As I prepare for my roadtrip I sit and think about what has led me here. This place in my life where I just want to get in my truck with my dogs and drive.........anywhere away from my normal existance, away from the people in my daily life! The people who say they are my "friends", the people who supposedly are so much about me who haven't called or visited in months!
What's my purpose with this trip?
This trip is about wanting to accomplish something, wanting to leave my mark, wanting to create tangible evidence that I was here, to find a path that I long for, a life of freedom and meaning.
I leave on Thursday evening and while I am away I plan to use this time not only to take pictures and find out if I can acocmplish anything worth while but I also intend to use this time traveling to reflect on my dreams and how I am going to forge through all the cloudiness and muck to create a job for myself and continue to write, volunteer and just have time to have the quality life I have come to enjoy and value so much! I want to do better, be better and make a difference in this world to someone, anyone.....
I have to put fear aside and trust that my travels in this life will lead where it is supposed to and learn to believe in myself!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Rottweilers
My passion has been the Rottweiler for many years. The Rottweiler has a large boxy head and a powerful body. Muscular and athletic, this dogs body was built for work. The muzzle is well-developed with a scissor bite. The Rottweilers eyes are dark with an expression of goodwill, curiosity and loyalty. The ears are triangular, carried forward, and its nose is wide and black. The lips are black and inside the mouth it is dark-colored. The tail is customarily docked within three days of birth. Often born with rear dewclaws which are usually removed when the tail is docked. The coat is short, hard and thick. It is black with brown markings on the cheeks and muzzle, paws and legs.
Rottweiler bitches often have large litters; 12 puppies are not uncommon. With the two litters my female had there were 12 puppies each time.
Some claim there are two variations of Rotties, the German Rottweiler and the American Rottweiler. German Rotties are said to be shorter, stockier and have a bigger blockier head, and American Rotties are said to be taller and leggier without the block head. In any case, there are breeders breeding for the German Rottweiler look, which goes outside the AKC standard, while others are breeding for the American Rottweiler look, which follows the AKC standard more closely. Most people when they think of the Rottweiler and are considering purchasing one for their companion are looking for the more boxy look however, I believe a Rottie is a Rottie and all are loveable, loyal creatures with the exceptional ability of being an excellent companion when cared for correctly!
Temperment
The Rottweiler companion has gained a bad reputation through much help from inappropriate breeding, training (or should I say lack of training) and abuse. The Rottweiler is calm, gentle, loyal, obedient and extremely loyal to its primary caregiver. The Rottweiler will protect its master/mistress fiercly. They are very strong fighters and almost appear to be immune to feeling pain. Firm and careful training is a must for ANY Rottweiler to be able to control these extremely desirable traits. Without proper and continuous training these dogs could become quit dangerous when left to be as they desire. Without training you could end up with an extremely dangerous and aggressive companion.
Because of a Rottweilers size if you are considering a Rottweiler as your companion it is imperative that you are able to control and properly handle their size and strength. Rottweilers are extremely intelligent and if you are not the alpha dog in the pack then your Rottweiler will assume the leader of pack leader and the Rottweilers idea of being pack leader is not the most socialized, well behaved example. Dogs natural instinct is to live as a pack and every pack has its own pecking order. The human members of the pack must establish that they are first in the pecking order. Children must be trained to lead Rottweilers as well as their adult pack members. The primary caregiver usually is identified as the pack leader. Establishing the pack leader role is the only way to have a successful pack that includes a Rottweiler. Socialization is also another key factor in proper training. We all want our Rottweilers to protect our homes and families but we want them to be gentle with our friends and loved ones who come to visit or whom we visit.
Height and Weight Statistics
Height: 24-27 inches (61-69 cm.) Bitches 22-25 inches (56-63 cm.)Weight: Dogs 95-130 pounds (43-59 kg.) Bitches 85-115 pounds (38-52 kg.)
Proper exersice is a must with a large breed dog such as a Rottweiler. Too much weight on a Rottie can lead to joint issues and other health problems.
Health Problems
The Rottweiler is prone to cancer, hip displasia and other joint related diseases, and other gastro intestinal diseases. Educating yourself on these ailments and what causes them will help in the proper care and long life of your companion.
Living Environment
Rottweilers can adapt to any living environment when proper exercise is provided. A Rottweiler requires long fast paced walks at least once a day, preferably twice if possible. Rottweilers are relatively inactive when indoors and should have a proper yard or place where they can exercise regularly.
Rottweilers do not have a natural desire to wander away from their pack so open spaces where they can freely run are excellent options. Rottweilers are also excellent swimmers and love to play fetch. Their desire is to please their master/mistress.
Life Span
Rottweilers normal life expectancy is 10-12 years.
Grooming
A Rottweiler requires little grooming. Their coat requires a regular brushing with a bristled brush and bathing only when needed. Shedding for the Rottweiler is pretty average but most peoples idea of what is average differs. I personally have no carpet in my home and I sweep every room in my house (2 bedroom, living room, dining room, kitchen) twice a week.
Group
The Rottweiler belongs to the AKC working dog class. It is believed that they originate from the Mastiffs.
Troubled People
I bought my home about 4 years ago. It was a nice, quiet, older neighborhood. All the neighbors have been extremely pleasant accept for 1 household. It's a man and his wife and their two children (a son in his 20's and a daughter that appears to be around 12 or 13).
When I first started meeting the neighbors many of them warned me about this man, saying things like, "he calls the cops on everyone for everything", "he's mean", "stay away from him"........etc etc etc. I always try not to judge others especially by what others say so I tried to be friendly. I would wave when they were outside, I would say hello as I passed by on my walks just trying to be neighborly.
At first they were friendly and would say hello back. Then I started noticing little things that bothered me. Some mornings I would wake up to get ready for work and I would see through the windows that he and his son were standing in the middle of the street outside my home looking towards my house. I didn't let this bother me too much. Then I would notice that when my dogs were outside on their dog run ( I didn't have a fence at that time) they would be outside teasing and hollaring and throwing sticks at my dogs, irritating them. This I would not and could not allow. I stepped outside and informed them that with large dogs you could not behave in that manner towards them. I let them know that behavior such as that was deemed threatening by the dogs and that it would aggitate them possibly causing behavior problems that they had never had nor did I intend for them to gain.
Other neighbors would tell me that he would be walking around my yard during the day when I was at work trying to look in the windows but the dogs (who live in my house) would bark and they would move away from the house. This quickly caught my attention and caused worry. I spoke to them and informed them that if I was not home I did not want them on my property and would appreciate it if they would not go on my property and bother my dogs.
Shortly after that animal control started showing up at my house on a weekly basis. I would come home from work to find notes from animal control on my front door saying a neighbor had called saying the dogs were loose in the street. I would call animal control and state the obvious: "when you left the note on my front door, where were the dogs?" The animal control officer would state inside the house barking out the window at him. That would drop the issue. Then every few days it was the same story.......a neighbor called saying they were out. One morning specificly I was woken up by a loud knocking at the door. I threw on my housecoate and jumped out of bed to get the front door (friends and family always come to my back door so I knew it was something urgent). It was animal control stating that they received a call that the dogs were loose again. I was so angry I lit into the animal control officer! I asked him if I looked like a person who had been out chasing their dogs around? I told him I did not appreciate being woke up on one of my only days off, early to tell me that my dogs were out running around when in fact they had been in the bed with me sleeping peacefully until animal control woke us up! He apologized and said he would get to the bottom of the issue to find out what was going on and why this neighbor kept making false reports. I closed my door behind him but looked out my windows and watched him walk across the street to the particular neighbors house whom everyone had warned me about. I was so angry!
Still trying to keep peace I said nothing to the neighbor but I did stop trying to be friendly. Enough was enough and this had started to be harrassing behavior. I started noticing trash in my yard when I would come home from work, saying nothing I would just take pictures and pick it up.
Then one day I came home after work to find my front door was open! I called the police and they looked around and stated it did appear that someone had come in through one of my windows but maybe had been chased out by the dogs. They said they had come by earlier in the day because a neighbor had called saying the dogs were out loose. The officers said that when they arrived both dogs were in the house in the living room in front of the open door. The officers said the dogs would not let them in the house but that they did let them pull the door closed. Excellent! My dogs did as they were trained to do! I noticed that when the officers left they walked over to this same neighbors house again........interesting.
I went to the police department and spoke with the police chief about what had been occuring. I showed him the pictures i had been taking of incidents that had been found upon my return to my home each day. He informed me that the same neighbor had been calling on a daily basis complaining that my dogs were out. I informed the officer that this was not the case as the dogs were in the home each day when I returned from home and that the animal control officer had never found them running loose. I also informed him of the break in and that even that day the officers who arrived at my home didn't find them outside but in fact found them in our home. The chief said he would put a regular patrol on my house and we would get to the bottom of whatever was going on. He asked me if I had ever had any words with the neighbor and I told him that I had been worned when I moved in that this neighbor harrasses everyone and the chief said that this was true. He said each time a new person moves into the neighborhood they start getting calls from this guy but that nothing ever has come of it and the guy usually stops. By this point I had been living in the neighborhood about a year and a half.
A few days later I was in my home with my dogs we were watching television and there was yet another knock at the door. Animal control again! That was it I had had enough. I told the officer that I was sick and tired of the city allowing him to use them to harrass me and that they better figure this out before something bad happened. I told them I wasn't going to put up with this constant harrassment and if it meant I had to get an attorney and sue the city for harrassment, I would. The animal control officer called another officer to the home and we discussed the situation with him. The new officer walked across the street and explained that what he was doing was considered filing false reports and harrassment and would not be tolerated any longer. The man made a few more claims about things that were untrue. The officer stated that the neighbor needed to stay off my property, away from me and my animals and get along. Both officers left.
Later that night, I was alerted to someone on my property by my dogs. I looked out the window to see this man in my front yard. I was so angry! I grabbed the phone dialed the police department, opened the door and said, " D___d Sc____n, get off my property I am calling the police, I have had enough of you and this is going to stop!" I gave the dispatcher my name and address and told her to get an officer here now!". The officer arrived, took my report, walked over to the neighbors house and wrote him a ticket for tresspassing. The next day I went outside in to see what he was doing and found pieces of broken glass scattered all over my yard. I took pictures, called the police again and showed them the glass. They informed me that they had sited him and he would have to pay a fine or take it to court to fight it.
A few weeks went by and the court hearing arrived. I went to the hearing to testify about the troubles that had been occurring. The officers involved were called to the stand and informed the court that this had been going on for almost two yeas now and that they had never found any of the neighbors calls to be accurate. They stated that the neighbor had recently been complaining that when officers arrived each time he called that he thought I was sleeping with the officers. I was appalled! The judge fined the man for the citation and stated that she didn't want to see him in her court again.
In the meantime a new neighbor moved in to the neighborhood. I noticed that the same pattern was occuring with them. Animal control was constantly at their house, officers were constantly at their house and I felt so bad for them. One day while I was working out in my yard the girl who lived in the home walked over to my yard. She stated what had been happening and asked me if I had had any trouble with my dogs. I told her what I had been through and told her who had been the harrasser. Soon another new neighbor moved into the area. A young man and woman with dogs as well. Soon officers started showing up at their house. The situation was completely rediculous. The young man was growing very upset and stated that he was going to find out who was calling on them because even though sometimes their dog did get loose in the neighborhood when they were playing with her she always retrieved the toy they were playing with and returned back to them. This was the case as I had witnessed it on several occasions. Ocassionaly she would come to my yard and "visit" with my dogs but other than that she was no problem.
I felt bad because on one hand this man had left me alone, but on the other hand he had started harrassing others. This man sits in his living room all day by the front window with the blinds pulled open watching everything everyone did. It was rediculous and caused alot of animosity in the neighborhood. We would have weekend gatherings and invite the other neighbors and some would come and some would not. We were never loud and it was never late and he started calling the police saying we were doing it on purpose because we didn't like him. He stated we were having the gatherings to bother him. The officers told him maybe if he tried to get along with his neighbors maybe he would be invited to the gatherings but that they saw nothing wrong with our gatherings.
About another year goes by and everything settles down. I thought great! Maybe he finally got the hint and was going to leave everyone alone! Then last night I did some gardening. I noticed that this neighbor and his wife had walked outside in their front yard. I didn't acknowledge their presence but when on about my gardening. I finished what I was doing and put everything away and sat down on my back steps. I noticed I had left my shovel leaning against the fence post on the inside of my yard. I said oh, forget it I will put it away in the morning. Around 7am this morning I heard my dog barking in the living room. I jumped out of bed and went to see what he was barking at. I flipped on the television and turned to the channel my security camera was on (put that in about six months ago) and rewound the tape to see what had been outside previously. To my amazement I see the harrassing neighbor's son reaching over my fence into my yard and taking my shovel!!! I couldn't believe it. This shovel was so old and there was nothing special about it. He had done this just to bother me, just to cause more problems........
What was wrong with this man that he would behave this way?
What do you do with people like this? How do you make them stop? Apparently fines, and tickets aren't enough to prevent them from behaving this way. Why do people like this have to continuously cause problems? Wouldn't it be much better and wouldn't they have a better experience in life if they did not go around behaving in this manner? How do you deal with people like this?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
3 Questions
What are the truely important questions in life and where do we go to get the answers to them?
Are you at peace with yourself?
I think for a long time I was not at peace with myself. I think situations that were out of my control caused me to flounder in life and I had no idea which direction was up or down, but now that I am older and a little bit wiser and have started to deal with all those issues from my past I think I am at peace with myself.
Are you giving to your community?
I haven't always been giving to my community but recently I have started donating blooding on a regular basis again and volunteering at local community programs.
Do you have anyone to share your heart with?
No, I do not have anyone to share my heart with in a romantic sense. I desire someone to share my heart with. I even have someone in my life that I think I would be willing to share my heart with, but I like the way things are with that person now. I like the occasional getting together to share times, thoughts, ideas, shared interest, learn from one another, teach one another, occasional erotic moments shared, light hearted chatting.....and occasional outings...............I think right now that's probably all I can offer to anyone.
"When you know how to die, you know how to live."
Road Trip Update!
Well, this morning I woke up early because I have so much prep to take care of before leaving for my road trip! All the lovely responsibilities of being a grown up: you know paying bills, preparing the house to be closed down for awhile and not be a mess when I return, making arrangements for a neighbor to come by and check on things, take the mail in etc.....and of course shopping and packing for the trip! I swear my companions, NaNook and NaKoda need more things than I do! They are such pampered pets!
I have decided I believe I am going to head south! I will probably end up in the San Antonio area and then see where I go from there! There are so many beautiful nature spots down there with hiking trails and what not! I can get lost in the hills of that area just walking for miles looking at the birds, foxes, wild cats, butterflies, and the foliage! I just hope the water isn't so cold we can't get in anywhere because we love to swim!
On a side note:
I opened up my emails this morning to discover: My baby brother and his wife are pregnant with their second child! Yippie! I may have to put them on the path of my road trip so I can go by and visit!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Activities to keep you connected !
Recently, in one of my Masters program courses we were discussing how technology such as cell phones, email, instant messaging, and other various handheld devices have made communication much easier and more instantanious but that they hinder the human communication through body language, tone, and emotions! Meaningful connections are necessary to help develop human bonding and there are many ways to stay emotionally connected with your friends, family, neighbors and the rest of the world!
Maintaining a meaningful connections with family and friends!
Twice a year plan a vacation with friends! Revisit places you have been before or plan trips to a new location and create a new adventure for all! I often plan trips to a rural town not too far away from everyone where there's not much to do except socialize with one another and enjoy the outdoors! There are neighboring communities which offer activities but often times we all end up staying at the house having drinks, listening to music, taking pictures and just catching up with one another!
During the rest of the year in between the vacations I send letters and cards to my loved ones letting them know I am thinking about them or celebrating particular dates/events!
For those who have friends and family living near by we schedule a weekly outing. Each Friday evening we all meet at a local bar/grill and catch up on the weekly events of our lives and just spend some time with one another!
For those that live far from us we can use email on a regular basis to keep one another updated. We can share pictures of trips, children, animals, new projects or items purchased etc!
Active in the Community
Get to know your neighbors! Take a walk around the neighborhood and stop and chat with anyone you might see! I have made it a point to get to know my neighbors over the last four years that I have lived in this particular neighborhood! I have watched one neighbors children grow, saw him get married, watched another neighbor heel from an injury and even had a neighbors wife get ill and recently pass away. We have built connections and bonds through talking over the fences about the latest events in our lives, visiting one another's animals, and helping each other out with projects! These are relationships I value very much being a single woman. They make me feel like I am not so alone in the world even though I do not live close to my family and most of my friends!
Donate your read magazines and newspapers to local library, nursing homes, hospitals, or schools! Donate your old clothes to churches, charitable organizations in your community.
Have a rotating happy hour, pic nic, bbq in your neighborhood! Once a month I invite everyone I know to my home and provide a place for socializing! Everyone brings drinks and food and we just socialize and have lots of fun!
Start a new tradition in your life today that helps you stay connected to your loved ones and community! Remember you are never going to know when you need someone's help and it's always nice to know you have connections close by!
Maintaining a meaningful connections with family and friends!
Twice a year plan a vacation with friends! Revisit places you have been before or plan trips to a new location and create a new adventure for all! I often plan trips to a rural town not too far away from everyone where there's not much to do except socialize with one another and enjoy the outdoors! There are neighboring communities which offer activities but often times we all end up staying at the house having drinks, listening to music, taking pictures and just catching up with one another!
During the rest of the year in between the vacations I send letters and cards to my loved ones letting them know I am thinking about them or celebrating particular dates/events!
For those who have friends and family living near by we schedule a weekly outing. Each Friday evening we all meet at a local bar/grill and catch up on the weekly events of our lives and just spend some time with one another!
For those that live far from us we can use email on a regular basis to keep one another updated. We can share pictures of trips, children, animals, new projects or items purchased etc!
Active in the Community
Get to know your neighbors! Take a walk around the neighborhood and stop and chat with anyone you might see! I have made it a point to get to know my neighbors over the last four years that I have lived in this particular neighborhood! I have watched one neighbors children grow, saw him get married, watched another neighbor heel from an injury and even had a neighbors wife get ill and recently pass away. We have built connections and bonds through talking over the fences about the latest events in our lives, visiting one another's animals, and helping each other out with projects! These are relationships I value very much being a single woman. They make me feel like I am not so alone in the world even though I do not live close to my family and most of my friends!
Donate your read magazines and newspapers to local library, nursing homes, hospitals, or schools! Donate your old clothes to churches, charitable organizations in your community.
Have a rotating happy hour, pic nic, bbq in your neighborhood! Once a month I invite everyone I know to my home and provide a place for socializing! Everyone brings drinks and food and we just socialize and have lots of fun!
Start a new tradition in your life today that helps you stay connected to your loved ones and community! Remember you are never going to know when you need someone's help and it's always nice to know you have connections close by!
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Quick, Easy Pic Nic in the backyard!
Many people in our communities are suffering from financial hardship right now but still desire a litte fun and enjoyment in their lives!
Take a minute out for yourself and create a quick and easy pic nic in your backyard!
Find a sheet or table cloth that you don't mind laying on the ground.
Set a place setting for anyone you have invited: kids, friends, significant other, or just for yourself!
Place food in center of spread for all to serve from!
Play your favorite music and enjoy the peaceful setting and little bit of home made fun!
Now for the good stuff!
The menu:
Grilled cheese sandwhiches (Don't say ugh...these are not your ordinary grilled cheese sandwhiches. Grilled cheese with a twist! Easy Salsa and chips
and ouf course it wouldn't be a pic nic without desert: Popcicles but again popcicles with a twist!
Recipes
Grilled smoked Cheddar, bacon, and tomato on seven grain
Toast your bread lightly, spread a small amount of dijion mustard on each slice of bread, layer: bacon, smoked cheddar and tomato
Salsa
4 lg plum tomatoes diced
1/2 c white onion chopped
3 tablespoons frsh cilantro chopped
2 tablespoons jalepeno minced (remove seeds)
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 sm garlic clove minced
combine all ingredients in a bowl. Mix well and serve with your favorite chips!
Lemon Blueberry Pops
Drain one 15 oz can of blueberries - reserve juice
set aside 1/3 can of blueberries
Puree remaining berries and 1 tablespoon juice in blender
Fold in remaining berries
In a bowl mix two 6 oz cups lemon yogurt with 1/2 cup milk
in 3 oz paper cups alternate 2 tablespoons yogurt mixture with 1 tablespoon of blueberry mixture. Swirl and freeze.
Take a minute out for yourself and create a quick and easy pic nic in your backyard!
Find a sheet or table cloth that you don't mind laying on the ground.
Set a place setting for anyone you have invited: kids, friends, significant other, or just for yourself!
Place food in center of spread for all to serve from!
Play your favorite music and enjoy the peaceful setting and little bit of home made fun!
Now for the good stuff!
The menu:
Grilled cheese sandwhiches (Don't say ugh...these are not your ordinary grilled cheese sandwhiches. Grilled cheese with a twist! Easy Salsa and chips
and ouf course it wouldn't be a pic nic without desert: Popcicles but again popcicles with a twist!
Recipes
Grilled smoked Cheddar, bacon, and tomato on seven grain
Toast your bread lightly, spread a small amount of dijion mustard on each slice of bread, layer: bacon, smoked cheddar and tomato
Salsa
4 lg plum tomatoes diced
1/2 c white onion chopped
3 tablespoons frsh cilantro chopped
2 tablespoons jalepeno minced (remove seeds)
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 sm garlic clove minced
combine all ingredients in a bowl. Mix well and serve with your favorite chips!
Lemon Blueberry Pops
Drain one 15 oz can of blueberries - reserve juice
set aside 1/3 can of blueberries
Puree remaining berries and 1 tablespoon juice in blender
Fold in remaining berries
In a bowl mix two 6 oz cups lemon yogurt with 1/2 cup milk
in 3 oz paper cups alternate 2 tablespoons yogurt mixture with 1 tablespoon of blueberry mixture. Swirl and freeze.
Creative Road Trip!!!
I have decided to embark on an adventure! Soon I will be leaving to embark on a creativity road trip! I will go where my creativity leads me and I will write and photograph whatever may inspire me at that moment. I have no timeline to follow, no plan of what to do, I am just going to get in my truck with my two faithful companions NaNook and NaKoda and we are going to drive until we feel the need to stop. We will visit people and places along our way take pictures and write and just be free and enjoy ourselves!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday Update
Whoa! Today is Sunday and I will be taking the day off, but come back tomorrow for my first article about throwing a quick and easy Spring party in your own backyard!
Lot's of fun ideas and fantastic recipes!
Lot's of fun ideas and fantastic recipes!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Walking my way to weight loss........part 2 .....STEPPING IT UP!
At this point I was ready to take it up a notch! My energy levels were up! I wasn't as sore and achey each day after the walks any longer! I was feeling better mentally about myself and the world around me!
Week 7 Goal = Walk a total of 60 minutes!
Week 8 Goal = Walk a total of 75 minutes!
Week 9 Goal = Walk a total of 90 minutes!
Take a new picture of yourself and hang it next to the two previous ones you took when you first began this program! You will be amazed at the results all of your hard work has accomplished!
Week 10 Goal = Walk a total of 100 minutes!
Week 11 Goal = Walk a total of 120 minutes!
Week 12 Goal = Walk a total of 150 minutes!
Remember to keep your weight training going on these walks! This will help to continue to define your upper body!
Smart Ideas:
- Invest in a good comfortable pair of sneakers
- to relieve minor shin and ankle soarness stretch legs before and after each walk
- If you get bored, change the direction you walk! Take a new neighborhood on your walk!
- If you find you are short on time on a particular day, break your walk up and walk multiple times a day!
- Listen to your Ipod, or a radio, or cd.....on walks! I use my Ipod and listen to music, pod casts, and aduio books on my walks to help forget about time!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Religion and Hollywood - Nov. 18 1999
There has always been a battle between the "Hollywood" entertainment industry and the public, mainly the Christian religious organizations. Our entertainment industry has received much of the blame for the downward spiral of societies values and behaviors. The cause of this finger pointing is the blatant depiction of sexually explicit material, violence, drug use, and profanity in the films, television shows, music, and books that are produced by "Hollywood", for the public to view.
According to David Bruce and "Hollywood Jesus" there are many interesting connections between the actual cross of Jesus and the Hollywood sign. These connections date back thousands of year to the Druids and their myths. Hollywood derived its name from the evergreen tree. The wood was perceived to be sacred and the tree itself was named after the goddess Holle, which is where the word holy derives from From this tree they made crowns of thorns or wreaths that hung on their doors. This same wreath was used for the crown that Jesus wore at his crucifixion. The thorns represented the pain that Jesus was believed to have felt, and the berries were believed to represent the blood that Jesus lost. The actual cross was believed to have come from the evergreen three and was later referred to as the holy wood. the actual Hollywood sign has been placed upon a hill as was the cross that Jesus was crucified upon. If in fact these beliefs are accurate, then is there any question as to why Christians are particular about the material that is produced by the "Hollywood" industry?
It is believed by these organizations that because of the violent and graphic nature of the films, television shows, music, and books produced by the entertainment industry that there are few options for families left to enjoy. Upon my research I found that the Kaiser Family Foundation and the University of California, 56% of more than 1300 television shows contained sexual content. 12% of the shows implied intercourse and 3% contained actual scenes of intercourse. In prime time (8pm-10pm) 67% of all shows deal with sex. Of television movies, 83% contain sexual content, 8% of entertainment included teens involved in sexual settings and fewer than 10% of shows ever mention the consequences of sexual activity. What does this say to the future of this world? I believe that it sends a false impression to our teens and even younger children that sex is acceptable no matter what, and that nothing bad can come from the act.
Violence is also a major factor in entertainment 28% of children's shows contain four or more acts of violence per episode, according to the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania. The area of violence in the media has been a heated topic of debate in the aftermath of recent school yard massacres.
President Clinton used the issue for his own public relations. According to an article in the August 18, 1999 Washington Post, President Clinton launched an anti-violence campaign targeted at the youth. Bill and Hillary Clinton met with movie producers, television programmers, and media leaders to urge them to look at their products and consider the effects of the violence upon such young impressionable minds. Then, two days after the Littleton tragedy, Clinton addressed a group of young people to discuss the media's link to violence. In an ironic turn of events only a month later, at a $2 million fund-raiser he told major Hollywood contributors, also major Clinton campaign contributors, that there was "no need for finger pointing". What is the message that Clinton is sending out to the nation? Are we more concerned with our children's well-being or financial gain? This act on behalf of the president gives us the obvious answer that we can not rely on our government to raise our families and give them good morals, values, and spiritual influence.
As believed by many, Senator Brownback stated, "When we watch more and more violence, profanity and sleaze, we eventually grow more violent, profane and course." People become desensitized and tragedies and behaviors no longer effect or weigh upon the conscience as they once did. These experiences become more and more "normal" in our daily lives and our reactions to these situations become numb.
I believe that to lay all of the blame on the entertainment industry is absurd. There are many other factors in the downward spiral of our society. Hollywood has produced many products that do contain much controversial subject matter, however, they also produce many products that do deal with religious aspect of some form. However, they are not always the religious aspect of the common faith of Christianity. such shows on television and in the theaters that deal with religious matter are 7th Heaven, Phenomena, Michael, Touch By an Angel, The Apostle, The God Fathers, Charmed, Vampires, and many documentaries dealing with Christian practices, Hindu, Buddhism, Wicca, Vampirism, etc.
not all of these films are accepted, because of the fact they do not deal with Christian values and practice, however, if that was the only religion depicted, then there would be other organizations in an uproar. Instead of devoting our energy to censoring what is coming out of Hollywood, we should first evaluate our own home environments and ask ourselves if we are setting an appropriate example of how we want our children to believe and behave. In order to live in the land of the free, we have to accept that others have different views and beliefs, and taste in entertainment.
All religion is based upon what man thinks about God. Anand-Buchwald said, "one could easily say that all religion is a bad thing, but as with all it is not the thing in itself that is bad, but the use that is made of it the attitude that one takes." I feel that if one does not like the material that is aired on the television or movie theaters, then instead of complaining they should perhaps monitor and not view the programs.
In order to reduce violence, sexual activity, and drug use the adults have to start at home with their own families. We should evaluate our own actions and decide if we are making good, appropriate decision based according to our own spirituality.
The basic guidelines in every religion, such as the ten commandments, are intended to create a basis on which everybody can rely on and maybe over come some bad streaks of character. They should all improve social life. As stated by Anand Buchwalkd in Religion and Violence, "one can not grow by suppressing behaviors and attitudes." I believe that while the guidelines may help to develop a strong basis to grow from that they should be started in the home with the family and not blamed on an industry such as Hollywood, because, they are only producing a product that the public demands. If there were no demand for such films and television shows, music and books, containing violence, sexual intercourse, profanity and other forms of crudeness, then the entertainment industry or "Hollywood" would be forced to produce another type of entertainment . As long as the public is willing to pay for the films that are now produced, then "Hollywood" will continue to generate them at a growing number. If the public were not willing to participate in such activities then "Hollywood" would not be a multi billion dollar industry.
Until we, as a society, learn to hold ourselves accountable for our actions we will lay blame on anything that will allow us to. In order to grow within our own spirituality, I feel that we must seek out the basis of our beliefs and discover what they mean to us. We should not be offended by someone else' form of enjoyment, nor by their chosen faith. As we have the right to become involved in our own activities, entertainment's, and religious activities, everyone else holds the same right to their won choosing. Until we come together as one untied front, this battle will continue on endlessly.
According to David Bruce and "Hollywood Jesus" there are many interesting connections between the actual cross of Jesus and the Hollywood sign. These connections date back thousands of year to the Druids and their myths. Hollywood derived its name from the evergreen tree. The wood was perceived to be sacred and the tree itself was named after the goddess Holle, which is where the word holy derives from From this tree they made crowns of thorns or wreaths that hung on their doors. This same wreath was used for the crown that Jesus wore at his crucifixion. The thorns represented the pain that Jesus was believed to have felt, and the berries were believed to represent the blood that Jesus lost. The actual cross was believed to have come from the evergreen three and was later referred to as the holy wood. the actual Hollywood sign has been placed upon a hill as was the cross that Jesus was crucified upon. If in fact these beliefs are accurate, then is there any question as to why Christians are particular about the material that is produced by the "Hollywood" industry?
It is believed by these organizations that because of the violent and graphic nature of the films, television shows, music, and books produced by the entertainment industry that there are few options for families left to enjoy. Upon my research I found that the Kaiser Family Foundation and the University of California, 56% of more than 1300 television shows contained sexual content. 12% of the shows implied intercourse and 3% contained actual scenes of intercourse. In prime time (8pm-10pm) 67% of all shows deal with sex. Of television movies, 83% contain sexual content, 8% of entertainment included teens involved in sexual settings and fewer than 10% of shows ever mention the consequences of sexual activity. What does this say to the future of this world? I believe that it sends a false impression to our teens and even younger children that sex is acceptable no matter what, and that nothing bad can come from the act.
Violence is also a major factor in entertainment 28% of children's shows contain four or more acts of violence per episode, according to the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania. The area of violence in the media has been a heated topic of debate in the aftermath of recent school yard massacres.
President Clinton used the issue for his own public relations. According to an article in the August 18, 1999 Washington Post, President Clinton launched an anti-violence campaign targeted at the youth. Bill and Hillary Clinton met with movie producers, television programmers, and media leaders to urge them to look at their products and consider the effects of the violence upon such young impressionable minds. Then, two days after the Littleton tragedy, Clinton addressed a group of young people to discuss the media's link to violence. In an ironic turn of events only a month later, at a $2 million fund-raiser he told major Hollywood contributors, also major Clinton campaign contributors, that there was "no need for finger pointing". What is the message that Clinton is sending out to the nation? Are we more concerned with our children's well-being or financial gain? This act on behalf of the president gives us the obvious answer that we can not rely on our government to raise our families and give them good morals, values, and spiritual influence.
As believed by many, Senator Brownback stated, "When we watch more and more violence, profanity and sleaze, we eventually grow more violent, profane and course." People become desensitized and tragedies and behaviors no longer effect or weigh upon the conscience as they once did. These experiences become more and more "normal" in our daily lives and our reactions to these situations become numb.
I believe that to lay all of the blame on the entertainment industry is absurd. There are many other factors in the downward spiral of our society. Hollywood has produced many products that do contain much controversial subject matter, however, they also produce many products that do deal with religious aspect of some form. However, they are not always the religious aspect of the common faith of Christianity. such shows on television and in the theaters that deal with religious matter are 7th Heaven, Phenomena, Michael, Touch By an Angel, The Apostle, The God Fathers, Charmed, Vampires, and many documentaries dealing with Christian practices, Hindu, Buddhism, Wicca, Vampirism, etc.
not all of these films are accepted, because of the fact they do not deal with Christian values and practice, however, if that was the only religion depicted, then there would be other organizations in an uproar. Instead of devoting our energy to censoring what is coming out of Hollywood, we should first evaluate our own home environments and ask ourselves if we are setting an appropriate example of how we want our children to believe and behave. In order to live in the land of the free, we have to accept that others have different views and beliefs, and taste in entertainment.
All religion is based upon what man thinks about God. Anand-Buchwald said, "one could easily say that all religion is a bad thing, but as with all it is not the thing in itself that is bad, but the use that is made of it the attitude that one takes." I feel that if one does not like the material that is aired on the television or movie theaters, then instead of complaining they should perhaps monitor and not view the programs.
In order to reduce violence, sexual activity, and drug use the adults have to start at home with their own families. We should evaluate our own actions and decide if we are making good, appropriate decision based according to our own spirituality.
The basic guidelines in every religion, such as the ten commandments, are intended to create a basis on which everybody can rely on and maybe over come some bad streaks of character. They should all improve social life. As stated by Anand Buchwalkd in Religion and Violence, "one can not grow by suppressing behaviors and attitudes." I believe that while the guidelines may help to develop a strong basis to grow from that they should be started in the home with the family and not blamed on an industry such as Hollywood, because, they are only producing a product that the public demands. If there were no demand for such films and television shows, music and books, containing violence, sexual intercourse, profanity and other forms of crudeness, then the entertainment industry or "Hollywood" would be forced to produce another type of entertainment . As long as the public is willing to pay for the films that are now produced, then "Hollywood" will continue to generate them at a growing number. If the public were not willing to participate in such activities then "Hollywood" would not be a multi billion dollar industry.
Until we, as a society, learn to hold ourselves accountable for our actions we will lay blame on anything that will allow us to. In order to grow within our own spirituality, I feel that we must seek out the basis of our beliefs and discover what they mean to us. We should not be offended by someone else' form of enjoyment, nor by their chosen faith. As we have the right to become involved in our own activities, entertainment's, and religious activities, everyone else holds the same right to their won choosing. Until we come together as one untied front, this battle will continue on endlessly.
Walking my way to weight loss!
About 2 months ago I decided that my life had become to sedentary and that I needed to get up and get moving in order to loose that pesky 60lbs I have not been happy with!
I am one of those people who enjoy dinner with friends, cooking, and trying new foods and let's just face it...dieting is hard and we end up wanting the things we aren't supposed to be eating even more when we are dieting!
What I started doing was walking!
Before I started I took a picture of myself!
My plan: take periodic pictures throughout the process to track your progress!
If you're like me your schedule varies. I was not always able or willing to walk in the morning as soon as I started my day! I worked a full time job and let's face it: an hour lunch is not long enough to get a good work out and re dress so you can return to work and the gyms were always packed on my lunch hour! So, what I did is I started working my walks into my evening schedules!
Once I returned home at the end of each day, I would prepare dinner, do a few household chores and instead of sitting down on the couch to watch tv I changed into comfortable clothes, leashed up my dog, and off we went around the block for a short little walk!
Walk today!
Day 1 Week 1
I started out by just walking around the block. Short. But you're out there and getting started! I own two Rotties so I took one of them with me! Doing this simple brisk walk, got me up and got me started and when I was finished I knew I could do it!
Keep Walking!!
Walk around the block every day! ( I actually gave myself 2 days a week off but you decide what is right for you) This will help you to build stamina and continues to get you out there!
Don't worry about making other changes in your life, just take a short 15 minutes or so a day and walk around your block. See what's going on in your neighborhood, take the opportunity to visit with your neighbors! It makes you feel good and your energy will increase as you progress!
Week 2
Let's kick it up a step! Add another block to your journey! This should take you about half an hour and if it takes longer so what! You're out there doing it!
Keep doing this and hold yourself accountable. Mark each day on your calendar that you walk! If you miss a day don't be too upset just double your walk the next day or if you are like me and taking two days off a week for rest or other activities, just make it up on another day! Sometimes, a walking partner will help keep us honest and accountable! Find someone who wants to walk with you or make friends with a particular neighbor that you stop and visit with each time you walk! Eventually you will start looking forward to these outings!
On my outings I became friendly with three separate elderly neighbors who I discovered actually looked forward to seeing me each day too! One neighbor enjoyed seeing my dogs each evening and began sitting outside in her yard waiting for the dogs to appear! Another, neighbor I discovered his wife had Alzheimer's and he was her sole care giver. Their children all had grown and moved out of state and he looked forward to visiting for a few minutes each day! Since starting my daily walks, his wife has taken a turn for the worse and has been placed in a nursing home and I often stop and help him with his gardening for a little bit! The third neighbor has began walking on her own schedule but we often stop and visit about our progress when we pass one another's homes!
Week 3
Add some strength training! No, no, no you do not have to go to the gym or even change your routine! I went to the local Wal-Mart and bought a pair of 3lb weights (if you think this might be too much for you buy the 1lb weights).
Carry these with you on your walks. Hold the weights while walking and just your normal arm motions will allow you to begin strength training without even realizing it! Once you are comfortable walking with the weights add some simple arm curls!
By the end of the week the definition in your upper body and the slimming of your lower body will start to show and this alone will help encourage you to keep walking! Your energy and confidence will be increasing and you are off to a great start!
Week 4
Take it up a step and add another block to your walk, if you are feeling really energized try two! At this point you are walking between 1 and 3 miles each day!
Your abs will be getting noticeably flatter and your hips will be slimming! (Just what every girl likes to hear!!!!)
Finally it's time for a little self reflection!
Accepting ourselves as we are and shedding away our own self destructive behaviors are key to implementing permanent changes in our lives. On your walks think about the behaviors you engaged in that helped you to gain the unwanted weight. Make a plan to continue to meet your goals and be a success!
I myself realized that my sedentary lifestyle was a great factor in my weight gain. Growing up and in early adulthood I was always very active. I never watched tv (I didn't even have cable) I was an athlete and played basketball, volleyball, and ran track and once I finished college and started out in the "real world" I worked more at a desk job and had less time for activities. Stress from job increased making me completely exhausted at the end of each day and all I wanted to do was sit and zone out!
I personally changed jobs! I bought the dvr package for my television provider and stopped watching my favorite shows on the providers schedule and now watch them when I want to! I stopped sitting on my couch so much and got out more, I went to local book stores, coffee houses, city park, etc. Anything that would keep me from just sitting at my house!
FINISH HIGH!
Week 5 & 6
Without putting too much pressure on yourself kick it up another notch! Don't over do it, make it comfortable for yourself - simply add another block or two - whatever you feel you are up to! You will be amazed as the miles pile up and your waistline and hips get smaller! You will laugh at the person you were four weeks ago who didn't even think they would be able to make it around the block comfortably!
TAKE A PICTURE! Compare it to the first one you took! NOTICE the difference!
Be proud of your accomplishment!
NOW, for the best part! REWARD yourself! Never work hard without rewarding yourself for your accomplishments! You made a commitment to yourself and your health and you deserve a reward!
My reward: I went out to dinner with friends! We drove to Granbury and went to a little sushi restaurant a friend had introduced me to and we ate, laughed, and drank and had a great evening!
Now, the most important part...........DON'T STOP HERE!!!! Keep the process up!
I have been walking for about 8 weeks now and I am glad to say that I have lost about 15lbs. My clothes fit better, I feel better, and I have more energy to do all the things in life I wanted to do but just didn't have time, or felt too tired to do before!
Let me know how this works for you! We can be work out partners!
I am one of those people who enjoy dinner with friends, cooking, and trying new foods and let's just face it...dieting is hard and we end up wanting the things we aren't supposed to be eating even more when we are dieting!
What I started doing was walking!
Before I started I took a picture of myself!
My plan: take periodic pictures throughout the process to track your progress!
If you're like me your schedule varies. I was not always able or willing to walk in the morning as soon as I started my day! I worked a full time job and let's face it: an hour lunch is not long enough to get a good work out and re dress so you can return to work and the gyms were always packed on my lunch hour! So, what I did is I started working my walks into my evening schedules!
Once I returned home at the end of each day, I would prepare dinner, do a few household chores and instead of sitting down on the couch to watch tv I changed into comfortable clothes, leashed up my dog, and off we went around the block for a short little walk!
Walk today!
Day 1 Week 1
I started out by just walking around the block. Short. But you're out there and getting started! I own two Rotties so I took one of them with me! Doing this simple brisk walk, got me up and got me started and when I was finished I knew I could do it!
Keep Walking!!
Walk around the block every day! ( I actually gave myself 2 days a week off but you decide what is right for you) This will help you to build stamina and continues to get you out there!
Don't worry about making other changes in your life, just take a short 15 minutes or so a day and walk around your block. See what's going on in your neighborhood, take the opportunity to visit with your neighbors! It makes you feel good and your energy will increase as you progress!
Week 2
Let's kick it up a step! Add another block to your journey! This should take you about half an hour and if it takes longer so what! You're out there doing it!
Keep doing this and hold yourself accountable. Mark each day on your calendar that you walk! If you miss a day don't be too upset just double your walk the next day or if you are like me and taking two days off a week for rest or other activities, just make it up on another day! Sometimes, a walking partner will help keep us honest and accountable! Find someone who wants to walk with you or make friends with a particular neighbor that you stop and visit with each time you walk! Eventually you will start looking forward to these outings!
On my outings I became friendly with three separate elderly neighbors who I discovered actually looked forward to seeing me each day too! One neighbor enjoyed seeing my dogs each evening and began sitting outside in her yard waiting for the dogs to appear! Another, neighbor I discovered his wife had Alzheimer's and he was her sole care giver. Their children all had grown and moved out of state and he looked forward to visiting for a few minutes each day! Since starting my daily walks, his wife has taken a turn for the worse and has been placed in a nursing home and I often stop and help him with his gardening for a little bit! The third neighbor has began walking on her own schedule but we often stop and visit about our progress when we pass one another's homes!
Week 3
Add some strength training! No, no, no you do not have to go to the gym or even change your routine! I went to the local Wal-Mart and bought a pair of 3lb weights (if you think this might be too much for you buy the 1lb weights).
Carry these with you on your walks. Hold the weights while walking and just your normal arm motions will allow you to begin strength training without even realizing it! Once you are comfortable walking with the weights add some simple arm curls!
By the end of the week the definition in your upper body and the slimming of your lower body will start to show and this alone will help encourage you to keep walking! Your energy and confidence will be increasing and you are off to a great start!
Week 4
Take it up a step and add another block to your walk, if you are feeling really energized try two! At this point you are walking between 1 and 3 miles each day!
Your abs will be getting noticeably flatter and your hips will be slimming! (Just what every girl likes to hear!!!!)
Finally it's time for a little self reflection!
Accepting ourselves as we are and shedding away our own self destructive behaviors are key to implementing permanent changes in our lives. On your walks think about the behaviors you engaged in that helped you to gain the unwanted weight. Make a plan to continue to meet your goals and be a success!
I myself realized that my sedentary lifestyle was a great factor in my weight gain. Growing up and in early adulthood I was always very active. I never watched tv (I didn't even have cable) I was an athlete and played basketball, volleyball, and ran track and once I finished college and started out in the "real world" I worked more at a desk job and had less time for activities. Stress from job increased making me completely exhausted at the end of each day and all I wanted to do was sit and zone out!
I personally changed jobs! I bought the dvr package for my television provider and stopped watching my favorite shows on the providers schedule and now watch them when I want to! I stopped sitting on my couch so much and got out more, I went to local book stores, coffee houses, city park, etc. Anything that would keep me from just sitting at my house!
FINISH HIGH!
Week 5 & 6
Without putting too much pressure on yourself kick it up another notch! Don't over do it, make it comfortable for yourself - simply add another block or two - whatever you feel you are up to! You will be amazed as the miles pile up and your waistline and hips get smaller! You will laugh at the person you were four weeks ago who didn't even think they would be able to make it around the block comfortably!
TAKE A PICTURE! Compare it to the first one you took! NOTICE the difference!
Be proud of your accomplishment!
NOW, for the best part! REWARD yourself! Never work hard without rewarding yourself for your accomplishments! You made a commitment to yourself and your health and you deserve a reward!
My reward: I went out to dinner with friends! We drove to Granbury and went to a little sushi restaurant a friend had introduced me to and we ate, laughed, and drank and had a great evening!
Now, the most important part...........DON'T STOP HERE!!!! Keep the process up!
I have been walking for about 8 weeks now and I am glad to say that I have lost about 15lbs. My clothes fit better, I feel better, and I have more energy to do all the things in life I wanted to do but just didn't have time, or felt too tired to do before!
Let me know how this works for you! We can be work out partners!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb:'When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit fromit, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.
Letting go ......................continued
I threw on my house coat and stepped out into the hallway to see a woman standing at the dining table going through our mail.........how strange.........who breaks into someone's house just to go through their mail!?????
I asked this woman who she was and what was she doing in my house. She said, I'm Debbie. Well, who the hell was Debbie? This meant nothing to me. I told her to put our mail down and get out of our house. She did. Hmmm what the hell was that all about?????
I locked the front door and realized.......this woman had a key to the house........
Later that night my dad shows up and asks me what I think of her. I tell him I don't know what to think about a woman who walks into a house where the people inside have no idea who she is and then she just riffles through things like she belongs there. He said, "well what would you think if we got married?" I told him, I hoped he would wait until we were out of school. He said no, they were getting married and we would be moving in with her at her house. I told him I would rather die and walked out.
Here he was again, marrying another person who he didn't know for very long, making decisions about our lives without even discussing things with us. He didn't care about what I thought he was hoping I would say, "great dad!" He was going to do what he wanted to do no matter what I thought! This just proved to me yet again he didn't care about me.
They married and I moved in, but I wasn't a part of anything. I continued to "work", played my sports, went to school, and stayed away from the house as much as I could. Debbie tried to include me as part of the family, but I wasn't having any part of it and I made it very clear to her. Hell, I was 15 years old and I didn't need a family.........I had done just fine without one so far! He had waited too long to try and be the happy family........he should have thought about that along time ago!
We ended up in court and I was emanicpated. I moved out on my own and made some horrible decisions and experienced some horrible situations because of being so young and out on my own. People used me, I used them, I made mistakes, decisions I would never had made if I were alittle bit older and wiser. I was spiraling out of control and it was all based on the loss of my mother, the abuse I suffered, the neglect and abandonment of my father and it just seem to get worse and worse.
All along I just wanted to be someone's little girl. I just wanted to belong. After many years of being my own abuser and making self destructive decisions I finally realized that he was never going to be who I wanted him to be. My dad didn't understand what he had done and how his actions had effected my life. In 1996 I decided I needed to move away to start over and get away from the people and the life I had been living. I knew I needed to start treating myself better and the only way I was going to make a clean break was to leave.
One day I packed up all my belongings, I quite my job (yes I eventually got a real job but I still did other things on the side) and I left. I wanted to be close enough to my niece to visit her and I wanted to be close enough to my siblings to still have relationships with them, but I had to leave. I had to get away, I had to start over or I feared that I would not be around much longer. My life was quickly spiraling out of control and if I continued on this path I would not survive much longer.........
I asked this woman who she was and what was she doing in my house. She said, I'm Debbie. Well, who the hell was Debbie? This meant nothing to me. I told her to put our mail down and get out of our house. She did. Hmmm what the hell was that all about?????
I locked the front door and realized.......this woman had a key to the house........
Later that night my dad shows up and asks me what I think of her. I tell him I don't know what to think about a woman who walks into a house where the people inside have no idea who she is and then she just riffles through things like she belongs there. He said, "well what would you think if we got married?" I told him, I hoped he would wait until we were out of school. He said no, they were getting married and we would be moving in with her at her house. I told him I would rather die and walked out.
Here he was again, marrying another person who he didn't know for very long, making decisions about our lives without even discussing things with us. He didn't care about what I thought he was hoping I would say, "great dad!" He was going to do what he wanted to do no matter what I thought! This just proved to me yet again he didn't care about me.
They married and I moved in, but I wasn't a part of anything. I continued to "work", played my sports, went to school, and stayed away from the house as much as I could. Debbie tried to include me as part of the family, but I wasn't having any part of it and I made it very clear to her. Hell, I was 15 years old and I didn't need a family.........I had done just fine without one so far! He had waited too long to try and be the happy family........he should have thought about that along time ago!
We ended up in court and I was emanicpated. I moved out on my own and made some horrible decisions and experienced some horrible situations because of being so young and out on my own. People used me, I used them, I made mistakes, decisions I would never had made if I were alittle bit older and wiser. I was spiraling out of control and it was all based on the loss of my mother, the abuse I suffered, the neglect and abandonment of my father and it just seem to get worse and worse.
All along I just wanted to be someone's little girl. I just wanted to belong. After many years of being my own abuser and making self destructive decisions I finally realized that he was never going to be who I wanted him to be. My dad didn't understand what he had done and how his actions had effected my life. In 1996 I decided I needed to move away to start over and get away from the people and the life I had been living. I knew I needed to start treating myself better and the only way I was going to make a clean break was to leave.
One day I packed up all my belongings, I quite my job (yes I eventually got a real job but I still did other things on the side) and I left. I wanted to be close enough to my niece to visit her and I wanted to be close enough to my siblings to still have relationships with them, but I had to leave. I had to get away, I had to start over or I feared that I would not be around much longer. My life was quickly spiraling out of control and if I continued on this path I would not survive much longer.........
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Letting go.........theaputic writing
From the moment my dad and Jamie picked me up to move in with them after my mother passed away I felt like I was a misfit. I felt like I was being punished but I had no idea what I had done to be in trouble for. When the family went on outings I was often left behind. Why wasn't I allowed to go? Wasn't I part of the family? If I was allowed to go along I was often sent to another room....why wasn't I allowed to play with the other kids? When we were home I was sent to my room, not allowed to sit in the living room and hang out with my sisters and brother. I was always made to clean the kitchen, dust, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, I felt like I had no purpose except to do chores and when I wasn't doing chores I had to be in my room.....I just didn't understand why. What had I done that was so terrible? I heard Jamie telling people that I was grounded but I had no idea what I had done to be grounded all the time.....
Jamie often told me she didn't want me there. She told me my father didn't want me there and that there was no room in their family for me. She told me they were going to send me away if I wasn't good so I did everything I could to be good. I did all the chores she asked me to do but no matter how hard I tried I was always grounded to my room. Chores and room, chores and room.......I was sick and tired of sitting in my room.
I watched my dad go to work and come home and sit in his chair and watch tv. I watched him play with Amanda and Phillip and Christina and wondered why he didn't want to play with me.. I didn't understand.......why didn't he love me too? I was his daughter too!
A couple of years went by and I grew accustomed to being isolated. I even began to enjoy it. I sat in my room and read books day and night. If I was allowed outside I would take a book and sit for hours reading. I remember one time a neighbor from across the street saw me sitting in the front yard reading my book and he walked over and talked to me. I thought he was nice, I saw him outside with his little girl all the time playing with her, helping her ride her bike and sometimes I even wished he was my dad playing with me. I told him I was reading The Secret Garden....I imagined I was lost in my own little place where Jamie couldn't find me and I wasn't grounded.
Soon, things started to change around the house. Jamie went out alot at night. I wasn't grounded anymore but I had to babysit Amanda and Phillip all the time. When dad got home I would go down the street to Shannon's or Michael's and we would wonder around in the fields in Camp Bowie. I was finally free! I had friends, a place to go somewhere I didn't feel bad all of the time. Then it started. Jamie and dad were fighting all the time. Jamie was staying out longer and longer. She was almost never home anymore and when she was she would say horrible terrible things. She soon moved into my room which meant I had no where to sleep at night. I slept on the couch. Then one day I came home from school and she was gone. Most of the furniture was gone. The cabinets were almost empty. What was happening? Where did all of out stuff go? Dad came home that night and said Jamie had moved out. Then he left. I went down to Michael's and told him what had happened.
For the next few months it was strange. Dad worked alot. He came home and sat in his chair and watched tv. Christina moved in with Jamie. I never saw her. I was spending alot of time at Michael's and Shannon's because I didn't want to be at the house alone, besides their mothers made dinner and I was hungry. I didn't eat breakfast and never had money for lunch so by the time dinner rolled around I was starving and since we didn't have groceries in the house and no one was ever there it made sense to eat at friends houses. Then I started to notice that dad wasn't there in the evenings either. Where was he going? What was he doing? Why was I all alone? I decided to go see what was going on over at Jamie's with Christina, Amanda, and Phillip. I walked across town to Jamie's apartment. I knocked on the door and she answered. She told me I couldn't be there because I wasn't her daughter. What? Then why was Christina there? She wasn't her daughter either! I left feeling so hurt. Where was everyone going off to and why wasn't I allowed to be a part of anything?
I decided I didn't care. I would be fine on my own! I didn't need anyone! I was 14, I was almost old enough to get a job, I could babysit, I would find things to do! I started babysitting kids in the neighborhood, and they would tell their friends and there were times when I would end up with 10 kids a night on a weekend! Wow!! That was work, but it paid for food! I started hating being home alone so I would walk from one end of town to another to go to friends houses or parties, or whatever friends were doing at that time. No big deal! This was working! I was doing ok!
I started meeting people who were older than me. This was cool! They called me, and came by and picked me up! This was awesome! I finally felt like people wanted me around! Then they introduced me to other ways of making money that wasn't so hard, I still had plenty of time to hang out with friends, and no more babysitting! Just because it wasn't legal didn't mean anything! Hell, I was 14 what did I know?
Then things started changing again. For some reason Christina was staying at the house again. Still didn't know why dad wasn't there or if he was there or where he was when he wasn't there, but I really didn't care. I was going on with my life! Then dad disappeared all together. Hmmm...oh well. Things were moving fast! Life was exciting! Between school, and friends I forgot about feeling like no one loved me!
Then one morning I woke up because I heard a noise in the living room. What was that? Who was there?
Jamie often told me she didn't want me there. She told me my father didn't want me there and that there was no room in their family for me. She told me they were going to send me away if I wasn't good so I did everything I could to be good. I did all the chores she asked me to do but no matter how hard I tried I was always grounded to my room. Chores and room, chores and room.......I was sick and tired of sitting in my room.
I watched my dad go to work and come home and sit in his chair and watch tv. I watched him play with Amanda and Phillip and Christina and wondered why he didn't want to play with me.. I didn't understand.......why didn't he love me too? I was his daughter too!
A couple of years went by and I grew accustomed to being isolated. I even began to enjoy it. I sat in my room and read books day and night. If I was allowed outside I would take a book and sit for hours reading. I remember one time a neighbor from across the street saw me sitting in the front yard reading my book and he walked over and talked to me. I thought he was nice, I saw him outside with his little girl all the time playing with her, helping her ride her bike and sometimes I even wished he was my dad playing with me. I told him I was reading The Secret Garden....I imagined I was lost in my own little place where Jamie couldn't find me and I wasn't grounded.
Soon, things started to change around the house. Jamie went out alot at night. I wasn't grounded anymore but I had to babysit Amanda and Phillip all the time. When dad got home I would go down the street to Shannon's or Michael's and we would wonder around in the fields in Camp Bowie. I was finally free! I had friends, a place to go somewhere I didn't feel bad all of the time. Then it started. Jamie and dad were fighting all the time. Jamie was staying out longer and longer. She was almost never home anymore and when she was she would say horrible terrible things. She soon moved into my room which meant I had no where to sleep at night. I slept on the couch. Then one day I came home from school and she was gone. Most of the furniture was gone. The cabinets were almost empty. What was happening? Where did all of out stuff go? Dad came home that night and said Jamie had moved out. Then he left. I went down to Michael's and told him what had happened.
For the next few months it was strange. Dad worked alot. He came home and sat in his chair and watched tv. Christina moved in with Jamie. I never saw her. I was spending alot of time at Michael's and Shannon's because I didn't want to be at the house alone, besides their mothers made dinner and I was hungry. I didn't eat breakfast and never had money for lunch so by the time dinner rolled around I was starving and since we didn't have groceries in the house and no one was ever there it made sense to eat at friends houses. Then I started to notice that dad wasn't there in the evenings either. Where was he going? What was he doing? Why was I all alone? I decided to go see what was going on over at Jamie's with Christina, Amanda, and Phillip. I walked across town to Jamie's apartment. I knocked on the door and she answered. She told me I couldn't be there because I wasn't her daughter. What? Then why was Christina there? She wasn't her daughter either! I left feeling so hurt. Where was everyone going off to and why wasn't I allowed to be a part of anything?
I decided I didn't care. I would be fine on my own! I didn't need anyone! I was 14, I was almost old enough to get a job, I could babysit, I would find things to do! I started babysitting kids in the neighborhood, and they would tell their friends and there were times when I would end up with 10 kids a night on a weekend! Wow!! That was work, but it paid for food! I started hating being home alone so I would walk from one end of town to another to go to friends houses or parties, or whatever friends were doing at that time. No big deal! This was working! I was doing ok!
I started meeting people who were older than me. This was cool! They called me, and came by and picked me up! This was awesome! I finally felt like people wanted me around! Then they introduced me to other ways of making money that wasn't so hard, I still had plenty of time to hang out with friends, and no more babysitting! Just because it wasn't legal didn't mean anything! Hell, I was 14 what did I know?
Then things started changing again. For some reason Christina was staying at the house again. Still didn't know why dad wasn't there or if he was there or where he was when he wasn't there, but I really didn't care. I was going on with my life! Then dad disappeared all together. Hmmm...oh well. Things were moving fast! Life was exciting! Between school, and friends I forgot about feeling like no one loved me!
Then one morning I woke up because I heard a noise in the living room. What was that? Who was there?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
For my entire life one of the things I have always wanted was to belong, to be someone's little girl and most of all, to matter!
I have few memories from my child hood and the ones that I do have are not that great. I spent most of my teenage years and early 20's engaged in self destructive behaviors because I didn't know who I was, where I came from, where I belonged and felt like no one wanted or loved me. This effected me in ways that can never be repaired. I made decisions based on these feelings. I engaged in behaviors based on these feelings and sense of loss that I can not go back and undo.
As a small child I was always so confused about my home life. I have no memory of my father and mother ever living together. I lived with my mother, her friend Linda and Linda's husband Gary. They had a son Scott that was a year younger than me. I know for a short period we lived in Washington state. My dad and my older sister lived in Texas, as far as I can remember.
I have a flash of a memory of Linda holding my head under the bathtub faucet washing my hair and the water being so hot that it was burning my scalp. I remember that the neighbors called the police. I think that was in Washington.
I remember my mother and I living in Austin Texas. I remember us living in Louisanna, spending time in Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, California, and returning to Texas before she died in 1987.
I remember though all of these places we traveled and lived that I never felt safe. I remember feeling like I was watching myself in my own life half of the time. I remember feeling like I wasn't a part of things. I remember feeling like I was kept apart from the others. I remember Linda hitting me and screaming at me and saying horrible, hurtful things to me. I remember Gary creeping into my room each night and all I wanted to do was disappear so I pretended it wasn't me. I remember feeling like the only place I belonged was beside my mother who half of the time was fighting for her life battling cancer and at the same time I remember not wanting to tell her what Linda and Gary were doing to me because she was so sick. I just wanted her to get better so the abuse would stop.
When my mother finally passed away in 1987 I was 10 years old. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as well as an overwhelming sense of loss. I was relieved that my dad was going to come in and rescue me - take me away from these people who were trying to destroy me! I felt so sad because I no longer had my mother.
My dad and his second wife, Jamie arrived to take me away. They were going to take me away and make life better or at least that's what a naive 10 year old thought!
I have few memories from my child hood and the ones that I do have are not that great. I spent most of my teenage years and early 20's engaged in self destructive behaviors because I didn't know who I was, where I came from, where I belonged and felt like no one wanted or loved me. This effected me in ways that can never be repaired. I made decisions based on these feelings. I engaged in behaviors based on these feelings and sense of loss that I can not go back and undo.
As a small child I was always so confused about my home life. I have no memory of my father and mother ever living together. I lived with my mother, her friend Linda and Linda's husband Gary. They had a son Scott that was a year younger than me. I know for a short period we lived in Washington state. My dad and my older sister lived in Texas, as far as I can remember.
I have a flash of a memory of Linda holding my head under the bathtub faucet washing my hair and the water being so hot that it was burning my scalp. I remember that the neighbors called the police. I think that was in Washington.
I remember my mother and I living in Austin Texas. I remember us living in Louisanna, spending time in Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, California, and returning to Texas before she died in 1987.
I remember though all of these places we traveled and lived that I never felt safe. I remember feeling like I was watching myself in my own life half of the time. I remember feeling like I wasn't a part of things. I remember feeling like I was kept apart from the others. I remember Linda hitting me and screaming at me and saying horrible, hurtful things to me. I remember Gary creeping into my room each night and all I wanted to do was disappear so I pretended it wasn't me. I remember feeling like the only place I belonged was beside my mother who half of the time was fighting for her life battling cancer and at the same time I remember not wanting to tell her what Linda and Gary were doing to me because she was so sick. I just wanted her to get better so the abuse would stop.
When my mother finally passed away in 1987 I was 10 years old. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as well as an overwhelming sense of loss. I was relieved that my dad was going to come in and rescue me - take me away from these people who were trying to destroy me! I felt so sad because I no longer had my mother.
My dad and his second wife, Jamie arrived to take me away. They were going to take me away and make life better or at least that's what a naive 10 year old thought!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Everyone has something in common. We have all loved and lost. I have been sitting here myself wondering will I ever be ready to love to again? What do we want in relationships? Can an older woman/younger man really work? Is sex important? How important? How much time should we spend together? Do we spend too much time together? Do we mix our money? Do we keep our finances seperate? Do we have to go to eachother's families on holidays? Should my partner help out around the house? Is there such thing as mens work and womans work? Am I too independant? How do you make your partner feel needed when you really don't need them in a physical sense? How can he meet my emotional needs? Why is his idea of a relationship sound like a fairy tale story? Is that reality or am I just all screwed up?
These are all very interesting questions that I hear from my friends all the time. I think I will ponder these questions and see what answers I come up with myself.
These are all very interesting questions that I hear from my friends all the time. I think I will ponder these questions and see what answers I come up with myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
