My so-called friend.......................

Current mood:annoyed

Remember when you were young and you use to make friends easily and you weren't so concerned with the quality of person you dealt with as long as life was a party and full of fun and excitement?  It's only when we grow older that we realize that the quality of the people you deal with is much more important than the activities that you use to think were fun and exciting.  

Recently, I decided to give a young girl the benefit of the doubt and not listen to any of the things that people were telling me about the type of person she was.  I listened to her and told her my honest opinion of the things she asked of me...i let her into my life (somewhat - because anyone that knows me knows there are great walls that have to be overcome and people only see what I want them to see)  I treated her as a friend and gave her just enough rope to hang herself with.............so I must admit that I am not really surprised to see that she hung herself.........

I never judged her for the sneaky manipulative stunts she pulled on people in her life, for the drama she created and then pretended she didn't understand why there was so much drama in her life, for the adulterous behavior she engaged in behind her fiances back, or the lies she told.............

I understood that she was young and that when we are young we do things that later in life we wouldn't always do because we see the error of our ways and we grow............

I think what bothers me most is the that she always said how much she appreciated that i didn't judge her, didn't turn on her and that she felt for the first time in a long time she had a girlfriend she could trust and then for her to turn around and try to create drama with me and try to put words in my mouth with a friend of mine and then when i call her on it she runs like the coward she is because she can't deal  with the truth and honest of being a real woman and dealing with the consequences of her actions.........

i told her when we first started becoming friends......i could be her best friend or her worst enemy and that it was her choice....................i guess she made her choice.............

I am very disappointed in her and hope that one day she be at peace with herself and realize that all the drama she creates does not have to be the life she leads....

I received an email from her last week telling me she wanted to talk to me and work things out and that she would call me that afternoon so I patiently awaited her call and of course she still hasn't called .....

I know that people come in and out of our lives at random and sometimes at for a short period of time and sometimes for long periods of time but it is never easy when the person leaves your life in an unfavorable manner.  Being hurt by someone you considered a friend and someone you cared about never feels good. 

Other's Expectations

Do you ever fear not being good enough, of not meeting others' expectations. Are your relationships based on what you think other people expect from you? 

My relationships use to be based more on what people expected of me, but for the last 6 years I have been working to be more of who I am and less of what others think I should be. Sometimes this makes other people very unhappy but I am not on this earth to please others. 
Let's face it too - you can't make everyone happy all the time! 

I grew very tired of being and doing what everyone expected me to do all the time. It left very little time for me to do the things I wanted to do and let's be honest it also led to some acting out in destructive ways and some very poor decision making processes. 

Now, I find that I am much more happy in general and I truly know who are my friends and who are not.  Don't get me wrong there are times I miss the people this process has left behind because we did have a lot of good times but now I know we were only having good times because I was who they wanted me to be and doing the things they wanted to do which left me feeling empty a lot of the time and those people never noticed. 

Perception

Sometimes one person's perception of a situation can be completely different from another person's perception. Each one of us has a very unique experience in the world and how we perceive it.
Reality is a matter of perception.  

As I have gone through years of therapy one thing I have come to understand is that while there were many people living the same experiences I lived, we all had our own individual experiences within the shared experiences and our perceptions differ to great extents. I think often that it's these perceptions that have caused some relationships to flourish, while others have floundered in my family. Some members just have the inability to see other's perceptions, acknowledge their parts and grow. 

Last month my biological father's 2nd wife's mother passed away.  The 2nd wife (Jamie) reached out to me and my older sister. I made the decision to use this as an opportunity to reconnect with Jamie and have a relationship with her again. Being able to discuss the many issues and perceptions of events from the past have helped me to understand how one thing that was hurtful to me was not intend that way by her.  I am glad that we have had these past few weeks to reconnect and discuss things and work things out and start a new chapter in our relationships with one another.
                                                                                             
Now as a grown woman myself I can look back and see she was just doing the best she knew how to do. She was in her twenties when she married my biological father and was instantly a step mother to 2 little girls - one that lived with her and one that did  not. She soon was gave birth to my little brother and sister and not too much later my mother died and she had to take in a little girl who had been emotionally, physically, and sexually abused on top of losing her mother.  I tested every boundary I could with her, did everything I could to get attention and act out and that could not have been easy on top of having 3 other children to attend to.
It could not have been easy for her.

Even though we didn't have the best of relationships when I was young over the years we have been able to gain a new relationship with new understandings of each other's experiences in the same situation and she allowed me the time I needed to sort through things and work my feelings out so that we are able to have a better relationship now.

As we begin our new chapter I look forward to a better relationship and experience with her and cherish the ability we both have to try and understand that  one's perception can differ greatly from the others. 

Sometimes the silence says it all....................

As I have walked through life there have been many experiences that have written on the slate of who I am. There have been many negative experiences that I was not shielded or protected from and have hurt me deeply and even all these years later continue to effect me.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get over certain feelings  or put the hurt behind me and move on I keep being hurt because my needs were never met and continue to be neglected.

Sometimes I think I am being silly by letting the things get to me and I wish I could just not let them get to me.  My birthday was last Sunday. Yes, it's just another day for every person in the world but to me and those who are supposed to care for me I think it should be a day to celebrate but since my mother's death when I was a small child it just has never seemed to be a special day for anyone but me.

After my mother's death and I had to go live with my biological father and his 2nd wife all the other kids in the "family" always had parties and for those who had warm weather birthdays they often were able to have birthday parties at my step grandparents pool. I always wanted a pool party but was never allowed to have one.  For the 3 years that I lived with my biological father and his 2nd wife, she always made the same two things on my birthday (that she knew I disliked) pot roast and a pineapple upside down cake.  I always wondered why she made the these two things even though she knew I didn't like them.  After their divorce the Summer between my 8th grade year and 9th grade year, my birthday was just never celebrated by family. Of course in high school my friends always went out and of course we "partied" and that was always nice but over the years those friend disappeared. My sister and my niece use to call me every birthday morning and sing happy birthday to me but as my niece go older the calls turned into a text from my sister and last year's text didn't come until bed time and then this year not a word from them even when I texted my sister.

The morning of my birthday this year I was really sad because I didn't hear from anyone. Of course throughout the course of the day I received the Facebook happy birthday's from 8 various old high school friends and that is appreciated and then a woman who took me in as her own when I was 15 yrs old took me out to lunch and gave me a gift and I am not trivializing that because she has become the only family I have over the years. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that this was the day I came into this world and celebrated with me. Even her niece texted me to say happy birthday.  The thing that cast a shadow over the entire day was that not one biological family member contacted me in any way. Not my biological father who has claimed he loves me and wants a relationship with me, not either of my sister's, not my brother, not a cousin, an aunt, an uncle....none of my close friends, and not even the guy I have been dating on occasion the last few months.
I wish I could let the hurt go. I wish I could stop wanting my biological family to treat me better. I wish I knew why my entire life I have just never seemed important to them. I know it can't be anything I did because what could a child possibly do to cause her biological families to treat her this way her entire life. I've told myself to pretend it doesn't bother me, you know what they say fake it till you make it, but when I am alone with my thoughts the hurt creeps in and I can't help but wonder.

I am thankful for Karen and her family members who treat me like one of their own and I will continue to appreciate all they do for me and try to not let my own biological families hurt cast a shadow over the good things I do have in my life.

The Dreaded "C" Word Continued .........

 No one ever said just because you love someone means they will love you in return but not letting the hurt change you is what shows your strength and reflects who you are.




My sister's surgery was Friday.  Every thing went as planned. First they performed the bilateral mastectomy. She had 13 tumors with the largest one being 2cm; all in her right breast tissue.  Then the surgeon removed 19 lymph nodes and the first 2 lymph nodes were positive according to the results that were reported today (Tuesday). Once this was completed the plastic surgeon then went in and put in the expanders which will be filled with saline over the next few weeks.

Upon her seeing the oncologist once she has healed a bit we will find out about further treatments such as chemotherapy and/or radiation.

She has been home since Sunday, resting.  I hope she listens to the doctors and doesn't try to go back to work etc. until they tell her she can.

I have offered to go out and help her if she needs me but so far nothing.  She posts on facebook that she is being pampered by her friends and family so I am guessing she has plenty of people around and doesn't need her sister.  I wanted to be there with her and share this journey but I am guessing we will never have the sisterly relationship I want and I am just going to have to accept that she doesn't need me.  I just want her to be taken care of and be well for my niece so I guess as long as that is being met I will accept it.

The Dreaded "C" word..

Last week my sister called to let me know that she had found a lump in her breast and it was malignant. Now, in 2013 many people wouldn't consider this to be necessarily terrible news but for me it brings up all kinds of memories from watching my mother slowly die when I was a little girl.

The truth of the matter is my sister and I have never really been close. We weren't raised together and were often kept apart as kids. As adults the relationship hasn't improved much even though I often wish we were closer but I don't think being close is really on her priority list.  I always felt like some day something would happen and she would need me but now that the day is here. I doubt if this will change things between us at all which makes me sad.

I offered to go to her consultation appointment with her and she said, "If you want to you can. The more people there to hear what the doctor says, the better." Not exactly the response I wanted to hear but I decided to go none the less.

The first stop on her journey.  The doctors findings weren't too bad.  She is grade 1; stage 1. This means we have caught it really early.  She had decided to have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstructive surgery and there is a chance she won't need chemo or radiation but we won't know that for sure until the lymph nodes are biopsied.  The surgery will be next Friday.

A Dog's Life...........Road tripping....continued.........Moah Utah

Whew whoo! We are on our way to Moab Utah for some rafting adventures today! The sun is shining, the temperatures are just right and the music is playing as we enjoy the drive from Durango Co to Moah Utah for some Canyon Adventures! 

Along the way we were able to enjoy the natural structures that have been carved out over the earth's life time and I have to ask myself "how can anyone see all this natural beauty and want to build concrete cities?"

Rafting

Let me start by saying I have looked forward to this adventure since before I actually arrived in Colorado. Upon arrival at the rafting tour company we put on our sunblock and signed in. We were then instructed to wait on the front porch of the establishment and our guide would suit us up with life jackets and we would be on our way. Of course everyone knows group activities can be a toss up.  We were placed in a group of 2 families from France, a mother son group from California and my cousin and myself. 

The first mishap occurred before we even left the front porch of the guide shop. One of the father's from the France groups was moving their vehicle when they backed into the trailer our rafts were loaded on. Really? I don't know how I feel about a guy who can't even back up without hitting a trailer with a huge white water raft stacked up on it! 

Upon initially loading arriving at the Colorado River shore where we were to launch our raft in all of the French people sat in the back of the raft together, leaving our guide in the middle and my cousin and I in the front with the pair from Colorado. Ok this may not be bad.  OMG! This woman would not shut up about herself and how things were in California and what they had in California and how they did things in California! I thought, "Woman if we wanted to know about California we would be in California - we are in Utah!" or poor son looked so embarrassed by her I almost wanted to push her in the river for him!

Needless to say I rarely let anyone ruin my fun and we quickly approached an area to exit the raft and swim and I was the first one to bale out and head off down current to get away from Chatty Kathy!

The rafts were not flowing roughly so it was a nice leisurely trip down the river where we were able to enjoy the scenery and the guide was very informative about the area!

Road Tripping continued.........Colorado San Juan National Forest

This trip has been a very active trip and NaKoda and I would not have it any other way! On top of walking around downtown  Durango enjoying all the pet friendly shops in the area we saw a sign for junction access to national forest that my cousin Rachel had never been on before.  We decided to create an adventure and we took the road never traveled and discovered access to the San Juan National Forest! We traveled up the mountain side enjoying the breath taking majestic views.

At the bottom of the mountain we hiked down a trail where we found a stream that NaKoda was happy to play in and wonder back and forth on the banks in search of the elusive fish she just knew were in there!

We also came across a make shift lean to where someone had obviously been  sleeping/living but were not currently "home"

NaKoda and I are very thankful for the way I am able to work remotely from any location with a flexible schedule to allow us to be able to take adventures and discover new places. Colorado is one of our favorite places to go and we have truly enjoyed the change in temperatures from Texas to Colorado. Each day has been able to provide us a new adventure and we can't wait to see what we find tomorrow! 

A Dog's Life ....Road trip to Colorado continued

Once we arrived at our hotel, Iron Horse Inn, in Durango Co. We were so happy to be out of the truck. Of course after unloading the truck and changing our clothes (yes Koda has a travel collar and an active harness) we immediately began wondering around the property to see what was around us. In front of our hotel are the tracks for the Narrow Gauge rail road that runs up to Silverton. On both sides of the property are mountains and down the tracks is access to the river. We are planning on staying here for a couple of weeks but I am starting to think we may want to stay longer! Guess we will have to see if NaKoda’s Granny is willing to take care of her cats (yes NaKoda has two cats a 2 year old Calico Dahlia and a 14 week old wild cat Tuli).  

Our first morning in Durango we were awake at 5:30am so of course we decided to get an early start on the day! After getting a little work done (someone has to buy the dog treats) we decided to go into town and check out the off leash dog park located at the base of Smelter Mountain.

 This is the best dog park we have ever seen! Dogs were everywhere running and playing and swimming, rafters and kayakers were headed down the river ewwwwing and awing at the dogs in the river. It was the start to a great day! We wish we had a place like this back home! If only our own town was as dog friendly as Durango Co! We even made a trip into the local Albertson’s and unlike the stores and businesses in our own town the only comments made about NaKoda being in the store were compliments on her behavior and how well she followed her commands! In our own town we have had so many people tell us she can’t be in there (hello can’t you read her full access required tags or how about the words service dog on the vests she wears).  We may never want to leave this place!

Right now we had to come back to the Iron Horse Inn to get some rest because NaKoda is worn out and I need to get a little more work done for the day and then we will be back off to play! Working pool side is looking pretty good about now! 

A dog's life ......2013 roadtrip to Colorado

Saturday NaKoda and I left out for our vacation to Durango Colorado. We drove from Brownwood TX to Clovis New Mexico the first day. In Clovis after being in the truck all day we went to the dog park in town. It was nice and even separated the small dogs from the large dogs.  NaKoda met her first Great Danes in person. While she was curious about these large creatures she was not very keen on them when they approached her (2) and then proceeded to hover over her. She quickly let them know she was not in the mood to be hovered over after all didn’t they know who she was? We spent a relaxing evening in the hotel as we had a long day ahead of us going the rest of the way to Durango.

Sunday we got an early start on the road. We were going along enjoying the scenery until we hit Albuquerque NM. Let me tell you for someone with an anxiety disorder that is not a fun place to drive, then we hit our first mountain pass and let me tell you if I had any questions about whether or not NaKoda understood her momma’s anxiety disorder I have no questions when we get into situations like that.  She quickly moved over to middle of the front seat and put her head on my lap to help relax me.  She stayed in that position until we were once again out of Albuquerque and on the hwy again. We looked out the windows and enjoyed the drive until we entered Colorado and once again were on the mountain passes. NaKoda once again moved over to me and put her head in my lap. This is not an easy activity for a 119lb Rottweiler in the front seat of a Dodge Quad Cab but she does it with grace and I don’t care what anyone says she takes care of me and if someone doesn’t like me taking her everywhere I go then they can just not be a part of our lives! I spoil her because she takes care of me.

Why are so many kids from my graduating class in trouble for drugs now or in the past?

Recently I was contacted by the sister of a childhood friend who was now in prison. The sister stated that her brother had not had much contact with people from his life.  This made me start thinking.
Since moving back to the town I graduated high school from I have learned that many of my classmates have either been in prison or are currently in prison. Most of them have been arrested for a drug offense.

This made me wonder. Why? Why are so many of my former classmates ending up in prison? Is it because of limited opportunity in the small town? Is it because of the apparent drug problem in the small town? Maybe it's that most of us come from single parent homes where we were not supervised and were able to become involved in this particular type of life. Why was it the choice of so many though? Were they masking problems? Were they trying to escape something?

All though I was never caught or arrested for the bad behavior choices in my past I know what my reasons were for this of behavior. I was trying to forget my circumstances, I was trying to escape abuse in my past and I was trying not deal with any of these issues.

Is it possible that so many kids in one location also were dealing with similar circumstances?

Some people just can't help but cause drama

When I moved back to the town I graduated high school in I wanted to find an opportunity to continue my community service as I would no longer be able to volunteer for the crisis center I had previously been doing.

I evaluated several opportunities in the community - going to a new crisis center, hospital, nursing homes, animal centers and I decided I really wanted to work with animals. In the beginning I truly enjoyed working with the animals. I enjoyed spending time with them, working on obedience training, exercise and play time!

Then the animal center manager asked if I would like to be more involved and take over the volunteer coordinator position. I thought about it and decided to give it a try. However, the more involved I became the more I realized all the responsibilities of the volunteer coordinator position truly required this to be a paid position. I approached the manager and discussed this with her and the fact that money would have to be given to support this. I provided her with a list of grants that helped provide funds for this position but never heard anything back from her.

I continued on with the role, recruiting and training new volunteers, locating community events opportunities and participating in spreading awareness in the community to the needs of the shelter and the animals in need of homes.

Towards the end of last year I noticed that the center manager and animal services manager both began to behave in hostile ways towards me. I was informed by new volunteers that the 2 managers were telling staff members that I was saying things about them, I began receiving complaints by the volunteers about the 2 managers  were treating them badly and etc. I tried to speak to the 2 managers but the hostility just grew worse. By the time the new year rolled around I decided there was too much drama involved with actually being involved with the personnel at the center and decided I wanted to strictly work with the animals after the new year.

 During this winding down period at the end of the year I noticed that many of the volunteers were no longer returning, the public comments on the social media pages were often complaints of how they were treated by staff members and that the over all general feeling about the center was that it was  being run by people were not nice, did not care about the animals, and were often rude to the public and often were unable to be reached by phone or email.

I let the staff know I would no longer be able to participate in the volunteer coordinator position because of this and that I would go back to strictly just working with the animals. Then suddenly the treatment became even more hostile.

I am one of those persons who use to let this type of behavior upset me but over the past few years I started eliminating behavior and people who behave this way from my life.
It saddens me that people who are supposed to care about finding homes for animals behave this way and drive many in the community to view them harshly and not want to support the animal center.

Even though I wanted to continue on with my community service I have had to decide that for my own sanity  can not be associated with an organization that makes me feel like I am beating my head against a wall when it comes to trying to improve services, improve the animals lives and provide a quality service for the community.

Really, just how many frogs do I have to kiss?

It's been awhile since I updated on the dating front because I just can't believe some of the men (or boys should I say) I have met or been set up with. In the past couple of years I often have wondered exactly what do my friends think of me based on the personality of the men they are introducing me to or are they just thinking, "oh he's single, she's single.....that's perfect"  believe me that is not enough!

I have met or been set up with men who have wanted to move in after a few dates, men who want to drop their kids off with me after a couple of dates, men who are immature, men who don't have jobs, men who drink too much, men who are almost 40 and think they are hiding their drug problem, men who start with telling lies right off the bat - obvious lies - and after all these dates over the past 7 years all I can wonder is exactly what about these men did people think made them perfect for me or are they making a comment on what they think about me?

It's hard being the single childless girl in a world of friends who are all married with children.

Insomnia

A nap in the Texas spring sunshine is a lovely thing but it can be a disastrous thing for evening bed time. 

I sit here spending the time I should and want to be sleeping thinking about work making a mental list of all the tasks I need to accomplish to help make my business grow and become more productive, so I get my phone out and I jot down all the things I need to do. If I get them out of my head maybe I can go to sleep, right? Wrong! After I write the list I snuggle up to NaKoda and think I can go to sleep now, but then I sit there thinking about what a good dog and companion she has been and how she's getting older, and how sometimes she has been the only set of ears I have had to confide to, and of course then that leads to how we need to exercise more to be healthier and one thought leads to the next, to the next, until it's 3am and I am sitting here writing my next blog entry.

I guess the past few months have been really busy and hectic and stressful and I just can't settle my mind but I think it's partly because I have let myself get off balance too. Maybe if I wasn't stressing so much over work or my house, or anything else to be honest I wouldn't have so much trouble sleeping and I could have less anxiety over all the things I sit and think about at night when I should be sleeping.

Why judge me for MY choices just because they are different than yours?

The other day I was watching the Wendy Williams show and they were discussing Jen Kirkman's book I can barely take care of myself and women who chose not to have children.

I made this decision for myself, long before I became an adult. I knew as a little girl I did not want children. When all of my friends were getting together playing house, I wanted to be the business woman who went off to work.  Raising children was just never something I wanted for myself.  

Of course my own childhood experience has a lot to do with my personal choice to not have children, mainly I don't want to be the reason any other child looks at my biological family and says, "what's wrong with these people and how was I born into this?" or wonder why their own biological family were so selfish and did not care for them. 

I have always been proud of the fact that I am able to recognize the fact that I don't want children and be responsible enough to follow through on this desire and not have any "accidents" when there are so many people out there having baby after baby who can't afford them or are not good parents to them because they never really wanted them in the first place.

It's hard a child to be raised in a home where they know they are not really wanted or where the way of life is in poverty or abused and neglected. These things write on the slate of who that child is to become and often does not help them have a great start into life. Now that I am older and have more life experience I realize there are many things I missed out on that would have helped me have a more successful or full life if only I had known about opportunities or had someone to help me along the way.

Instead of people viewing my choice to not have children as responsible and unselfish they say things like, "but what grandchildren when you are older", "you would make a good mother", or "but our kids could grow up together" and to me these just are not good enough reasons. 

Why is society still so biased when it comes to women who choose not to have children?

Is it right for overweight people to be able to draw disability because they have difficulty being mobile?