Random Thoughts

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

Father/ daughter relationships

For most of my life one thing I have always wished I could have but have known I never would was a real relationship with  my father.  

"Researchers have noted for decades that children view their home environment and relationship with their parents as “models”, and that this is usually reflected in how these children interact in new environments in the future." (Lopez - Duran 2009) The results of this research concluded the following:

1. Girls with good communication with their fathers also had significantly better communication with their boyfriends when compared to girls with low communication with their fathers.
2. Girls with high levels of trust with their fathers also had significantly better communication and trust with their boyfriends.
3. Finally, time spent with their fathers was not associated with communication, trust or time spent with their boyfriends.

It appears that  girls who have a good relationship/bond with their fathers are able to better establish trust and security in their future relationships.  Does that mean it is safe to say that girls without an established relationship/bond with their father's have more difficulty establishing trust/security within other relationships/bonds? 

After years of trying to have real conversations with my father I have reached a point where I am just done.  For many years there was no contact and it is always for the same reason. When I have attempted to spend time with him it always contains the following issues:

1. His wife (3rd now) always has to be involved. This was true with his 2nd wife too. There has never just been time spent together just me & him. 

2. The conversation is always about him. Even if I try to discuss my life, dreams, goals, concerns, achievements, etc. somehow he always changes the conversation back to him. 

3. I have caught him in so many lies over the years that I find it difficult to believe anything he says. 

4. He avoids any discussion of issues that exist between him and I. It's hard to move forward with a person who refuses to accept their own role or responsibility for things that happened to their child but instead avoids the issues all together.  

It's amazing to me because he wants me to be around but it's as if he doesn't really want to know me or about my life.  It's seems to be all about appearances. The appearance of a "happy family" is more important to him that the actual relationship/bond and I find this very fake and have no desire to be part of his picture of a "happy family".  I was and still am not fortunate enough to have a father that enriched my life. He never made me feel special or important, he never made me feel like I had value as an independent, intelligent person.  I always have felt neglected when it came to my father. 

Being treated like this as a child diminished my self worth. For a long time, the expectations I had for myself were very low, and the expectations I had in relationships with others were very low. Not having a loving, trusting, nurturing relationship with my father I believe is why I had relationships with men that I knew would never be there for me. Over the years I have longed for this to change and hoped for a connection with a man who left little more than tire tracks on the road of my life. 

In 2010 I wrote him a 15 page letter outlining the issues I had with him and the expectations I had of him and what I needed from him in order to have a real relationship with him. He never acknowledged anything more than he received the letter. Experiences with him (or should I say through his wife) in 2011 have caused me to come to the decision that I am done trying with him or giving him the opportunity to have a real relationship/bond with me.  

I attended a 2010 Christmas gathering at his house my first year back in the town he lives in. I was uncomfortable being in his house because it had been so long since I had been there and the last time I was in his house was back around 1993 when a physical confrontation between his wife and I led to a court battle in which I was emancipated.  The conversation was all about him and how wonderful he was and all the things he had done.  A few months went by and he showed up at my house on Valentine's day with a pink stuffed gorilla. He stayed for a whole 5 minutes and left.  A few more months go by and in July I received a phone call from his wife inviting me to go to the lake with them (and her kids/grand kids). I explained I had already made other plans and would be unable to attend.  A few more months go by and it's my birthday. I receive a text from his wife saying he had been trying to call me all day long. I quickly called up my land line as I was already out of town with birthday plans & there was one message from him at 4pm.  I explained to her that he had only called once and did not try my cell at all and that I was out of town for my birthday. She explained that he wanted to take me out to dinner. I told her if they wanted to make plans with me they needed to not wait until the last minute because I was not a person who tended to sit still for long.  She texted to me to call them when I returned so they could take me to dinner. I told her it would be sometime in the following week.  Upon returning to town I texted my father to let him know I was back and never received a response from him. A few more months go by and it's the night before Thanksgiving. Once again, his wife texts me and asks if I am coming to their house for Thanksgiving. I told her I would not be because I had plans to spend with the people who had spent holidays with and been family since I was 16 years old.  Another month goes by and it's a few days before Christmas. Again, I receive a text from his wife that asks me if I am coming to their house on Christmas Eve.  I explain to her that I had, a friend pass away a few days prior and would be attending a memorial for her, then going to the same place I had since I was 16 years old for holidays and then to another friend's on Christmas day as I had for the past 10 years or so.  She responded by telling me that she knew I thought my friends were my family but they were not. She told me she thought I should go to their house.  

I was so angry by this statement. Who did she think she was? The state of Texas thought they were such poor parents and abusive people that they emancipated me when I was 15 years old. The State of Texas thought I would survive better on my own at 15 than remaining in their house.  The people I had spent every holiday with since that time were my family! They were the ones who where there for me, who loved me and helped me build the life I have now. They were the ones who called me and I called on a regular basis. They were the ones who I spent time with and were interested in my life and who I was as I was with them.  Not my father and her! How dare she say these people were not my family! I decided because I was so angry I shouldn't respond because anything I would say at that time would only be to hurt them and I was a better person than that. 

A few days ago a text came through (hold on to your britches! Shocker) from my dad.  All it said was "come see me".  I still haven't responded to that one either because I have no desire to go somewhere I am uncomfortable and no time to spend with people who can't even answer simple questions about who I am like:

What's my favorite food?

What chore do I absolutely hate doing?

What was my first car?

What's my favorite animal?

What is my - 

• associates degree in?
• Bachelors degree in?
• Masters degree in? 

What's my favorite time of year?

What's my favorite flower?

What was the most difficult experience of my life?

What organizations do I volunteer for?

What's the name of the 2 books I have published?

I have thought about texting him one question for 10 days and seeing if he can answer at least 5 of them correctly. I thought that if he could maybe I wouldn't close the door just yet and if he couldn't then I would just tell him I couldn't sit and want him to take a real interest in me and who I was any longer. Over the past few days though I have thought, "here I am once again being the one doing the work trying to create a real bond, for him to have knowledge of who I am, where I have been, what I have experienced.......why doesn't he want to know these things about me enough to seek out the information?"

Resources:

Father-daughter bond affects the daughters’ romantic relationships

by NESTOR LOPEZ-DURAN PHD on MAY 27, 2009

How to Check References of Prospective Tenants for Your Rental Property

 Require potential tenants to complete rental applications. Ask for credit histories, personal references, and names of employers and former landlords.

 Verify employment status and bank information by contacting employers and financial institutions.

 Get recommendations on the character of potential renters by contacting references.

 Contact former landlords to check on the payment records of tenants.

 Order credit reports from a major credit reporting company - such as Equifax or Trans Union - to verify credit history and learn about any evictions or convictions.

Learning to Enjoy Single Life

Being single does not have to be a never ending road of waiting to find a partner to enjoy activities and life with. By being vibrant and active and loving yourself enough to build a good life you can attract others.

Each day add 3 pleasurable activities to your day! These things don't have to be huge, time consuming activities, perhaps just taking a stroll in the local park, spend a few minutes reading a good book - even just one chapter, take a cat nap, use one of those many beauty/spa products - give yourself a facial, a pedicure, relax and enjoy aroma therapy, or make yourself a sit down meal instead of eating on the couch or on the go!

Another way of enjoying the single life is to do things now instead of waiting for someone to do things with! Take a vacation alone! Go to a movie, take a class.  Some of my favorite trips have been last minute, spur of the moment road trips

just because no one was available to go with me. Most of these trips I don't even tell anyone I am going on, I just load up my dog, load up my bags and hop in the truck and drive. Sometimes I have even been known not to have a destination - just maybe a timeframe "I need to be back on Saturday night for dinner with Kilie" so I have 24 hours to go somewhere and off I go with no destination in mind!

When you stifle your life because you are single, you stifle your spirit too. Living the life you want now instead of waiting for a partner energizes you, enlivens your spirit and attracts like minded people to your life.

Right now, I ask you name 3 things you wanted to do that you have not done because you were single? Now, I challenge you do 1 of things! If you are reallly ambitious do all 3!