Single in a Small Town

I live in a small Texas town where the population is 18,837 apx.  According to city-data.com 47.5% of that population is male while 52.5% of the population is…yes you guessed it female. (what exactly does .5% male & .5% female mean????)

Hmmm no matter the .5% question it looks like we outnumber the men a little.  

52% of the population is married (at least that one is a whole #).

26.5% of the female population is single while 23.75% of the male population is single.

73% of the population has a high school degree, 4% of the population has a 2 year degree, 11% of the population has a 4 year degree and 5% of the population has graduate degrees. We seem to be intelligent people by the statistics. 

After being in a long relationship I felt liberated and confident! I was excited to be on my own again. The world was once again a blank canvas and I had my paints in hand! I was looking forward to weekend getaways, late nights out on the town, girls night out and was sure that dating would consist of being wined and dined by single attractive men. However, life in a small town has been anything but. It’s hard to have girls nights out or late nights on the town when most of your girlfriends are at home tending to their husbands and children. City girls have an endless line of coffee shops, museums, restaurants, bars, etc. to find dating prospects and are usually more interested in “what’s his annual mean salary” and “does he have a house in the Hamptons” while us small town girls are more interested in "does he have a steady job" and "is he single" while being limited to one or two local establishments that are usually full of the town drunks or desperate people trying to snag their next relationship rather than just find one to share time with.  According to our local small town statistics too it appears the dating pool is really just a puddle and the female swimmers outnumber the male swimmers leaving a few of us out of the water because the really good catches have either been caught or just may be your cousin!

It’s also safe to assume that in a small town when a date is finally found the actual location of such an event is limited. It’s hard to be creative, let alone romantic, when dinner options consist primarily of restaurant chains and evening activities include bowling, the local bookstore or limited movie selections because those wonderful independent films I enjoy rarely make it to the small corners of the world. Coffee shops would be a good choice too if those wonderful people at Starbucks hadn’t closed the one coffee shop in town so we are back to being creative or engaging in the same date night activities over and over again usually causing singles to lose interest in dating even if the small town puddle might have a few good prospects still swimming around.

So while the dating scene where I live may not be what I had expect (or hoped) there are other aspects that more than make up for it: like the fact I can walk to many places if I feel the need, I can drive from one end of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and no matter where I go I almost always run into someone I know (but at least it’s not my ex) and no matter what, I can usually make it home in time for a nightly date with Chelsey Handler. 

Could it be?

 We all know her – the beautiful, brilliant, strong, charismatic, fun loving, kind, generous woman that falls repeatedly for the same loser or emotionally unavailable man. This woman might even be you now or may have been you in the past. How can so many women time and time again fall for the same guy over and over again?

A recent study has some interesting insights. The study, titled Why do Men Insult their Intimate Partners?, published in a recent issue of the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences says men desire women of lower social or intellectual status because they feel they can be controlled. The thought that his partner is more valued by society and desirable to others than he is doesn’t sit well with him. A study by psychologists at the University of Michigan backs up this theory. The study found that high status men preferred to marry their secretaries rather than colleagues. This means a man is threatened by a partner with a higher IQ or more education because she makes him feel insecure. But when a man does end up in a relationship with an intellectual superior, he is likely to be unfaithful or aggressive as a means of asserting control over her, Dr. Steward-Williams says. “If a man demeans a woman, it makes her feel low, neglected and disrespected,” he adds. “And if a woman feels humiliated, she will eventually come to believe she can't do any better and stick around with that man.” But, that doesn’t explain why smart women go for the bums in the first place.

Wait? What is this study saying? Does this mean a woman with a Bachelors, MBA or PhD will have difficulty finding a “good ole boy” to settle down with because he will feel less successful or valuable than his mate would be? What about a woman who is educated, started her own business and owns multiple properties? She sounds like a great catch to me. She brings a lot to the table and appears to know how to survive and take care of herself. Why would anyone find this intimidating? This sounds like someone who would make an excellent life partner to me, but then again I am not a man.

This isn’t exactly fair. We have been told all our lives to go to school and get an education so that we can be more successful than our parents.  As women our mothers told us to learn to take care of ourselves because as many of us are children of single mothers; we know how they struggled to provide for themselves.  We have been taught to learn to do things ourselves. 

So does this mean those “good guys” are all looking for women who they deem less educated than themselves, less socially valuable, less successful are ending up with a woman they eventually feel is using them for their success or status? Perhaps “gold diggers”? In a sense does that mean all that’s left out there for smart, educated, attractive women are “the bad boys”?

The phenomenon of why women fall for "bad boys" has been a question asked for generations. The good guys who seem to all finish last ask this question, our friends ask this question and even we ask this question.  I myself have had experience with my fair share of “bad boys”.  “Bad boys” often have many of the characteristics women find attractive; good looks, confidence, charisma, high energy, and good social skills. According to Michelle at Girlfriends Planet, “Bad Boys don't really ever commit to you, therefore you're always chasing after them. The challenge! As women, we're kind of wired to think that we can change anyone, and bad boys are no exception."

            Is all of this true? Are we ending up with the “bad boys” because the “good boys” are all taken or because they are intimidated by our success or knowledge? Have we educated and succeeded ourselves out of the dating pool because men want someone less than so the “bad boys” use the only tools (unfaithfulness or aggression as a means of asserting control), they have to try and “equalize” the relationship? 

Everywhere we look we are bombarded by images and media trying to convince us that we are supposed to be part of a couple. When we aren’t part of a couple we often feel left out of life.  My question is, “Who says we have to be part of a couple?”  Is it because we are told from the beginning of our lives to grow up, get married, and have kids that we think we have to be part of a couple?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

If this is true then why are so many relationships ending in divorce? Why are so many of our friends and loved ones on their 2^nd, 3^rd, and even sometimes 5^th marriages? Why do relationships grow stale and become unsatisfying? Why do so many of us women tend to lose the person we were before we were married? Why do so many of us stop growing when we are in relationship?                                                                                                                                                            

Personally I have even seen people stay in relationships just because they have a fear of being alone.

Images of couples in the media to restaurants, parties, even vacation destinations, society is always pushing us to find a partner and pair off in twos.

                                                                    

Many of us experience periods in our lives where we do not have a partner. These times may be time we need to heal from a broken heart, discover ourselves, or experience life on our own.                                                                                                                                              

Being single is and should be a positive option for us. Society should encourage women to be single and discover who they are and what they want before becoming wives and mothers.

I have been single for over 5 years. Prior to my marriage I was single and lived alone for 9 years. This doesn’t mean I didn’t date or even have boyfriends from time to time but the focus always remained on me developing a sense of self.  If friends are not available for an adventure or outing, I go to a movie, restaurant, even on vacations and road trips alone without feeling weird or awkward.   

 

                                                                                     

Taking a solo vacation, loading up my camera, books, music along with a swimsuit and shorts is often more enjoyable than any trips I have taken with friends or family. On a solo trip there is no one to argue on which road to take, when to stop and rest, where to stop and eat, what time to leave, fly or drive, etc. etc. etc.  I also think I meet some of the most interesting people along the way (good or bad) because I am single. It seems people are less fearful of approaching a single person than a couple.  If I truly want company along the way it is usually not hard to find.

While being single,  I have grown in ways that would not have been possible had I remained married and I believe will only add to my next relationship when the time comes but until then I intend to enjoy my single life!

                                                          

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When Gaurdian Services Owner Toni Burleson started her Virtual Assistant business many of her family and friends were afraid she had made a serious mistake.

Toni Burleson is a virtual assistant and her decision to become one and operate her own business was not just a career change it was a life style change!

Toni Burleson was the General Manager for a small internet provider firm, when she decided to uproot her life and charge in a new direction that would allow her more time to devote to other interests in life such as volunteering, animal rescue and spending more time with her friends and family! 


Burleson has clients all over the U.S. that she assists and growing at a rapid speed! Her years of experience in business administration as well as her education have helped her to succeed! Burleson is an independent entrepreneur who works remotely and uses technology to deliver services to clients!
Burleson works from her home offices and receives project instructions by phone, fax, e-mail or even instant message. Many of the clients are interested in secretarial services, but as more clients with diverse backgrounds discover virtual assistants Burleson has been able to utilize her skills in such areas as management, administration, marketing, IT support making her a unique partner to have in your arsenal!

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•  Knowledge of corporate protocol
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She has a Bachelors Degree in Business Administration and her Masters in Business Administration!

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"In manus tuas, Domine, commendo spiritum meum"

 The truth is we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone but for a short time in between we choose life, we choose love and for just a little bit we feel a little less alone but then there are times we don’t mind being alone so much…….

I must admit I am not looking but I have remained open to possibilities and have accepted a few dates over the past few months but I swear with winners like this I don’t know why there are so many of us girls still single or are having trouble finding someone of quality to share our lives with. (Keep in mind this list has taken place over the last 9 months.)

First there was Michael, who I dated for 3 months. In the beginning Michael was nice and everything was wonderful but as the 3 month mark approached Michael began to act possessive and would become upset when I had other plans with friends or family. To me this was unhealthy as my friends and family are important to me and no one is going to keep me from them. Needless to say, I stopped seeing Michael.

Then for a while I was getting to know a guy I called Kevin. Kevin was introduced to me by a friend. For a few weeks we texted and talked on the phone and learned a little bit about one another. We set up a date and I thought this might be a nice experience because he actually set up a date with me at a local park so I could take my Koda with us and be more comfortable. However, bad weather hit (snow) and I contacted to reschedule with him. Both our schedules were hectic at the time so we left it a bit open ended. A week later he texted me on a night I was at a sporting event for my niece. I responded to him later on my way home but did not receive a response back from him. No big loss. Another week went by and still nothing. Oh well. I went on with my life. A couple of months went by and still no word, but then last Thursday I received a text from him asking me how I was doing.  I did not respond. I deleted the message.

Then there was Scott who was introduced to me by another friend. What was the problem with Scott, you ask? Scott only texted me after 9pm to do something at that moment. Even after I told Scott numerous times to give me notice to make plans he still waited till late in the evening. I personally think for a first date notice should be given, but I guess I am a bit old fashioned.

Then there was John who I met while grocery shopping. He seemed nice and asked to meet for coffee. I told him to give me a call the following week (as I was leaving town for the weekend) and we would set something up.  Upon returning from my trip the following Tuesday I started listening to my voicemails and he had called 7 times in 4 days.  To me this was a red flag immediately. I did not return his calls.

Then there was the old friend from high school I reconnected with, Nathaniel.  We were hanging out as friends I thought, I didn’t even realize he was interested in me in a romantic way until he kissed me and then we hung out a few more times before he said he felt weird because he had been friends with a high school ex of mine who was still friends with me but hadn’t been in Nathaniel’s life over the past few years because of some kind of falling out they had.  Oh well, his loss were my thoughts.

Then there was James. Oh James. He is by far my favorite example of the type of guys out there because he was such a stereotype even though he said he wasn’t.  James I had actually known for quite some time. James was someone I knew as a friend for over 15 years on an acquaintance basis. James had told me he had always had a crush on me but that I was in a relationship or he was in a relationship and then I was married and he was married and the timing was always off. For the first time ever though I was single when we ran into each other. He asked if I would like to get a drink with him. I told him I wasn’t really into the bar scene so where would he like to go and he said well we can always just sit on the tail gate of my truck and have a beer or two. That sounded feasible to me so I agreed. A few days later I went to hang out with him and quickly things became awkward and then just frightening.  James made the statement that since he had recently divorced he really wasn’t looking to start a new serious relationship but that since we were both single and were adults with needs what if we were friends with benefits?  Amazed at his the balls on this guy I let him know in un lady like terms that I was offended and definitely not interested in him at all. I informed him I thought we were two friends hanging out and if I had known these were his intentions I never would have agreed to come out to see him and thought it would be best if I left.  I went into his house to get my purse and keys and as I walked passed his bedroom door I noticed scattered on his bed were rose petals and candles lit everywhere.  Needless to say I left and have not spoken to him ever again.

Next, there was Greg the impatient.  Greg I met in town one day. He was filling up his truck while I was filling up mine. We got to talking while waiting to fuel up and he asked me out for dinner. Why not? He was attractive and seemed nice and we were going to meet in a public place. I gave him my landline # and finished up with my fuel purchase and was on my way with my existing plans. This was last Friday mid afternoon.  By the time I made it home that evening around 8:30pm he had called twice – leaving 2 messages.  After spending the afternoon/evening with family I was hot and tired and thought I would call him the next day.  However, the next morning my niece’s called wanting me to spend the day with them so I went to visit them. Upon returning home late that night there were two more messages (one said, “by the sound of your voicemail, I take it you work from home. I need a woman to work from home and take care of me” and a hang up from him on my voicemail/caller id.  5 calls in less than 48 hours seemed a bit much to me not to mention the message he left was just a turn off  so I decided I was not going to return his calls but by 5pm Sunday night he had called 2 more times! This was bit a much too me so needless to say. I am not going to return his calls either.

·         Then one morning while the weather was cool I decided to take my laptop to the park and sit and do some work just for a change of scenery for a little while. While I was there a guy who I had noticed running laps came up to where I was sitting with Koda. He talked to me for a bit and this is what I was able to learn about him during our conversation.

•       He was a school teacher – educated
•      He thought he was in shape – little pudgy I thought but not too bad
•      He taught in Ranger Texas and lived there during the school year but rented   a place in Brownwood during the Summer because all of his family lived here – family oriented
•       He was 32 – 2 years younger than me but that wasn’t always a bad thing
•       He had been in a relationship for 2 years that had just ended because she was also a teacher at Ranger but owned her house and he wanted her to move to Brownwood with him for the summer but she didn’t want to. – Unable to compromise, relationship just ended apx. 1 month ago RED FLAG
•    Comment – he has been having trouble dating since then because “…most women are about as smart and moral as a box of rocks. Most people are defined by sex now a days and do not seek something that has eternal value, like God.  I'd never consider most women for a relationship. Then he went on to discuss how women also expect a man to be wealthy to and take care of them so they can just sit around and watch TV and do nothing with their lives and that he had made a few women he had asked out because when the bill had come after dinner he asked them to go g Dutch because he doesn’t pay for a dates meal.” 

 I have to admit while I am not shocked by much I could not believe he had just said that. I thought I must have heard that wrong. No way any guy would be that stupid to make a comments like that  but hey maybe he wasn’t hitting on me, maybe he just wanted to pet Koda……..but nope, a few minutes later he asked if I would like to get together sometime. Are you kidding me? I politely told him I was not interested because I would rather take myself out alone!

This last one though, Danny, oh he is my favorite of all the winners out there! He is the guy all of us girls love to meet and can’t wait till he calls us! Right. The truth of the matter though is he is the guy many of us girls are attracted to and turn our lives upside down for because we fall for them over and over. He is the typical bad boy! Nice to look at, but that’s about it.  Danny is 6’well built nice and tan has shoulder length dirty blonde hair and beautiful green eyes. Yummy, until he opens his mouth!  I met Danny one afternoon when I took myself to Chili’s to sit and do some work (yes another change of scenery)

Sitting at one of the tall tables on the bar side of chili’s working I noticed him immediately when he walked in just because he was pretty to look at.  After ordering his drink at the bar he sat talking to the bartender for a while, rather loudly and in my experience: the loudest guy in the place is also the most insecure and obnoxious. With it being early in the afternoon it was pretty empty so I guess that’s why he came over to my table.

Danny walked over to my table put out his hand and said, “The name is Danny...remember it...you'll be screaming' it later...” (Even the bartender rolled his eyes at that one)

Me: are you kidding me with that line?

Danny: “I just thought it would be funny”

Me: not particularly.

Danny: “What are you working on?”

Me: Presentations. What are you doing?

Danny: “I chase bad guys for a living”

Me: “so what does that mean? Are you a cop, bondsmen, bounty hunter or is that just another cliché line?”

Danny: “Ouch! You’re a tough one.  I am a bondsman/bounty hunter”

Me: “where you from?”

Danny: “The Colony”

Me:  “so are you down here hunting someone or just passing through?”

Danny:  no I am just having fun. Taking a few days off. I like to hang out with friends and see what kind of trouble I can get myself into. I have a couple of friends that live down here at the lake and then I'm headed down to Belize soon to hike the Mayan ruins, do some snorkeling, & lounge on the beach and watch the sunsets. Maybe while I am here we can have a nice dinner and a few games of pool where you can talk and I can do Patron shots.

Me: No thanks! I prefer quality.

I am not sure why, but Danny finished his beer and walked out of Chili’s without a word. Could it have been something I said?

So to date that sums up my love life and explains why I am still single, which I must admit I am not sure why I keep meeting all these “lovely prospects” but it does make for an interesting story………..