For my entire life one of the things I have always wanted was to belong, to be someone's little girl and most of all, to matter!

I have few memories from my child hood and the ones that I do have are not that great. I spent most of my teenage years and early 20's engaged in self destructive behaviors because I didn't know who I was, where I came from, where I belonged and felt like no one wanted or loved me. This effected me in ways that can never be repaired. I made decisions based on these feelings. I engaged in behaviors based on these feelings and sense of loss that I can not go back and undo.

As a small child I was always so confused about my home life. I have no memory of my father and mother ever living together. I lived with my mother, her friend Linda and Linda's husband Gary. They had a son Scott that was a year younger than me. I know for a short period we lived in Washington state. My dad and my older sister lived in Texas, as far as I can remember.
I have a flash of a memory of Linda holding my head under the bathtub faucet washing my hair and the water being so hot that it was burning my scalp. I remember that the neighbors called the police. I think that was in Washington.

I remember my mother and I living in Austin Texas. I remember us living in Louisanna, spending time in Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, California, and returning to Texas before she died in 1987.

I remember though all of these places we traveled and lived that I never felt safe. I remember feeling like I was watching myself in my own life half of the time. I remember feeling like I wasn't a part of things. I remember feeling like I was kept apart from the others. I remember Linda hitting me and screaming at me and saying horrible, hurtful things to me. I remember Gary creeping into my room each night and all I wanted to do was disappear so I pretended it wasn't me. I remember feeling like the only place I belonged was beside my mother who half of the time was fighting for her life battling cancer and at the same time I remember not wanting to tell her what Linda and Gary were doing to me because she was so sick. I just wanted her to get better so the abuse would stop.

When my mother finally passed away in 1987 I was 10 years old. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as well as an overwhelming sense of loss. I was relieved that my dad was going to come in and rescue me - take me away from these people who were trying to destroy me! I felt so sad because I no longer had my mother.

My dad and his second wife, Jamie arrived to take me away. They were going to take me away and make life better or at least that's what a naive 10 year old thought!