Another Chapter Closes

All day yesterday I was restless. 2009 had been a very long difficult year with many successes as well as many disappointments. I wanted to share the evening with someone and just not be alone.

I called friends and family to find out what they were doing to bring in the new year. I wasn't really interested in "partying" or being on the road for a long period of time but I didn't want to be alone, again this year on New Year's Eve. However, nothing happened. My best friend was fighting with her husband, my sister was spending it with her in laws, and I left messages for other friends but nothing was returned. All of this just reminded me of the fact that when I need friends there are none to be found, but the minute any of them want something from me, they don't hesitate to call and of course because I am a good friend and know what it's like to need someone and no one be there, I have always made myself available in the past.

The more the day passed, the more I realized, I am going to be alone, again. Fine. I put on my pj's, got my books, and curled up on the couch for a quiet night with my NaKoda. Even though I have kept up with taking of my antidepressants, the depression began to settle in when I realized it was after midnight the only contact I received was from my sister. At midnight she sent me a text message that said, "Happy New Year". That was nice. At least I knew my sister was thinking of me. If I had told her I didn't want to be alone she would have insisted I drive to Brownwood and spend the night with them, but of course I could not do that because my dog is an inside dog and she would not allow her in her house. Besides the fact that I don't have the gas money to drive there because I am trying to save up the money to put down on a new house there (hopefully) and I was just hit with the fact that I have to have foundation repairs done on my current residence.

But I digress, as I laid in bed reading my mind kept wandering back to the fact that I haven't been asked out on a date in about a year. I haven't even been asked out by friends in about the same amount of time, because I no longer desire to sit at the bars drinking over priced drinks and watch people get intoxicated. I passed the bar scene up years ago. Then I began to think about an email I had been exchanging with an old high school male friend for the past week or so, in which he and I had recently been discussing this same thing. I realized that because of the fact that there is nothing to do but go to the bars in my current area that I really did not have any options of meeting new people because of the fact that all my friends are married and no longer go out and the ones that do just sit belly up to the bars when they do go out.

Eventually, I decided to go ahead and take some sleeping pills because it was obvious my brain was not going to turn off enough to let me fall asleep.

This morning I woke up and didn't even have the desire to get out of bed, so I didn't. I stayed there until I couldn't stand to lay there any longer and got out of bed around noon. Then I thought, ok I am not going to sit here and be sad, I am going to get out. I am going to go do something, but what? I didn't have money to be throwing away. So, again I decided my only option would be to figure out something to do locally, but what? I didn't want to walk around stores aimlessly since there was nothing I needed locally and all I really want to do is hang out. It just made me realize once again how nice it would be to have someone to just hang out with....but the longer I am single the more I wonder if I will ever find that great love, friend, companion ever again to share my life with.

Deciding where to live..........

1. Understand what really matters

"Place is as important as having a job that challenges you, but not as important as relationships with family and friends." Richard Florida, professor at George Mason University and author of The Rise of the Creative Class

My personal work can be done from anywhere as long as I have access to high speed internet and a telephone.

2. Leave room for career flexibility

In my field I can pretty much find work anywhere. The problem is the interests in where I decide to locate. Will I have easy access to major cities for entertainment? Will cost of living be affordable? Where are my family and friends?

3. Don't relocate away from a spouse or significant other.

Since I am currently single without prospects this doesn't really matter to me but are there possibilities in any location?

I came across a question in my research, "think of a moment in my childhood that was really nice."

So I thought of a time: Well, sort of it was in my teenage years. It was in a place called Junction where time seemed to stand still. Open country, flowers, friendly people, rivers to swim in, pastures to wonder through for hours. Wildlife. Clear skies.

What you remember as really nice tells you something about where you belong. Whatever you thought of, learn something from this.

Where I belong is in nature. And in quiet. I can see my whole life as the process of coming to grips with the fact that I am not as fast and cool and cutting edge as I wish I were. I do not belong in a city. I belong in a small town at the most but would love to find a place in the country.

It’s scary to want things in life, mainly because we don't always know if we are going to get them, but I guess I need to keep these things in mind while I am trying to decide exactly where it is that I want to live.

Someone who has never left my mind after 14 years

When I was just 18 years old I met a guy, Michael. I met him through a guy I was dating at the time. We became very good friends and talked all the time. As the relationship I was in began to end there were a couple of nights that something could have happened between us but I was drunk and Michael was too much of a gentleman. Time passed and I moved away to Stephenville. More time passed and we talked when I went back home to visit. He started a relationship and I started a relationship and eventually married. More time passed but we apparently never forgot one another.

About 4 years ago when Michael learned I was single again he showed up in Stephenville. We talked and spent time together but after he left I never heard from him again and life got busy as it usually does and I moved on. Then a couple of months ago while I was in Brownwood I decided to stop by and see him. He was so happy to see me. We talked for a few hours and he ended up telling me he still had feelings for me - however, he was in a relationship and had been for quite some time (she was currently out of town). Once again the timing was all wrong for us!

I think about him all the time. He's tall, attractive, hard working, down to earth, simple. He would support me and care for me. He's a nice guy. I can't get him out of my head. He's always been there in the background of my mind. Have we missed our chance? What if he was the one? What if I let him get away all those years ago when I moved away? I have been thinking of writing him a letter (who writes letters any more?) but I don't know if I should. If I never tell him how I feel will I regret it? If I let him know how I feel would it make a difference?

so many questions and no answers. Sometimes I wish I could bounce these questions off of someone but I never talk to anyone about them - no one in my life knows about him (well Karen knows I have a friend that lives down the way from her and Robin knows about him but not how I feel)..............

Love and relationships

As the holidays approach and the another year nears an end I think about my love life. When will it be my time? When will I find love? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

We see all these movies where people find these loves that they can not live without. Loves that consume them, that are so passionate that one would die without the other and the thought of this kind of love only depresses me because it is something I have never known.

There is not a guy that sits waiting for me. There is not a guy that longs to see my face, hold my hand and spend his life with me. There is no one to talk with, to share interests with, to spend long nights learning about one another, reading, listening to music, enjoying a walk, have a nice meal with, cook with or anything else. Sometimes I tell myself there is someone out there and he is just trying to get the courage up to speak to me, but that's not true either. If he was the right guy for me, he would have no problem speaking up.

It all just makes me very sad. There is nothing I would like more than to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, to take walks with, to see movies with, to cook for, to read to, to sit with, or any other wonderful activities we could think of.

A door closed..........does anyone see a window?

For the past couple of months I have been looking and hoping I would be able to purchase a house in Gordon. The house is across the street from my best friend. She's considering divorce and it would have been perfect. I would have been around to help her with her son, I would have been closer to my friend, and the community would have been more cost effective for my personal situation. However, after being on the market for the past year, it suddenly started showing after I looked at it. Then Friday evening a couple closed on the house and to make it worse, they aren't even going to be living in it, they bought it as a rental property! So, yet another door slammed shut for me.

Now, my house is still on the market and I have no intention of taking it off but since there are no other affordable properties in the Gordon area I am at a loss of where I would want to move to. Out of mere depression I have been playing with the idea of up and leaving the country and moving to Tuscany! Getting away from everything and everyone I know and starting life over in a new place but I know at this point in my life it's not a realistic plan. This leads me back to the same question: Where do I want to go?

Karen asked me if I would consider moving home to Brownwood and while I have looked at homes in Brownwood I don't know if I want to move back. It would put me closer to my niece and my sister and my little brother and his new wife and baby and I could touch base with some old friends that still live there, but then I would also be back in the same town as my biological father and still not wanting much contact with him.

Then I have also considered Eastland, Ranger, but I don't know if that's really where I want to be either. It would be nice to have some feedback from my friends in those areas to help me make my decision but I know this is my decision and I have to make it on my own.

Cheotherapy starts tomorrow

Karen's chemo starts tomorrow and I have sent her the Twilight Saga to keep her busy during her appointments and I have been trying to remain positive that everything is going to be fine and it's not going to be like it was 20 years ago with my mother but sometimes that is easier said than done.

Sometimes it is very difficult to realize that if something happens to Karen then I am alone. Karen is my family and without her I would have no where to go at holidays, no one to love me and I don't know how I would handle that.

Karen seems hopeful even if only for my benefit so I am going to try and listen to her and hope for the best.

Chemotherapy flashbacks

Well, today is Karen's consultation appointment to decide what form of treatment the doctor's think will be best to attach and destroy the remaining abnormal cancer cells in her body.

I have to admit that this has me flashing back to the chemotherapy that my mother engaged in prior to her death. I fear that I am going to lose another mother figure and there's nothing I can do to change or prevent this or make things better. I am helpless and it's all out of my hands.

I try to keep positive thoughts and I tease Karen that if she loses her hair we will buy her crazy wigs and we both laugh but the reality is that it's out of my control and I have no one I can just break down and pour all my fears out to because she is the person I would normally do that with.

It's always greener on the other side of the fence

Lately, my friend and I have been discussing how we have changed and how our lives have changed as we grow older. Remember the days when you could barely make ends meet, but somehow you always seemed to have money to go out with friends? Remember the days when you would stay up all night hanging out with friends and then go to class and work the next day? Remember the days when you had so many people that you always had something to do and were rarely at home unless your residence was the party location?

It seems as we have grown older we have weeded out friends and have only a handful now of people we can really count on, connect with and have a bond with. It seems that we would rather sit at home and read a good book or two or four instead of go out clubbing.

Not that there's anything wrong with the women we have become. We've decided we are pretty ok in our own skin, even if the men we married turned out not to be!

However, lately we have been reading books with these characters of men who would move heaven and earth to save their wives/girlfriends, they would endanger their own lives to protect them, they talk quietly in sexy voices and say all the right things, they listen to the women in the stories, they hang on to every word they embrace them and hold them in such a way that you the reader can almost feel the heat and passion between the characters and we continue to ask ourselves do men ever really act like this? Where is the man that feels as if his world would end if we were not in it? Where is the man that would heaven and earth to protect us? Does this man really exist, or are they all lazy, sloppy, momma's boys just wanting someone to cook for them, clean up after them, work a full time job, be a super mom, and still have time to be the "whore" in the bedroom with little emotional or mental stimulation and just be able to turn it on like the flip of a switch?

Cold Weather Moves In

Well, I guess it's that time of year when the winds start to blow and we bundle up in blankets and snuggle up to try and stay warm. I don't think I am actually ready for this yet. I want it to stay warm longer, at least until my house sells! I think it would make things so much easier if the weather was nice and the plants were still in bloom.

I keep telling myself that things are going to work out but every day my house stays on the market is a day closer to me losing the house I want to be buy! It's perfect for me, in the perfect location, has perfect out buildings that I could turn into a gardening room, work room, laundry room, storage and of course a garage to park my truck in to protect it from hail damage and tree sap! I can even see opening the kitchen up for a more open feel and view of the office and living area and I can see the decorating I would do on this house.

The house is located across the street from my best friend and this would make it easy for me to help her with her son and when we want to socialize. She says she's going to be speaking to an attorney this week to start divorce and custody proceedings so it would be perfect timing too if my house sold now!

Spilling Over

Do you ever feel like there's so much raining down on you that you have so much frustration and anxiety built up that you feel like you are physically spilling over at the seems?

When most people feel this way they turn to their friends and family. These people are supposed to be the ones that love us the most, lift us up when we are down, comfort and nurture us and provide us with a soft place to fall. However, in my life, there have been few people like that in my life. Because of the attacks I suffered throughout my childhood and young adult years I grew very jaded and unable to trust and this makes it difficult for me to create and maintain lasting bonds.

I have been blessed enough to have built a lasting relationship with a mother figure, Karen, a best friend/sister Robin, and a somewhat strained relationship with my older sister. However, sometimes I feel like I don't have good things to share often enough with them and I don't want to just dump all my stresses on them so I bottle it up until it just starts spilling over.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to open up and let people in but in the past when I have opened up and tried to form friendships they seem to fake. All they want to do is sit at the local bar and pay for over priced drinks or sit up all night drinking in someone's house. I don't know if anything is wrong with that but some reason in my life I just want to have a slower paced, more relaxed existance and build friendships based on more than sitting up drunk all night.

I don't know what this all means or if it means anything at all I just know that sometimes it helps me to write about it.

Is anyone ever really happy?

Holding it all together is not the easiest task. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and I think that no one will ever reach out for me, that I will never have a soft place to fall. Being alone is not always a bad thing. I love the fact that I make the rules, I live how I want to, I answer to no one, but other times when I have had a really stressful day, or received overwhelming news like a friend has cancer, or I am scared I am not going to be able to make ends meet, or something really great happens, or the day is just beautiful that I had someone to come home to, someone to pick up the phone and call and share my life with.

I think about past relationships and those memories make me so happy that I am single, but what is it about people that it is so hard to make real lasting friendships too? I have no trouble meeting people and making friends and they all lean on me and ask my advice and want me to come out and socialize with them, but when it comes to anything real - a conversation, sharing lives then it all seems so fake.

It's the same thing with my own blood family. They all say they love and miss me, but then it's a series of forwarded emails, mindless phone calls in which nothing of any substance is exchanged, to inquiries as to how you are doing and if there is one, it's quickly averted to something superficial and then the call is ended. Which I can't honestly say bothers me too much because I don't have the desire or need to maintain fake relationships at this point in my life and I lack the desire to even try.

Sometimes I think it's just me. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who feels so alone but then I talk to my best friend and she tells me she has the same problem with people. She grows weary of attempting to make new friendships only to realize that they are superficial.

Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe there isn't anyone out there for me. I would like to think there is someone out there for me and I just haven't found them yet, but with each passing year I look at the people I have known and wonder.

My ex husband bounces from relationship to relationship and has had 2 children by other women but I know he's a liar, cheat and a thief. My ex boyfriend is in a relationship with a woman and they have been together for years and they fight constantly, they lived together for awhile but eventually he moved out but they stayed together. My brother married a woman he got pregnant and all they ever do is fight. For three years it's been one complaint after another including fears that she was cheating on him, doesn't care for their child and just spends money and complains that he doesn't make enough for her.

My friend married a guy a few years younger than her. He's immature and doesn't realize how to be a good husband or father and just expects that his wife should take care of the house and the child and then on top of it all have sex with him whenever he wants it. She's OCD and controlling and they clash on a regular basis.

I just look at every relationship around me and wonder how does it work? How does it happen and is anyone ever really happy?

Scary and Exciting all at the same time

Recently, because of all of the harrasment from a neighbor I have decided to put my house on the market. I am just ready to get out of Stephenville where there never seems to be any help when you need it, and closer to my best friend.

The problem, I found the perfect house in the perfect town, in the perfect location for the perfect price and I am stuck waiting to see if my house sells in time! I just want things to settle down. I just want to find some peace.

I have struggled my entire life to own my own home, achieve and education, and have a cushion in case of emergency and no matter what it seems every time I turn around there is some kind of obstacle to overcome. I don't know how much I can continue to fight to over come. Sometimes it just seems as if it is all getting to be too much.

Being stuck in Stephenville away from the people who love me makes it all even that much more difficult so I pray that God will help me to sell my house so I can be closer to the ones I love, so I can not be isolated, so I can continue the work I do with the crisis center to create awareness for awareness and help prevent others from going through what I have gone through. I fear that if I don't have a safe place to fall then I won't be able to help others either and that's is the worst thing of all.

A lifetime of abuse gives birth to an adovacate b Amanda Kimble

Her mother's boyfriend

The abuse began when she was just a toddler, only four years old. She was thrown into a non-traditional relationship following her parents' separation. "My mother and I lived with a couple, a man and his wife. My mother was their girlfriend," Toni said. Almost as quickly as they moved into the home, the terror began. The man sexually abused her and his wife beat the young girl. "The physical abuse was frequent, the sexual abuse was nightly," Toni said. The abuse spanned six years and nobody, not even her mother knew. In addition to living in the shadows of abuse, she was caring for her ailing mother, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Until she was nine, she cooked for her mother, fed her and bathed her daily And, every night, the monster would enter her room. "My mom was so sick, I couldn't tell her," Toni said. The first abuser was a military man and the family was always on the move. Looking back, Toni said it seemed every time a light would begin to shine into the dark reality of her life, he was relocated to another post. There was the time in Washington when Child Protective Services was called after the children were bathed in scalding hot water and there was another incident in Austin that raised eyebrows. "I don't remember why CPS came in Austin," Toni said. "But there was never any follow through." Toni admits she never made a cry for help. "Kids don't know how things work, how things are supposed to be," Toni said. "I remember being terrified. I was afraid if I told, I would pay the price." Her terror grew the day she watched her mother die. "I realized I was there alone, with no escape, trapped with those people," Toni said. But help arrived a week later when her father, with whom she had little interaction with over the years, arrived to take her away. It wasn't until later that Toni discovered the couple's two younger children were also abused. Neither of the abusers faced justice for their crimes. "When I was 14, I got a letter. It said the man had committed suicide. I was angry I never had a chance to confront him, that he never had to face justice," Toni said. "At the same time, he would never get a chance to hurt anyone else." In 2001, she was informed the woman was very ill and was being cared for by her daughter.

The Cinderella Years

Although her father arrived to take her out of hell, she said, "I always felt, always knew I wasn't wanted." She moved in with her dad and his wife. "My stepmother always told me they were going to send me away." Toni said. "She would always say I looked and acted like my mother, and she had a real problem with that. She was very emotionally abusive." But the "wicked stepmother" did have a purpose for the girl. She quickly became the caretaker of her younger half siblings and her list of chores grew daily. "I never had the opportunity to be a kid," she said. "Do your chores," she would always say. I felt like Cinderella."

When her father and stepmother separated, the abuse turned into neglect. Her father started dating, was rarely home and left Toni and her sister alone. "There were no groceries at the house. I ate at a friend's house or ate whatever I could find," Toni said. "He was taking my social security check and spending the money on women and partying. He wasn't even paying the bills." Soon her dad was married again and ready to move his daughters in with their new mom. Toni had already found ways to cope and methods for making money. "I was selling and doing drugs, whatever I had to do," Toni said.

One day, at 16 her life took a turn when she walked in on her stepmom beating her step sister - she had enough. The teen soon found herself confessing the truth about drug sales and use and her father's neglect to a court appointed advocate. The truth about the prior abuse never came out.

"I told Brown County Judge Ray West that nobody was taking care of me," Toni said "He asked me what I would do if he emancipated me and declared me an adult." she said she would straighten out her life,, complete her education, continue working and get a roommate. The emancipation was granted and the teen worked to make a life of her own, on her own terms.

The Stranger

Toni now admits her choice in roommates was a bad one. she moved in with an older friend, a woman in her 40s. "I sold drugs to her," Toni admitted. "That was how we met."

Although Toni was ready to leave drugs behind, the roommate was a frequent user and had men in and out of the home. "I woke up one night and one of those men had come into my room.. He was on top of me," Toni said. "I got up and said, "this is enough. I have to get control of my life. I have got to find a good situation, a safe place for me to live and survive." And that safe place wasn't hard to find.

"I was dating a boy, whose mother Karen Deal (of Brownwood) has to be an angel. She moved me into their home and I lived with them until I was 18." It was her haven and is still a safe place when times are tough. "That is where I go on Christmas," she said. "Karen is who I call on when things are bad."

Her Husband

Toni moved to Stephenville in 1996, quit dealing and doing drugs. About three years later she met the man who would become her husband. "He was very attentive. We traveled, went places. He would show up with flowers for no reason. He would bring full meals to me when I was on my 30 minute lunch break," Toni said.

It was the little things that convinced her she had met Mr. Right. Still cautious, she decided they should move in together to "test the waters". After about two years, they were married and Toni had her hands full. "I was working on my bachelor's degree, had a full time job and we were running a business," she said. But soon the light began to fade.

"I started noticing that something was wrong," Toni said. She soon discovered her husband was doing drugs, something she said she never suspected. "I was too busy trying to be a normal person and live a normal life and I trusted him completely I needed to trust him, he was the only person I had, outside of Karen," she said. But the situation continued to get worse. Her husband was failing to show up at job sites. he wouldn't answer her calls, she began asking questions and when she demanded answers, he became abusive. She turned to law enforcement for help.

The couple had purchased a home in Lingleville and moved their storefront to the proeprty. In the final days of their relationship, she said there were daily confrontations as she fought to keep everything she had worked to achieve. "through it all, I saved the business. The house was in my name. I had worked my entire life to not worry about my next meal and a roof over my head," Toni said. "Maybe I shoudl have left, but I was not willing to let go of it all."

Sheriff's deputies visited the property frequently. "He could have killed me," Toni said. "The cops would tell me to go to a shelter. I was not going to lose it all, so I refused to leave." Finally, Toni went to Cross Timbers Family Services and found a friend at the agency, Beth. She eventually sought the assistance of an attorney and obtained a restraining order, which kept him out of the house but allowed him to visit the business - just feet from the home. "The restraining order enraged him. He came to house with two shotguns and stood outside the house screaming." Toni said. "I picked up the phone and dialed 911. He ripped the wiring off of the house, so I reached for my cell phone." She said after waiting on law enforcement for an hour, she grabbed her handgun. Moments later she saw two patrol cars approach. Deputies disarmed her busband. She said he was not taken to jail. She finally decided to leave town while the divorce was "being ironed out." Eventually the house was hers and "just two days later it went up in flames" she suspected it was no accident.

Healing

Finally, at 33 she has started to heal. Although they still hurt the physical and emotional wounds have finally scabbed over, but the scars are still visible. The neglect of her father has faded into disappointment. While the memories are fragmented and certain events of those dreadful days have been shoved into the deepest recesses of her mind, she has found the strength to resurrect the demons and face them head on.

"I blocked the childhood memories for so long," Toni said. "But I have finally started to piece those years back together." Just five years into the healing process, she said, "There is no way I have grown, or healed enough."

Toni recently started volunteering at Cross Timbers Family Services. She shares her story and hope with other women and children faced with similar horrors. "I was suicidal before I reached out, but I decided I could not kill myself. I could not let those circumstances destroy me," Toni said. "It is important that other victims know they are not alone. There are places for you to go, people for you to turn to." Toni admits she will never have children of her own, although she loves kids. "I have struggled so hard to take care of myself I don't think I could live up to the responsibility of taking care of a child and being a good mother," she said. "I have a fear of making a child feel the way I felt. In my mind, those uncertainties are not worth the risk." still she has moved on. Toni owns her own business, is working on her master's degree and will continnue to heal and offer that same hope to others.

They guy who won't take No for an answer............

Life has not always been an easy experience for me. For those of you who know me or have been following my blog you have recently discovered the abuse I have survived through out my childhood and adulthood.

Recently, I received an apology from a guy who I have known since jr. high and who has been persuing me for the last year. I always thought of this guy as a friend in school. He was sweet and shy and not pushy. He was easy to talk to and felt safe. I always knew he had a crush on me but the feelings were not mutual and since he never brought the subject up I felt comfortable maintaining a friendship with him.

After we graduated he joined the military and we lost touch until he got out and moved to same town I was living in. I was married when we re established contact and he soon entered a long term relationship as well.

About a year ago he discovered I wasn't married and soon after he ended his relationship. He quickly asked me out and I agreed to go on a "friendly outing" with him since he was so freshly sepperated. However, that was not his intention and once I realized this I ended the evening politely. However, before I even made it home that night he had already texted me several times and the text were all of a sexual nature. He wanted me to know how much he wanted to be with me, and that he could do things that would be pleasurable for me, blah blah blah. We've all heard those lines before, right girls?

I did not respond to any of the texts, thinking he would stop. However, for the next few weeks he continued. I finally responded letting him know this was not appropriate behavior and I did not want to engage in this activity. He stopped and his contacts became similar to old times, more appropriate and less sexual in nature. I thought my message got through to him. I was glad because I always thought of him as a friend and a nice guy.

Then recently, they started up again. I was curious as to why the nature of his contacts changed again so I asked a mutual friend (he didn't know I knew) what was going on with him. I discovered that he had been dating someone. No problem. He has that right but what made him think that since he wasn't in that relationship any longer he could go back to doing the things I had previously told him I didn't like? Some people really have a set of balls of them!

Saturday morning he texted me and asked if I would meet him for breakfast. I was out looking at properties so I told him maybe if I got through I could meet him for a late lunch. He proceeded to text me for awhile telling me how long he's been interested and that he wants to make slow, passionate love to me, blah blah blah same story different lines, right girls?

I told him that I wasn't interested and that I wasn't dating right now and was taking some time to be with me. He kept acting as if this was a horrible thing to do. I assured him it was not and was a good thing for me!

Sunday morning(this morning) he texted me asking me to breakfast again. I said no. I had already eaten and was gonna mow my yard. I had called in an order to a local resturant and was headed to pick it up and low and behold who is sitting in there when I walk in? He is. UGH!! I picked up my meal and headed back out. I went on with my plans and worked outside and mowed the yard. I came into the house to discover several texts from him. Apparently he had picked up the Sunday paper proceeded to read the interview I had done on Thursday with a local writer about my history of child abuse and domestic violence and advocacy work. He texted that he was so sorry and if he did anything to offend me that was not his intention and if I needed to talk to anyone he was there and blah blah blah.

All these years he knew me and never knew anything real about me. Why is it ever ok to talk to anyone that way? What difference does it make what happened to me in my past? Why is he sorry now, but thought it was ok to behave that way before he knew my past? It amazes me sometimes how ignorant and inconciderant people are with their actions.

Either way he should know better than to behave that way. Especially, if he wants a relationship with me. If I am so special it shouldn't be ok to talk to me that way. If all he wanted was a one night stand or fling or I ever led him to think I might be interested in a sexual relationship that might be different but come on now......use your brain.

Halloween, it's that time of year again

It's that time of year when everyone dresses up and puts out the scary decorations and everyone delights! In the past few years I would normally go out with a group of "friends" that I have quickly learned are just acquaintances and attend their party but with all the reflection I have been embarking on I have changed my plans yet again!

While my house has been decorated in a spooky fashion all month long I have decided to either travel to a neighboring town and walk with my best friend while she takes her son Zman trick or treating or to just stay home and watch scary movies! While I truly enjoy the Halloween atmosphere, I have lost all desire to associate with people who have not called me or come to see me in months. It's like since I don't attend the Friday night drinking fests any longer no one has any need to speak with me. That's a hard pill to swallow. I have difficulty understanding why it is that people have these fake relationships. No one has picked up a phone and said "how's Karen?", "How are you?" "let's go have dinner", "let's see a movie", "come hang out" or anything else. I don't understand why it is so difficult to establish meaningful friendships with people. They never hesitate to call me when they need something, for instance about 3 weeks ago two of the "friends" needed use of my truck and they called then (of course i refused because i didn't have it in me to be used at that time) however, in the past I would have done it. I was always there whenever anyone needed me. It seems now that I am experiencing some stressful times the only people who care are my best friend and my Karen. That's a hard to pill to take.

Don't get me wrong I am thankful to have them both and I will always be there for them as they are for me, because that's what friends do!

On the road again

After 4 years of withstanding constant harassment and stalking behavior from my creepy neighbor I have decided to put my house on the market and move. It's time anyway. I never intended to stay here for a long period of time. I moved into town when I was going through the horrible divorce with my ex because of long delayed response times from the local sheriff's department. I thought living 9 blocks from the local police department would help when my ex harassed me but that proved to be wrong as well. The harassment continued and he never was arrested only warned to stop. It just seems that I can't catch a break and it's ok for people to be harassed in their own homes and the local pd doesn't care.

The good news... I think this might actually be feasible. I found a house across the street from my best friend in a neighboring town (very small doesn't even have police - thank goodness for the castle law I guess). The house is beautiful on the outside and the pictures of the inside appear to be awesome so I am going to try and schedule an appointment to go view the house at the end of this week. Hopefully, all will go well and I will quickly find a buyer for this house and be on my way!

Giving Back and Making a Difference

I have spent the last couple of months training for a new volunteer position - victim advocate. While the training material and presentations have caused me to reflect back on the abuse I suffered as a child, teen and young adult, it has also made me realize that I not only survived but that I have become successful in my own life in ways that some victims never experience.

I realize my own worth. I gained confidence. I gained an education and I have continued to grow throughout my life. All of this success has caused me to want to give back and help show others that only they can change their lives. All of my success has caused me to want to draw attention to child abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and domestic violence and bring it out of the shadows of our society and into the spot light so that it can be brought to an end.

Friday Oct. 16th I will be participating in tying purple ribbons at the local court house to help bring awareness to domestic violence.

It's amazing how doing for others can help us to feel better and even heal our own pain.

A lifetime of abuse gives birth to an advocate

A lifetime of abuse gives birth to an advocate
By AMANDA KIMBLE http://www.empiretribune.com/articles/2009/10/25/news/doc4ae393bf403e0473693007.txt

This was a difficult interview to do. It brought up a lot of hard memories and emotions and reminded me of why I am where I am. Sometimes it would be nice if things would just be a little more easy.....even if only for a short while.

Surgery with a positive outlook

Karen's surgery was yesterday and it was one of the longest days of my life. I kept thinking back to when my mother was sick and all the suffering and then of course to losing her. That was the most painful event in my life and I did not want to experience that again with Karen. I didn't want Karen to suffer.

Her surgery was scheduled for 7:45am. She arrived at the hospital and was checked in and put in a room. Finally, at 11:30am they rolled her into pre op. Finally, at 1:30pm she went into surgery, after all the delays. Around 3:30pm she was finished. The doctor said she removed the entire cyst, did not find that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, so she didn't have to remove any lymph nodes and Karen was wheeled to recovery. We were all so relieved. I was especially relieved because I knew I was not ready to lose her.

Karen went back home to Brownwood and slept. She slept off and on most of today and we spoke around 4:47pm. She was feeling better, her throat was still soar from the tubes that were down her throat, but she was feeling better and she was relieved too.

I told her that if she needed anything all she had to do was call me and I would hop in the truck and be back in Brownwood to help her no matter what. I told her the weekend was supposed to be beautiful and all she needed to do was rest the next couple of days and then enjoy the sunshine!

It's amazing how some people just take one another for granted. Some people expect that they can act however, they want and it will be ok, because that person will always be there, but when you have experienced the loss of a mother you never take loved ones for granted like that again. I was lucky enough to have met a surrogate mother and I know that.

She Found a Lump

I drove home to Brownwood a few days before my birthday to spend the day with my surrogate mother - Karen. I woke up that morning excited to be going to visit because I had not seen her since Christmas. I missed spending time with her greatly.

I dressed and prepared NaKoda to spend the day by herself. I went outside and got into my truck only to discover that the back tire was completely flat and had a huge screw in it. Great it was a holiday too! Everything was closed. I managed to find a tire store that was open and purchased a new tire. A few hours later I was on the road again!

I pulled up excited to visit. I went in the house and no one was inside. I looked out the back window to find Karen and her husband Johnny on the gazebo in the back. I poured myself a glass of wine and walked out to the gazebo and sat down. Everything was sunny and beautiful and we had lovely conversation as we watched the dog Cody play and the cats come up and get their bathing from him. The horses wondered up and visited and it was nice relaxing country afternoon. All the things that make me long for home.

Later in the afternoon, Karen and I both needed a refill on our glasses of wine. We walked into the house and as we stood on each side of the bar, Karen pouring our wine, she told me she had found a lump in her breast. She told me that she had found it by accident. She had laid down on her bed and put her hand over her chest and felt the lump. She told me she had already been to the doctor had they had told her it didn't look good. I was shocked. What assholes to announce it that way. I asked if she had made an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion and she had. She went in for the biopsy and it was cancer.

My world came crashing down. I did not want to lose a second mother to cancer. I could not go through this again. My hope was that medicine had improved over the 20 years.

Loss of a companion

On my birthday I lost my beloved companion, NaNook. I was so sad and over whelmed because he had been by my side through so many life changing events. NaNook was my comfort and support through the break up of my marriage, he was my protector when I was physically threatened, he was my comfort when I was sad, lonely or sick. He was the reason I was able to get out of bed some mornings and go to work and keep on pushing through life.

NaNook was caring, nurturing, protective, playful and mischivious. He was a beautiful rottwieler who brought love to my life during a time I did not think I was capable of loving or being loved.

NaNook was cremated by Faithful Companions in Strawn Texas and now rest on my bed side table. NaKoda and I greatly miss him.

I'm Growing Up!

Over the past few years I have learned a lot about myself, thanks to therapy, self help books, self reflection and my sarogate mother and my best friend! Even though life has seemed very stressful at times and bad situations have happened. I find myself dealing with them and moving on from them much more quickly than I did in my previous life. I realize things about myself and I have become more comfortable with myself and I believe this is all progress for me!

I enjoy my home, I enjoy my companion, I enjoy my friends, I enjoy the few family members I do have and I am successful in more ways that most people ever are. I am completing my Masters degree (June 2010), I started my own company and each day brings success, I do good work through the crisis center, and I like who I am!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.
87% of stalkers are men.
61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29% vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.
76% of femicide victims had been stalked by the person who killed them
54% of femicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.

According to the National Violence Against Women Survey:
Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are women and 22% are men.
Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.
In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator. Of people who report sexual violence, 64% of women and 16% of men were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date.

The National Women's Study, a three-year longitudinal study of a national probability sample of 4,008 adult women (2,008 of whom represent a cross section of all adult women and 2,000 of whom are an over sample of younger women between the ages of 18 and 34), found:
13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime
22% of rape victims were assaulted by someone they had never seen before or did not know well.
9% of victims were raped by husbands or ex-husbands.
11% were raped by fathers or stepfathers.
10% were raped by boyfriends or ex-boyfriends.
16% were raped by other relatives.
29% were raped by other non-relatives, such as friends and neighbors.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

Letting Go of My Father

I spent a lot of time with Alexandria and her son over the next few months talking about all the past issues we had with our fathers and how sometimes we just wished they'd understand, while her father seemed to be getting better at being a father, mine just seemed farther away.

Over the next few months I focused more on me and being happy and I let go of the need to have him in my life. The amazing thing is that he showed up again not too long after that wanting to be a part of my life. I gave him a chance. I went to visit him at Easter which was very uncomfortable, then I went to visit him for no reason and in he began calling once a week. The problem is that he never wants to hear the things I have to say, he cuts me off and begins talking about his 4 step grand children that he and his wife have custody of or talks about the money he has had to loan his step children. He never asks how I am doing, what has happened in my life over the last few years, or takes any kind of interest in me as a person. His only interest seems to be laying claim to what he thinks is his...his child.

My father doesn't seem to realize that he and I have never had a relationship. He seems to forget that for my entire childhood before my mother past away, when I came to visit from a child's point of view he wasn't plugged in. He didn't interact with me. He worked and when he was home he sat in his recliner watching television while he allowed his abusive second wife to reign over everything. Even after my mother passed away and I was forced to move in with him he fails to recall the situation didn't change and by the time I was a teenager and he wanted to start with his third wife I was over trying to have any kind of relationship with him because I hated him so much for not being there for me all those previous years.

It's so frustrating to me to still want to have that connection, to be someone's little girl but I know that until he recognizes and acknowledges his part in my childhood experiences then I can't have a relationship with him. The problem is how do I tell him this without hurting his feelings?

Letting go ............continued

All seemed well. I was working (more than I really wanted to), I was making new friends and started going out on Fridays with friends for drinks and dinner and I was getting a lot of work accomplished on my home.

I still sometimes had to deal with my passed issues but for the most part I was in a good place.

One of the issues I still struggled with was the desire to have my father be a part of my life even though I had given up on it long ago. He just never exhibited the desire to really know me, he never acknowledged his part in the traumatic events that occur ed in my childhood and without this I wasn't sure that I ever could have a relationship with him of any kind and I definitely did not a fake relationship with anyone. Life was just too short and I didn't want to waste mine chasing non realistic or fake relationships with anyone.

A second issue I was still dealing with and trying to resolve was the type of person I attracted. What was it about me that attracted broken souls? All the men in my life wanted someone to take care of them, all my friends had similar issues of child abuse, just exactly what was it about us that caused us to seem to gravitate towards one another and exactly what was it about me that seemed to cause me to be the center? Everyone seemed to lean on me, tell me their problems, and expect me to have all the answers? What is it about me that causes everyone to be around when they need something, but when I need something only one friend was ever there.

Alexandria and I met when she started working at the bar I worked at. We didn't get along at first, we think because we were both so much alike. Didn't take any shit and told it like it was. We both did all the drugs we could get our hands on, we both were going to school, we both had horrible family situations and we both desperately wanted someone who understood. We raised hell together even though we had very different circles of friends we always seemed to gravitate towards one another.

Today is my Birthday!!

Today is my birthday so I am going to take a little break/vacation and head to the place in Junction to relax, unwind, gather my thoughts, do a little meditation, some horseback riding and whatever else may come to mind!

I will return with more blog entries and continue the story of letting go when I return!

Thanks to all my readers for your support!

NaKoda

Letting go ............continued

My new beau and I (Wesley) previously knew each other when we both worked together at a local feed mill. He was a truck driver and I was the office manager. We were both divorced now and always had a pretty good work friendship previously so why not?

Things were pretty good. Wesley was easy going, laid back, and since he had four kids with his ex wife I thought that he wouldn't be around all the time. However, with him came along so much baggage and expectations that were so unreasonable that I ended things within 3 months.

I had a few more dates with various men who asked me out or friends set me up with and they all seem to just want to move too fast.

I was sad, because I really just wanted a companion to share some time with, talk about our lives, have fun together and of course a little adult fun as well! After all, I am a woman and we do have needs! I started realizing that people didn't know what dating meant anymore. They wanted to go from first date to living together within weeks of meeting one another and this was not acceptable to me. What happened to courting and romance and friendship? I was a cup o soup: just add water and get instant relationship!

I decided to stop dating again for awhile and just focus on my house. I had finally located employment that I thought was going to be long term at a place I thought I would enjoy. The neighbors harassment had slowed down to a dull roar so I just ignored him for the most part.

Things were starting to look up for me!

Letting go ............continued

The next few months were filled with horrible harassment from my neighbor. He continued with his campaign of harassment towards my dogs even though I explained to him over and over that teasing and acting aggressively towards them would cause them to re act in aggressive manners towards him.

The next few months went by in this manner until we ended up in court because one of the dogs did bite his wife. However, the dog bit her on our property and we proved that it happened on our property. Problem? Even if a dog attacks a person protecting their owners property they can still be considered dangerous. A load a crap if you ask me....isn't that what we have dogs for? If they are on their owners property then isn't it the trespassers fault if they are injured?

Oh well.

My best friend and I quickly built a fence to help keep the psycho neighbor off of our property. However, he continued to call the police and make false reports against me saying I was harassing him. The funniest part of it all was he would call and make accusations when I wasn't even home. Then I came home one day to find my house had been broke into. Nothing had been stolen, the only thing that happened was my dogs had been let out. Hmmmmm even though they couldn't prove it was psycho neighbor the police had a pretty good idea that it had been him.

I would come home to find notices on my door from animal control stating that a neighbor had called in saying my dogs were at large on days I hadn't been home all day and my dogs had been locked up in the house, I would be sleeping and be wakened by knocks on the door early in the morning only to discover that the neighbor had called reporting my dogs loose. This became so irritating I went off on the officer.

I couldn't move without this man calling the police on me for things that never happened.

I started dating an old friend and with him coming around I noticed the harassment stopped.

Letting go ............continued

A few weeks went by and life fell back into the norm. I was devastated by losing my Great Uncle Jack. He was so important to me! He was the best, most honest man I had ever known and now he was gone. Uncle Jack wouldn't want me to be sad, he would want me to pick myself up and continue on my journey. He would want me to be happy and so I NaNook and NaKoda and I returned back home to our life. We left the peaceful pastures of Junction and returned home.

Things went back to normal, I went to work, job hunted and grew more and more depressed because I was alone. My friends had abandoned me because they didn't agree with my leaving my ex, my family hadn't been in touch with me in years, my sister didn't understand how difficult life was and my best friend was all the way in Florida. To make things worse my psycho neighbor started harassing my dogs because he didn't like rottweilers.

Letting go ............continued

Jason left that night but he wasn't happy. I wasn't happy either. How dare he ask me to cancel my plans just because he came into town. He didn't call me, he didn't even ask me, and what made him think I would just drop everything in the first place.

He called and asked me if he could come to town the next weekend and I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. I told him I thought he was moving to fast and expecting things I was not willing to give. I told him I would like some time with myself and my friends. The first thing he said was, "are you seeing someone else?"
I was furious. I told him no but that if I was I didn't think it was any of his business because we were not exclusive.

A couple of weeks went by and I received some horrible news. My great uncle Jack had passed away. I was devestated. He meant the world to me. I was making arrangments to head to Junction for the funeral when Jason called. He wanted to come see me before he left for Africa again and wondered if he could come up that night. I told him no because I was leaving the next day for the funeral. Not a "I'm sorry for your loss" not a "can I do anything for you" nothing. His next statement was - "I know you are seeing someone else". I was so angry. I told him I didn't want to see him ever again and hung up the phone.

Letting go ............continued

The next month rolled around and Jason was back. He called and wanted to go out. He wanted to send me the gas money to come up and wanted me to spend the weekend. I told him I couldn't because of my dogs, but that I would come for the evening. I drove up, we went to dinner and went to a local bar. It was getting late so I headed home even though Jason was being persistent about me spending the night. I just wasn't ready for a physical relationship yet.

The new week started and I went back to work. I spoke with Jason on the phone that night after work and he was trying to talk me into driving to Abilene. I informed him that I had to work the next day and wasn't going to drive to Abilene. He said he would drive to me, but I told him it was already getting late, and I couldn't be up late so it just wasn't a good idea.

The next night after work my phone rang. It was Jason. He told me he was in town. I told him he should have called because I had dinner plans with friends that night and wasn't going to be home until later. I invited him to come to eat with us, but he didn't want to. He became upset that I wasn't canceling my plans but I informed him that he should have called and that he couldn't expect me to cancel on my friends just because he showed up unannounced.

A red flag went up and I took note of it.

Letting go ............continued

I met a guy - Jason. He worked in the oil industry. He worked on a rig in Africa and lived in Abilene. He was the friend of a friend's boyfriend. He had a 6 yr old son whom lived in East Texas. When he was home he drove to see him every other weekend. Ok, this could be casual. This might be the best way to get back into the dating world. I would only be able to see him two weekends a month maximum, especially since I was working nights and wasn't being paid very well where I was working! This would be perfect for me!

My friend put us in touch via email because he was in Africa working at the time. We emailed back and forth for a month before he returned home to Abilene. Upon his return he called me and asked if I wanted to do something that following weekend. I wanted to but I didn't have the money to go to Abilene so he decided to come here, instead. I told him he couldn't spend the night so he would either have to drive home or get a hotel. He said he was ok with that so it was on. We went out to eat and then went and played some pool. It was getting late and I had some things to do at home still since my days were nights and my nights were days. Jason said he should be getting on the road so we called it a night and I went home and he headed towards the interstate.

We weren't able to see each other again before he left for Africa but we spoke on the phone quite a bit and began emailing again while he was gone. This was perfect for me. Not too involved, not too much responsibility, and with emailing we were really talking and getting to know each other.

I was job hunting a lot during the next month because I hated where I was working. The hours sucked, every time I put in for any type of advancement I was blocked, the pay was ridiculous and something had to give but it wasn't going to be me.

I found another job (day job) at a local farm equipment store, but I knew from the first day I wouldn't be staying there long either.

Letting go ............continued

Well, the fire was put out and I made it back home around 6am that morning. I contacted the insurance agent and the fire investigator a little later that morning. Now, instead of selling the property I was going to have to lead a massive clean up of the property and the trash he left in the shop carport before I could sell it. The hits just keep on coming.

Meanwhile, I continued to try and keep on surviving. At this point, I was so stressed out and now for some reason my jerk ex thought he was entitled to some of the insurance money! HA HA I couldn't laugh any harder. This asshole even had the nerve to show up on my door step when I wouldn't return any of his calls. I immediately called the police because the restraining order was still in effect but of course he was gone before they arrived (and I live about 9 blocks from the police department). I was so angry. I went off on them. I told them that it was bullshit that I was unable to have anything done and that as long as he was gone before they arrived he was home free. I asked them what was I supposed to do if he had broke in, if he had tried to harm me....what would they do when he arrived and I was dead or better yet he was because they failed to provide any resolution to his harassment?

The fire investigator finally finished his investigation and the insurance company began paying out. The bad side, while the fire investigator believed it was arson and that my ex had set the fire there wasn't enough evidence to prove he did. Once again, he was getting off without a scratch. This was the luckiest bastard I had ever met.

I moved on and every evening for a month after work I drove out to the property and continued to knock down the remaining structure of the house and carry it off. My little brother and his step father were nice enough to come and help me with the backhoe to dig a hole and burn what was left that would burn. Eventually, everything was cleaned up and cleared off and I was able to sell the property. I was shocked when I actually got more for the property than I had paid for it but the housing market was booming! I took the money and paid off the remaining loan. With what was left over I began making improvements to my new home. Life was moving on and I was determined to as well.

After all, it had been a year sine I left my ex and the divorce had been final for over 6 months at this point.

This is what I was left with ..................

Letting go ............continued

I was woke at about 3am by a phone call. The caller ID said __ __ police department. The caller stated she was with the __ __ police department and that everyone needed to get out of the house because it was on fire. I jumped out of the bed, threw on some clothes and my dogs and I walked outside. No fire trucks, no police, no fire! You can imagine my confusion. I told the woman I thought she had the wrong number because I was outside my home and there was no fire. She asked if this was the residence of ____ _____ and I told her yes. She asked me my address and I told her. She asked if I had a home in Lingleville as well and it dawned on me what was happening. There was a fire at the home I had placed on the market to sell that day. The home that I had retained pocession of in the divorce because my ex failed to act. That bastard had set the house on fire! The caller asked me if their was anyone in the home to my knowledge. I stated to her the situation and that no one should be in the home and if there was they were trespassing. I told her I would be out at the property in about 15 minutes.

I harnessed the dogs, jumped in the truck and headed to the property. Once I turned off the highway and onto the county road I could see the fire. I grew more angry with each mile I drove. Upon arriving I spoke with the officers and explained to them the situation. I asked who called in the fire and had they talked to any of the neighbors. They informed me that one of the neighbors had called it in and stated that they had seen my ex's truck and another vehicle on the property earlier that evening. I let the police know that no one had permission to be on the property other than myself. The police said they needed to speak with my ex so I gave them the only contact numbers I had for him, which were his parents and his brothers.

Upon reaching his parents the police were told that their sons had all gone out of town on a camping trip and had left the day before. The police informed them they needed to get in touch with him immediately and demanded a contact number. As I sat on the tailgate of my truck watching the firemen work I realized this asshole wasn't going to stop. He had succeeded stealing my truck without the police doing anything, he had been driving by and harrassing me at my new home - including stealing my mailbox which officers made him return but did nothing about, he had succeeded with calling me on the phone and harrassing me and had only been picked up one time out of all the harrassment and now a fire.........what was it going to take before the police put a stop to this? How long was he going to hold on to harrassing me before he stopped? He had even driven by my new house at one point and dialed my house number (or maybe his cell dialed because it was actually a background conversation I heard on my answering machine) and had a girl in the truck he was telling that this was my house as he drove by.

What was it going to take to make it him stop?

Letting go ............continued

I continued on to my destination without returning any of the calls. Upon my arrival I called the one person other than my attorney that knew where I was and discussed the events with him. This man was like a "great uncle" to me. He had been through a similar experience with a past wife when he was younger. We discussed why he stayed and why I was leaving. Even though he was of the generation that did not believe in divorce he understood that sometimes that was the only option and he also understood what I was feeling and that this was not an easy decision for me. He understood that I loved the husband I married but that he had changed and this was not a person I wanted in my life.

A few days after arriving at this location my attorney contacted me to let me know that he had been served with the divorce papers and the restraining order. She stated that it was reported back to her that he was not happy. He was informed what would happen if he violated the orders. My cell phone started blowing up. I eventually turned the phone off because he would not stop calling. I began making arrangements for the division of assets and had a locksmith change the locks on the house and shop. I worked, I attended class online. I pampered myself and my dogs and spent the days riding horses, taking photographs, playing with the dogs and taking in the local culture!

Three weeks later I decided it was time to return home. My soon to be ex husband had left word with my attorney that he didn't want anything (the house, the business, anything that I could have it all and that I was right and deserved better than him). I returned home and fell back into day to day life while waiting for things to be finalized. This did not look like it was going to take long because he wasn't asking for anything. However about a week after I returned home his lawyer started contacting my attorney stating that he had changed his mind. He wanted the house and the business. I informed my attorney that was fine, showed proof of where the money came from for both and stated I wanted to be bought out of both. I also requested that he return the key to my truck which I had purchase prior to our marriage and that he keep the truck I had purchased for the business. When he realized that he would have to buy me out he became livid. He started making threats to the point that his own attorney became worried. He started becoming beligerant and hostile and making rediculous demands such as custody of my dogs. His lawyer laughed. My lawyer informed his attorney of all the proof I had of his illegal actions and informed him that if he did not make this quick and easy I was prepared to bring all of this information out in court. His lawyer advised him to stop his behavior.

A few days went by and we didn't hear anything. Then one night as I was sitting in my bed working on a paper for class I heard a vehicle pull into my drive way. I looked out the window to see who it was because it was so late. I saw him walk around to my truck and get in and drive off. I called the police, informed them of the situation and that he had just stolen my truck. They said they would be on the look out for it but that this was a civil matter and would need to be addressed by the court. I informed them that if I found the truck before they did there were going to be bigger issues. I quickly began contacting every person I knew he knew. I informed them all that the truck had been reported stolen and that if they didn't want the police showing up on their door steps it was in their best interest to not let him on their property in my vehicle and to call and let me know where he was. Eventually, I discovered him at his brother's house in a neighboring town. I went to get in his truck to head there and realized something was wrong. He had taken the battery out of his truck. Bastard!

I contacted a friend who said she would give me a ride. I drove to his brother's house because they definately didn't want the police at their door step since he was involved in the same activity that my soon to be ex was and they kept him there while I got in the truck, started it up and drove off. He was so pissed off. He began calling my cell and the house leaving messages that he was threatening me. I drove to the police department with the copy of the restraining order and let them hear the messages. He was picked up at his brothers house and arrested.

A few days went by and my attorney informed me that his attorney had stated that he could not get in touch with him. I told them that was not my problem and we were proceeding with or without him. I was done. That evening as I was working out in the yard he pulled up on the property. I reached for the phone and called the police and set the phone down. He got out of the truck and started threatening me. I told him he needed to leave and let him know the police were on their way. He attacked me and began choking me. I fought back and punched him in the throat. My dogs began biting him and jumping on him and barking. He let go. I called the dogs off and ran into the house. I locked the doors and picked up the other phone extension and got my gun. I informed the operator what had just happened, where I was at, and let her know i had a gun and if he broke into the house I would shoot. He pounded at the door hollering and screaming. Then it became silent.

I looked out the window to see if he had left and I saw him with two of his guns standing in the front yard. I let the operator know that he had two guns in the front yard. I could hear her convey this. About 45 minutes went by and the police showed up and arrested him. Of course he tried to tell the police I had started the incident but since I had papers showing he wasn't even supposed to be there that was all she wrote and away he went.


After that incident I didn't hear from him. His lawyer never heard from him. He didn't show up to the court hearing. I made the decision that i was going to sell everything and start over. I put the house up for sell. 3 days after the divorce was final the house mysteriously caught fire.

Letting go ............continued

I began checking the cell phone bill, and figuring out exactly where it was that he was spending his time. I would go by job sites and discover he had not been at any of them all day and that no one had heard from him. By doing this I discovered that some of the people he was hanging out with were not so desirable and actually had prior records with mostly theft, burglary, and drug charges. I also discovered that one particular house he was spending a lot of his time at was a major drug dealer in the area.

I gathered all my proof and sent it off to my attorney and my "mother". I packed my bags and made arrangements to go out of town to a family property. I waited for him to return home one morning after staying out all night. When he arrived he looked like crap and I new I had made the right decision. I informed him that I knew what was going on with him. I told him that I was not going to risk my life and my happiness because he had decided to be engaging in drug activity. I told him that I was leaving town for awhile and that by the time I got back he needed to decide if he wanted to married to me, or not. I told him that the decision to stay married meant that he could not engage in the activity he was involved in and that he had to go to therapy or rehab. It was his choice. I told him this was not open for negotiation. I loaded up my dogs and I left. I stayed gone for two weeks.

While I was away he called several times. He stated he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I agreed to my terms. I told him I would call and make arrangements for the therapy session. He wanted me to attend with him so I agreed. I called made an appointment and then called and told him I would be arriving back home an hour prior to the appointment and that we would drive together. (the appointment was 3 days away).

I called him that morning and asked him if he still wanted to attend the therapy and make efforts to fix things. He said he did. I informed him that I would be home in a few hours and we would start. I drove home and about half an hour prior to arriving back to town I called the house. No answer. I called his cell phone. No answer. I continued driving home to discover he was not there. I called his cell phone again. No answer. I left him a voice mail that I was home and was about to leave to go to the session. I gave him directions and told him that this was his last chance and if he backed out I would be driving to the attorney's office after the session to start divorce proceedings if he did not show up.

I arrived at the therapy session and spent an hour in session. He never showed. I talked to the therapist about what this meant. I left and drove straight to the attorney's office and asked her to start the paperwork. I informed her that I would be leaving town for a couple of weeks and that I wanted a restraining order from the property for him because he had become abusive during some of his eratic behaviors and pushed and shoved me around and I didn't want anything to escalate. I gave her my contact information. I drove out to the house, I packed up clothes and personal items, loaded the truck and the dogs and I headed out. I did not tell anyone other than my attorney and the person who owned the property where i was going that I was leaving or where I would be.

Later that night as I was headed to my destination my cell phone started ringing. I let it go to voice mail each time. At first it was him several times. Each message was angrier and angrier about where I was, what was I doing, and so on. Then they became desperate. "don't leave me, I don't want to lose you, I'll get better." all promises I did not trust. Then his family members started calling me. Then some of his friends. "you don't understand what you are doing to him. Why are you doing this? You need to call him." Each call made me angrier and angrier. No one wanted to help me when I was worried that he was involved with something that could harm him. No one wanted to help when discovered that his problem was meth. Now, that I had followed through on my word and did what I told him I was going to do, his entire world suddenly wanted to help. TOO LATE!

Letting go ............continued

A few years went by and I met my husband (now ex husband). Everything was great in the beginning. We dated for a year, lived together for a year and then married in 2001. It was wonderful. We worked together as a team very well. With no children life was great! We traveled, had adventures, built our business, I attended school and worked outside our business full time and life was good. He was very caring, nurturing and attentive.

About 4 years into our marriage I started to notice that he had changed. His behaviors had changed. He started complaining about how much time I spent on my school. He started coming home later, I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone frequently. People started showing up at the house that I had never met before. His behavior was becoming eratic. Instead of coming in the house when he got home he would stay out in his shop for awhile. He wanted to travel less, he stopped going on adventures like rock climbing, camping, boating, exploring new towns, etc with me. I tried to talk to him to find out if there was an issue but he never would say anything was wrong.

The behaviors got worse and worse. It seemed like the more successful our business grew and the closer I was to finishing school the worse he became. One night he failed to come home and would not answer the phone. I was so worried, I called his mother and a couple of his friends and one of his brothers. Everyone said they had not heard from him. I was up all night worried. He showed up around daylight as if he had done nothing wrong and would not tell me where he had been. I put all the cards on the table and told him that I was not going to be in a relationship with someone who did not have enough respect for me to at least pick up a phone and call and let me know he was ok. I wanted to know where he had been all night and he just kept saying with friends. I was in no mood to argue with him so I told him that I was not going to put up with his eractic behavior any longer and if he couldn't tell me what was going on then he needed to make a decision about if he wanted to be in this marriage or not.

Over the next few weeks his behavior became worse and worse. Contractors were calling me saying he hadn't shown up to job sites, strange people were calling the house and coming by more and more, and his behavior flew off the charts of weirdness. He became very paranoid about people breaking into the shop. I would catch him sitting in the house in the dark staring out the windows saying that cars had been driving by (we lived 13 miles out in the middle of no where on a dirt road that had very little traffic ever) he would go to town to do something and not come back for hours on end with no contact. I was fed up.

Since he wouldn't tell me what was going on and none of his friends or family "seemed" to know anything I decided I was going to have figure it out on my own.

Letting go ............continued

When I was about 15 years old I met a guy, Richard. We hit it off quickly and became fast friends. We both liked fast cars,played basketball, enjoyed similar tastes in music and had come from difficult, broken families. We hung out all the time. I met his mother. She was a very caring and nurturing person. She took me under her wing and we became very close. As the years went by this is where I spent holidays, this is where I went when I was sick, needed help or was just feeling lonely and wanted to be around people! I discussed my past, life, my family, everything with this woman! She guided me and helped me when my own "family" had turned their backs on me because they simply didn't want to be bothered with me after my mother had passed away. This woman fed me when I was too broke to buy groceries and all my friends were home with their families being fed. This woman paid for my doctor's appointments when I was too broke to afford them but desperately needed to go to one because I couldn't afford to take time off from the 2 jobs I had while in high school just to pay for rent and electricity. This woman was everything to me.

I was not willing to give her up if she was willing to keep me! I felt so alone in the world all ready because my friends didn't understand what was going on in my life. They had no idea I had no family. They had no idea I was working two jobs to pay bills because I never had friends to my house, instead I always went to their houses. They had no idea about the abuse I suffered, most people didn't even know my mother had died before I moved to Brownwood. I don't know what they thought, but my "friends" really didn't know much about me - they just knew what I allowed them to see. To my "friends" I was the athlete, the smart one, the fiesty one, who was a good friend to them and always there when they needed me. That was all I was willing to share with anyone at that point. No one really cared enough to earn my trust I felt.

I went on through life in high school playing sports, working, getting good grades and being the happy girl who everyone loved to hang out with! Even today as people from those years send me friend requests I realize how many "friends" I had back then, but how little they really knew about me.

Letting go ............continued

In late 1996 I began dating an old high school boyfriend. We had experienced a bumpy relationship when he first went off to college; mainly because I had cheated on him with my best friend and he had cheated on me with a couple of people but when I moved to Stephenville I thought we had put that all behind us. However, on New Year's Eve we had made plans between my shifts at the bar and when he was late and didn't answer I thought he might have fallen asleep and I went to his apartment. I knocked on the door and no answer so I opened the door to go in and discovered him on the couch having sex with a girl he swore that he was just friends with. This crushed me. I was devestated because I had opened my heart up again and tried to trust someone again and not surprisingly I had once again been let down.

I tried to move on. I tried not to let it bother me but I felt myself closing off. I felt my heart growing darker and colder with each passing day. The worst part of it all was I slowly saw myself reverting to old self destructive habits. I couldn't handle knowing I would have to see this person for the rest of my life and keep his ugly secrets to protect his family. The thing that no one realizes is that since the time I was 16 years old, his mother had "adopted" me so to speak. I had spent holidays with his family. His grandmother had become my grandmother, his great uncle had become my uncle. His family was the only "family" I had for years. What was I going to do? Tell them all that their son, brother, nephew, grandson was a no good lying cheat? Was I going to walk away from the only people that ever excepted me or treated me as one of their own. This tortured me. I didn't know what to do.

I began "partying" all the time. I drank more than I ever had. I quite going to therapy because I didn't want to deal with the issues. I had so much pain in my past, I had so much current pain, I did not know what to do. I started "dating" again. Isn't that what people say when they don't want the to tell the truth? The truth was I started using men to satisfy one need and one need only. When I was satisfied, I was done with them and I would move onto the next one when I felt the need. If I happen to come across a nice guy that wanted an actual relationship with me, I would use him, abuse him, chew him up and spit him out when I was thru with him. A friend's boyfriend once told one of the "nice guys" that he better be on his toes with me, because I was a man eater. I really never gave that any thought until a few years later.

A few years went by like this before I reached another place in which I wanted to make changes.

Letting go ............continued

Therapy can help a person put order back into a chaotic life. It can help sort out the issues that cause us to behave the way we do and desire the things we do. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over; expecting different results.

In my therapy sessions I was comfortable enough for the first time in a long time to talk about the traumatic issues I had experienced in my life such as the sexual, physical and emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother's boyfriend and girlfriend. I was desperately afraid to talk to my mother about it because she was lying in bed dying from cancer. I was able to talk about the issues I had with my father because I felt neglected by him. I was able to talk about my mother's death, moving in with my father and his physically and emotionally abusive wife. I was able to talk about how I was alway made to feel like I wasn't part of their family unit. I was able to discuss my own self destructive behavior because as you may know - when the abuse stops we often become our own abusers if we do not deal with our issues.

With each session I began to realize I had been so busy surviving life circumstances that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. This lead me to start discovering the things I was interested in such as painting, writing, photography, education, spiritualality, music, and so on and so on. I began reading books about different philosophies, healing, places of interests, and just started to discover myself. I realized that life could be good; if I made it so. I realized that I was worth something - to myself; if to no one else. I realized I was talented and smart. I realized that I like me; just the way I was.

Letting go continued...............requested

In 1996 I moved 60 miles north of Brownwood. Brownwood held nothing but horrible memories and opportunities for me to run into my dad and his wife, my ex-step family, and other people that I just didn't want anything to do with any longer.

I moved in with an old boyfriend from high school and found a job bartending at The Pub in Stephenville. I soon saved up enough money and and found my own house. Thank God for that because I don't think I could have lived one more minute with my old boyfriend with his drugs and various girlfriends coming around and stayed sane!

I took in two roommates to help pay the bills. This worked out for awhile but I soon realized I wasn't the roommate type so I moved out leaving them the house and found an apartment for me and my cat, Toonces. I had had Toonces since I was 16 years old. He was so small I could carry him in my pocket when I first brought him home and he had been the one constant thing in my life since then.

Time progressed and I saved up enough money to enroll back in college again. I worked at the bar at night, went to school all day and grew more and more tired of being broke all the time still. I soon found a way to supplement my income but it involved a few old "bad habits". Working at the bar introduced me to a city attorney, judge, and a few other lawyers and dairyment that enjoyed some "party favors" on a regular basis but because of some issues in the town we lived in they were having difficulty find "supplies". I soon began bringing their "supplies" into town on a regular basis for them and this put some nice extra money in my pocket to help pay for school without having to find a second job (because I had so much extra time to be able to work a second job......ha ha).

For a few years things went by well and I decided to try and work on some of my issues from my past. I began attending therapy with one of the best therapist I had ever worked with, but the issues were painful and difficult to face.

Fast and Furious

Wow! The last few weeks have really flown right by me. I haven't had time for anything other than work but I can't complain because that is my goal right now!
I have managed to pick up a client in the UK and so far things are working out well!
I have really enjoyed the opportunities that work have brought to me! I am really enjoying having more time to spend with family and friends!

Monday I was able to drive to Brownwood to spend the day with three of my nieces, and take along my nephew! We spent the day at the pool and had more fun! Then we went back to my mom's to have dinner and ride the horses!

With this weekend being a long weekend for most people I will have time to go visit with friends this evening that I haven't seen in months. One is in from New York so it will be really nice to catch up!

Life is really good right now and I am so thankful that things seem to be going well! I am so blessed!

I spend alot of time explaining what I do for a living but that's ok, the more people talking about it the more the word spreads and that is good!

Have a safe and happy 4th!

Life lessons learned from others actions

All of my life I have been a people watcher. I have sat back and observed their actions, how they interact with others, what people say, what people don't say, their body language, their reactions to others behaviors,their decisions, the consequences for the decisions they make and I have given great thought about my own actions, decisions, consequences, behaviors, what I say, what I don't say and I like to think that I have learned something from all of this, but sometimes I wonder if I learned the right lessons.

Growing up, my mom and I didn't have much. We struggled most of the time but somehow we managed and survived. As a young adult I didn't have much but I had dreams and I somehow I struggled and survived. I learned that if you have dreams, set goals, and make the right sacrifices then you can make your own dreams come true! I learned thta sometimes you have to meet your goals alone and sometimes you have help but you survive.

Zack is single father. His ex wife is a drug addict but his ex in laws help him raise his daughter. Over the last few years he has had some hard times due to being laid off twice. Each time he was laid off he had to take a pay cutt with the new employment he found. During the times he was laid off he pawned many of his treasured belongings to make sure he and his daughter ate and the bills were paid.

A few weeks ago he was in an auto accident. The accident was not his fault but the other person did not have insurance (he was also here in this country illegally but that's another story for another day). Zack's truck was totaled. The vehicle is totaled but it is still drivable but would not pass inspection as a safe vehicle to have on the road, nor would it be able to insure or get tags. This could cause futher financial hardship if he were caught driving this truck on the road once the tags or inspection expired or the insurance company (which he only has liability on) found out the vehicle was totaled. He complains all the time that he needs to save up the money to have the truck repaired which is going to cost him a thousands or purchase a new vehicle. He told me that he wasn't going to go to our group of friend's Friday night outings any longer because it cost too much. I told him that I needed to save money as well and that's why I hadn't been attending them.

Every Friday since that time he has sabotaged his own goals by going to the outings and spending money he doesn't have to spend. Instead he goes out and sits at the resturant and drinks, spending money he doesn't have.

Nancy goes to the same establishment several times a week. She also abuses prescription mediactions on top of her drinking. She supports her entertainment by charging to credit cards. She is spending money she doesn't have. She complains that she knows she has issues and she knows she drinks and takes pills so that she won't have to deal with those issues. She knows that this causes issues in her marriage, she knows it causes issues with her friends and this has caused her a legal situation. She was arrested for dui, and hitting a parked vehicle without leaving information. She was lucky because she works for the judge and knows the city attorney and they have worked out a deal that she will only be charged with the hit and run, and she will take alcohol abuse classes. She goes to court tomorrow.

With all of these issues riding on the line she still engages in this behavior. She still sabotages herself on a regular basis.

I don't understand that. I have found myself in the past (and I am sure I will in the future) doing things that are self destructive but I catch myself and learn from it and stop myself from knowingly engaging in self sabotaging behaviors as much as I can. I am not perfect by far, but if a person knows they are engaging in such behavior why wouldn't they stop themselves? Why being knowingly self destructive even when the alternative may mean sacrifice to reach one's goals?