Wading Through the Frogs

Friday night as I was having dinner and drinks with a friend we were discussing dating. She made the comment that she wasn't really dating or even interested in dating at the moment because she realized that she only has about 10 more years with here children. These are 10 more years that she can devote to building a bond with her children that will sustain them through out the rest of their lives as her children move on in the world and begin their own life journeys.  She then made the statement that after those 10 years then she could devote time to herself and possibly finding someone to share her life with.  At the time of the statement I could see where she was coming from because even as a single woman it does take a lot of time and energy to find someone compatible that you want to share your life with. 

It has been about a week since I posted my profile on a dating website. As I previously mentioned at first I only added the basic information about myself, but later I went back and added some details.  The responses have been flooding in but I must admit I am not surprised at the quality of the responses out there as I stated when I originally started this research I was wondering what type of guys are out there.  

There have been many responses but I must admit I am disappointed in the lack of communication in the responses. It seems that most of the guys who have responded do not add original text to the messages but instead respond with the standard form replies which I have to say does not impress me because if they can't even think of something to say initially to entice me to respond how are they going to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me down the road to keep my attention. They could at least even put something funny in the message......that would grab my attention!

Then there is the second set of guys who immediately want your phone number and additional pictures. These immediately scream delete at me because they seem to want to move to fast instead of getting to know me or they appear to be only interested in the physical and that screams delete too!

Then there was a message in my inbox from someone I new once upon a time. We did exchange phone numbers and have chatted a few times. 

Then there were a few responses that confirm that some guys are just jerks. The one's without photos, the one's who lack any personal identifying information. The one's that appear to just be looking for one thing. Of course these scream delete but as this type of guy fills my inbox I have to admit the research is leaning towards "there are no good guys left". 

A New Journey Begins

After all the bad experiences and poor matches with dating over the past 6 years I was talking to a sister/friend the other night about expectations and desires in a relationship.  I had to ask myself if I asking for too much. I think to myself surely not but since it has been so difficult finding what I want and after listening to all my friends complain about the same things in their relationships that I am not willing to tolerate I wonder: am I asking too much?

This has made me curious about the type of guys that are out there. I decided to take a minute and look at some of the options on some of the online sources to see what type of guys are out there, single and looking.  I created a profile with no details about myself other than the basic statistical data required (age, sex, interested in, location) and it amazed me that in less than an hours time I was contacted by 6 men wanting to meet me and only one of them even mentioned that my profile was lacking information the others just put lines like, "Hi! What's up tonight?" and "Hi, how are you?".  These are not so bad but I found it interesting that they would contact me with no questions about myself since there were no details in my profile so the contact was based on my picture which does make me feel good about my looks but makes me wonder about the personality of these first initial contacts.

I went to bed and turned off my phone and woke up with several more contacts. One actually mentioned the lack of information on my profile. Finally, someone who might actually be interested in substance.  As I read these guys messages and respond I have decided to blog about the process just because I wonder:

1. are there any good guys left?

2. are there any guys who know how to court/date a woman?

3. am I asking for too much?

There is no try, there is only do and do not.

Listening to myself

A month has passed since I last updated.  I made a choice in the dating department. I informed Michael I had concerns about all the issues I had and let him know that these are all "red flags" in my mind and let him know that I wanted to deal with all the issues in a slow manner but that I wanted to be courted at a slow pace while addressing the areas of concern.  I had a feeling that I was right about all the issues I thought h had and that he would not be a strong enough man to deal with a healthy, independent woman and that he would not court me, deal with his issues (because he was in denial) and handle Independence and that he wouldn't call and things would be over.

I haven't heard a peep out of him in about a month. I texted him Happy Holidays when I texted all my contacts and nothing. It made me laugh a little bit because it was more evidence that he just wanted ready made family and did not truly want me. (I deserve someone who truly wants me). I was happy because I knew I had made the right choice for me.

Sometimes when I talk to people about relationships they act as if they think I don't want one, but the truth is that I do want a relationship more than anything but I want a good, healthy one. I want a companion, a partner, someone who has their own healthy life and interests as well as someone who has some share interests and will continue to grow with me.  I was someone who is going to court me and treat me right. I want someone who can have an intelligent conversation, has ambition, and who still wants to grow as a person.  I don't think this is too much to ask for, but I do think it might be hard to find.

Recognizing the "red flags" more quickly

It never fails, just when I think all is well in my life it always seems that the one thing that never seems to work out well is the man I choose to date.

I moved back to my hometown in April 2010 and bought a cute little house on a cute little street. Karen had been diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in the year and had been starting her chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I wanted to be closer to her and closer to my niece and sister.

I was settling into my new house and my virtual assistant company I had started the previous year was doing well. I couldn't have asked for anything more except maybe a friend or companion to share my life with.  I started reconnecting with some old girlfriends and then I ran into Michael at the grocery store.  The Summer went well, we went to the lake a lot, then school started and his sons had sports to attend and the time spent with him was enjoyable.  Quickly though the pressure started to come. I had already been questioning his intentions with me but when he started to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with other friends or family the red flags were flying all over the place.  It wasn't ever anything he said or did, but when he would say "I understand" and "I'm busy too" he would then send me text messages asking when he was going to see me next, with an undertone that he didn't like other things occupying my time.

When I would make time to spend with him it was always the same thing once the Summer activities ended. He wanted me to come to his house and sit around and watch television.  The only time the routine was changed was if it was something I suggested.  I would tell  him that I wanted more of an effort from him to be courted but still he did nothing to change things. Even if I invited him to go to an event or place with me he would decline by saying maybe someday. I informed him that someday never comes but he still just wanted to participate in his own routine. I felt as if he was just looking for someone who would fall into this routine as well and that was definitely not me.  His desire to have me fall into his life instead of building one with me quickly became a turn off.

I continued to engage in my life, spend time with my friends and family and participate in the activities I enjoyed.  He would text me saying "when am I going to see you", "I miss you", "I love you" and while that was nice to hear from someone words quickly lose their meaning when they are not followed up by actions.  After awhile his texts began to carry a tone of desperation which was even more of a turn off; after all we had only been seeing each other for 3 months at that point.  This began to make me feel like he wasn't in love with me but rather in love with the idea of being in love and that honestly any person who would have been willing to fall into his routine would have sufficed.

I do care for him. He is one of my oldest friends, I have known him since I was 11. I am not the kind of person that can give up my own life or dreams and just fall into someone else's life.  I can't settle and while I do care for him I am afraid if I do not end things with him soon, I will be doing just that.

It's been a struggle right now because I don't want to make the wrong decision but while I a trying to  make a choice he continues with the neediness after I have explained these things to him and that just pushes me further away.

On top of all of that the ex situations is not good. She allows things with the boys I don't agree with and Michael is in denial about and I don't want to deal with that type of person. There are just too many things to think about.

Question

If someone said a book would change the way you viewed the world and possible the way you viewed all the people in your life and possibly seperate you from friends and family..........would you still read it?