. Not my biological father who has claimed he loves me and wants a relationship with me, not either of my sister's, not my brother, not a cousin, an aunt, an uncle....none of my close friends, and not even the guy I have been dating on occasion the last few months.
I wish I could let the hurt go. I wish I could stop wanting my biological family to treat me better. I wish I knew why my entire life I have just never seemed important to them. I know it can't be anything I did because what could a child possibly do to cause her biological families to treat her this way her entire life. I've told myself to pretend it doesn't bother me, you know what they say fake it till you make it, but when I am alone with my thoughts the hurt creeps in and I can't help but wonder.

I am thankful for Karen and her family members who treat me like one of their own and I will continue to appreciate all they do for me and try to not let my own biological families hurt cast a shadow over the good things I do have in my life.

The Dreaded "C" Word Continued .........

 No one ever said just because you love someone means they will love you in return but not letting the hurt change you is what shows your strength and reflects who you are.




My sister's surgery was Friday.  Every thing went as planned. First they performed the bilateral mastectomy. She had 13 tumors with the largest one being 2cm; all in her right breast tissue.  Then the surgeon removed 19 lymph nodes and the first 2 lymph nodes were positive according to the results that were reported today (Tuesday). Once this was completed the plastic surgeon then went in and put in the expanders which will be filled with saline over the next few weeks.

Upon her seeing the oncologist once she has healed a bit we will find out about further treatments such as chemotherapy and/or radiation.

She has been home since Sunday, resting.  I hope she listens to the doctors and doesn't try to go back to work etc. until they tell her she can.

I have offered to go out and help her if she needs me but so far nothing.  She posts on facebook that she is being pampered by her friends and family so I am guessing she has plenty of people around and doesn't need her sister.  I wanted to be there with her and share this journey but I am guessing we will never have the sisterly relationship I want and I am just going to have to accept that she doesn't need me.  I just want her to be taken care of and be well for my niece so I guess as long as that is being met I will accept it.

The Dreaded "C" word..

Last week my sister called to let me know that she had found a lump in her breast and it was malignant. Now, in 2013 many people wouldn't consider this to be necessarily terrible news but for me it brings up all kinds of memories from watching my mother slowly die when I was a little girl.

The truth of the matter is my sister and I have never really been close. We weren't raised together and were often kept apart as kids. As adults the relationship hasn't improved much even though I often wish we were closer but I don't think being close is really on her priority list.  I always felt like some day something would happen and she would need me but now that the day is here. I doubt if this will change things between us at all which makes me sad.

I offered to go to her consultation appointment with her and she said, "If you want to you can. The more people there to hear what the doctor says, the better." Not exactly the response I wanted to hear but I decided to go none the less.

The first stop on her journey.  The doctors findings weren't too bad.  She is grade 1; stage 1. This means we have caught it really early.  She had decided to have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstructive surgery and there is a chance she won't need chemo or radiation but we won't know that for sure until the lymph nodes are biopsied.  The surgery will be next Friday.