Working through emotions

Sometimes things happen that we have no control over. Being unable to step in and control a situation can be frustrating but we have to learn to let go of the things we have no control over.  Many years ago I lost my mother to cancer. While this has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life I dedicated countless periods of time trying to let go of the pain of the loss and make the best of the things God has given to me since that devastating loss.

One of the most difficult things for me though has been the diagnosis of cancer in my "adoptive" mother. However, recently numerous people in my life have also been touched by cancer which only makes the entire situation more difficult in numerous ways. While I try to be supportive to all the persons in my life that are currently being touched by this horrible disease one of the most difficult things to deal with has been when persons who are winning their battles with cancer complain about things such as their hair loss or surgery scars, etc. While I have tried to remain supportive to them in their time of suffering I sometimes have to remove myself from them because all I can think is "stop complaining about something as small as hair loss. Be happy you are alive because many have not been so lucky"  I don't want to hurt their feelings but sometimes I wonder if they think about what they are complaining about and to whom they are complaining to.

An Unexpected Statement

                                         In the beginning we all start with a whole heart







As we put ourselves out there each time our heart is broken just a little bit with each person we open ourselves up to.

Somehow though we learn to cry a few tears, bandage our hearts and move forward in our efforts to find a partner, a friend, a companion, a lover. 

Finally, when we find someone who we think we have a real connection with & all the signs are there that their intentions are the same sometimes something that has nothing to do with the two people involved rears its ugly head and causes some kinks in the chain that can cause us more heartbreak.  

Everyone who knows me, knows my family life has not been the greatest of stories. However, in high school I was lucky enough to meet a family through a guy I dated in high school that became my family. Now, this means that this guy is still in my life to an extent (such as family gatherings, holidays, occasional texting and phone calls) but only in friendship/family way.  This situation has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for relationships for me in the past but once the guys realize the reality of what it really is it has always been able to be overcome.  

Recently, I reconnected with another old high school friend who happen to be a mutual friend between this ex and myself. For the past couple of months we have been sharing conversations and outings which have been wonderful shared moments and experiences but last night I felt like I was slapped in the face with my life's circumstances.  Nathanial has had a bad experience with this mutual friend and fears that it might be a little awkward if he and I continued on the path we have been on.  After a few exchanges of me reassuring him that it will not be an issue and that there was actually very little interaction he stated, "let's just see what happens".  While part of me felt relief over hearing him say this, another part of me just broke down and was left standing in my shower crying and going to bed heartbroken 

because it is something I have no control over. The situation of this ex still being in my life resulted from being a teenager in the chaos and aftermath of divorce and abuse and divorce and neglect and this family took me in and made me part of their family and have remained a part of my life and remained my family over the past 16 years since the ex & I stopped dating one another and while I know it's hard for people to understand it is a part of my life I don't want to give up but I also feel like I shouldn't be penalized because my life circumstances are less than "normal".  

While I know I should focus more on the hope and optimism of the statement "let's just see what happens" and less on the thought that something that might be wonderful could end because of a little awkwardness but it didn't stop me from fearing that I will never find someone who will understand and accept me and my life and I am not willing to give up on something that could be wonderful because I have learned that the relationships that are truly great are worth fighting for. This leaves me not really knowing how to move forward.  

Hitting the Backroads

It was late on Sunday night and I really couldn't sleep so I went to sit outside under the gazebo when Nathanial called me.  He asked if I was up for a late night ride being up for most anything I said "Sure, Why not!"

I threw on some clothes and headed out the front door. I was taking my truck cause every smart girl should always think about her safety! The air was cool but nice and it was a perfect Texas Spring night.

We hit the roads and since I had not traveled these particular back roads in over 15 years this was going to be an adventure! We drove and talked and some how got lost and ended up in a neighboring town 30+ miles away but that was no big deal so we continued on.

At about midnight I was kind of tired of driving and wanted to stop somewhere for a bit and get out and walk around. We pulled over at an old cemetery that a group of us use to gather at when in high school for sessions of drinking and hanging out. By this time the wind had picked up so we didn't walk around very long. We climbed back into the truck and sat there talking about our pasts and experiences and where we were headed in life. It's nice sometimes just to have someone to share that type of thinking with.  It started to rain at first just a few drops but then the bottom fell out and it poured on us. We laughed because the windows of the truck had fogged up and thought it would be hilarious if an officer pulled up and we could honestly say we were sitting in the car talking!

We finally realized it was 2am (thank you for the time change finally) and while I worked a flexible schedule and could sleep in or take a nap if it pleased me, Nathanial had to get up at 6am to go to work.  So we turned the truck around and headed home enjoying a bit more conversation and confiding of secrets.  As I put the truck in park and pulled up to Nathanial's house we turned to finish our conversation and before I realized it Nathanial had leaned in and started to kiss me. His kisses were so soft and tender and passionate that I felt like I was melting into his arms. My hands stroked the length of his warm neck and all I could think was that I could kiss him forever.

An Unexpected Evening

Sunday was like any other Sunday around my house. The weather was beautiful and I spent most of the day outside working in the flowerbeds and sitting in my lawn chair reading James Patterson's 3rd Degree from the Women's Murder Club series.  

 As darkness approached I decided it was time to go inside and start my usual Sunday ritual of facial peels, pedicures, and other pampering techniques that I treat myself to.  

I turned on the tv but could not really get into anything and NaKoda was on alert barking at noises she was hearing outside.                                                    

I was a little scared because anyone who knows NaKoda, knows she doesn't bark often. So I texted an old friend, Nathaniel, who I had recently discovered lived down the street from me as I went to check outside at what was agitating NaKoda.  (Which turned out to be a kid walking between my house and a neighbors house who Koda proceeded to scare the fire out of).  While talking with Nathaniel he suggested coming over. It was late on a Sunday night and I wasn't exactly dressed for company but why not? 

I pulled on a pair of jean cut off shorts and a tank top brushed my hair out in time for Nathaniel to come over. We went outside for awhile and visited and listened to music while downing a couple of tequila shots and Nathaniel bonded with NaKoda.  After awhile though the wind picked up and the temp. dropped a bit and we moved inside.  

I sat on one of the 2 chaise lounges in my living room while Nathaniel went to the rest room. I flipped on the tv to see what I had on the dvr. As Nathaniel came into the living room he proceeded to sit on the same chaise I was sitting on. This sparked my attention because most of my company tends to sit on the second chaise. We sat like that for about 30 minutes before Nathaniel laid back on the chaise lounge against me. This sparked my attention again because I have never had a friend do this either but I would be lying if I said it bothered me because let's face it, Nathaniel is an attractive man, I have known him since we were teenagers and have been back in touch talking with one another for weeks.  However, I do have to admit I was surprised because I didn't realize he had this kind of interest in me and I wasn't sure if I did or not either. I have to admit it was a pleasant surprise though. 

We sat like that, his arm on my leg and his head against my abdomen watching television for awhile before he turned over to face me and buried his face in my chest and wrapped my leg around his waist. He gently stroked my leg (and all I could think was "thank God I decided to shave earlier that day!") and stroked his back as we sat, cuddled together for another hour or so both drifting to sleep.  

My thoughts exactly...............Joshua Radin You've Got What I Need

I heard this song a few weeks ago and recently it has applied to an aspect of my life...........