Another Chapter Closes

All day yesterday I was restless. 2009 had been a very long difficult year with many successes as well as many disappointments. I wanted to share the evening with someone and just not be alone.

I called friends and family to find out what they were doing to bring in the new year. I wasn't really interested in "partying" or being on the road for a long period of time but I didn't want to be alone, again this year on New Year's Eve. However, nothing happened. My best friend was fighting with her husband, my sister was spending it with her in laws, and I left messages for other friends but nothing was returned. All of this just reminded me of the fact that when I need friends there are none to be found, but the minute any of them want something from me, they don't hesitate to call and of course because I am a good friend and know what it's like to need someone and no one be there, I have always made myself available in the past.

The more the day passed, the more I realized, I am going to be alone, again. Fine. I put on my pj's, got my books, and curled up on the couch for a quiet night with my NaKoda. Even though I have kept up with taking of my antidepressants, the depression began to settle in when I realized it was after midnight the only contact I received was from my sister. At midnight she sent me a text message that said, "Happy New Year". That was nice. At least I knew my sister was thinking of me. If I had told her I didn't want to be alone she would have insisted I drive to Brownwood and spend the night with them, but of course I could not do that because my dog is an inside dog and she would not allow her in her house. Besides the fact that I don't have the gas money to drive there because I am trying to save up the money to put down on a new house there (hopefully) and I was just hit with the fact that I have to have foundation repairs done on my current residence.

But I digress, as I laid in bed reading my mind kept wandering back to the fact that I haven't been asked out on a date in about a year. I haven't even been asked out by friends in about the same amount of time, because I no longer desire to sit at the bars drinking over priced drinks and watch people get intoxicated. I passed the bar scene up years ago. Then I began to think about an email I had been exchanging with an old high school male friend for the past week or so, in which he and I had recently been discussing this same thing. I realized that because of the fact that there is nothing to do but go to the bars in my current area that I really did not have any options of meeting new people because of the fact that all my friends are married and no longer go out and the ones that do just sit belly up to the bars when they do go out.

Eventually, I decided to go ahead and take some sleeping pills because it was obvious my brain was not going to turn off enough to let me fall asleep.

This morning I woke up and didn't even have the desire to get out of bed, so I didn't. I stayed there until I couldn't stand to lay there any longer and got out of bed around noon. Then I thought, ok I am not going to sit here and be sad, I am going to get out. I am going to go do something, but what? I didn't have money to be throwing away. So, again I decided my only option would be to figure out something to do locally, but what? I didn't want to walk around stores aimlessly since there was nothing I needed locally and all I really want to do is hang out. It just made me realize once again how nice it would be to have someone to just hang out with....but the longer I am single the more I wonder if I will ever find that great love, friend, companion ever again to share my life with.

Deciding where to live..........

1. Understand what really matters

"Place is as important as having a job that challenges you, but not as important as relationships with family and friends." Richard Florida, professor at George Mason University and author of The Rise of the Creative Class

My personal work can be done from anywhere as long as I have access to high speed internet and a telephone.

2. Leave room for career flexibility

In my field I can pretty much find work anywhere. The problem is the interests in where I decide to locate. Will I have easy access to major cities for entertainment? Will cost of living be affordable? Where are my family and friends?

3. Don't relocate away from a spouse or significant other.

Since I am currently single without prospects this doesn't really matter to me but are there possibilities in any location?

I came across a question in my research, "think of a moment in my childhood that was really nice."

So I thought of a time: Well, sort of it was in my teenage years. It was in a place called Junction where time seemed to stand still. Open country, flowers, friendly people, rivers to swim in, pastures to wonder through for hours. Wildlife. Clear skies.

What you remember as really nice tells you something about where you belong. Whatever you thought of, learn something from this.

Where I belong is in nature. And in quiet. I can see my whole life as the process of coming to grips with the fact that I am not as fast and cool and cutting edge as I wish I were. I do not belong in a city. I belong in a small town at the most but would love to find a place in the country.

It’s scary to want things in life, mainly because we don't always know if we are going to get them, but I guess I need to keep these things in mind while I am trying to decide exactly where it is that I want to live.

Someone who has never left my mind after 14 years

When I was just 18 years old I met a guy, Michael. I met him through a guy I was dating at the time. We became very good friends and talked all the time. As the relationship I was in began to end there were a couple of nights that something could have happened between us but I was drunk and Michael was too much of a gentleman. Time passed and I moved away to Stephenville. More time passed and we talked when I went back home to visit. He started a relationship and I started a relationship and eventually married. More time passed but we apparently never forgot one another.

About 4 years ago when Michael learned I was single again he showed up in Stephenville. We talked and spent time together but after he left I never heard from him again and life got busy as it usually does and I moved on. Then a couple of months ago while I was in Brownwood I decided to stop by and see him. He was so happy to see me. We talked for a few hours and he ended up telling me he still had feelings for me - however, he was in a relationship and had been for quite some time (she was currently out of town). Once again the timing was all wrong for us!

I think about him all the time. He's tall, attractive, hard working, down to earth, simple. He would support me and care for me. He's a nice guy. I can't get him out of my head. He's always been there in the background of my mind. Have we missed our chance? What if he was the one? What if I let him get away all those years ago when I moved away? I have been thinking of writing him a letter (who writes letters any more?) but I don't know if I should. If I never tell him how I feel will I regret it? If I let him know how I feel would it make a difference?

so many questions and no answers. Sometimes I wish I could bounce these questions off of someone but I never talk to anyone about them - no one in my life knows about him (well Karen knows I have a friend that lives down the way from her and Robin knows about him but not how I feel)..............

Love and relationships

As the holidays approach and the another year nears an end I think about my love life. When will it be my time? When will I find love? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?

We see all these movies where people find these loves that they can not live without. Loves that consume them, that are so passionate that one would die without the other and the thought of this kind of love only depresses me because it is something I have never known.

There is not a guy that sits waiting for me. There is not a guy that longs to see my face, hold my hand and spend his life with me. There is no one to talk with, to share interests with, to spend long nights learning about one another, reading, listening to music, enjoying a walk, have a nice meal with, cook with or anything else. Sometimes I tell myself there is someone out there and he is just trying to get the courage up to speak to me, but that's not true either. If he was the right guy for me, he would have no problem speaking up.

It all just makes me very sad. There is nothing I would like more than to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, to take walks with, to see movies with, to cook for, to read to, to sit with, or any other wonderful activities we could think of.

A door closed..........does anyone see a window?

For the past couple of months I have been looking and hoping I would be able to purchase a house in Gordon. The house is across the street from my best friend. She's considering divorce and it would have been perfect. I would have been around to help her with her son, I would have been closer to my friend, and the community would have been more cost effective for my personal situation. However, after being on the market for the past year, it suddenly started showing after I looked at it. Then Friday evening a couple closed on the house and to make it worse, they aren't even going to be living in it, they bought it as a rental property! So, yet another door slammed shut for me.

Now, my house is still on the market and I have no intention of taking it off but since there are no other affordable properties in the Gordon area I am at a loss of where I would want to move to. Out of mere depression I have been playing with the idea of up and leaving the country and moving to Tuscany! Getting away from everything and everyone I know and starting life over in a new place but I know at this point in my life it's not a realistic plan. This leads me back to the same question: Where do I want to go?

Karen asked me if I would consider moving home to Brownwood and while I have looked at homes in Brownwood I don't know if I want to move back. It would put me closer to my niece and my sister and my little brother and his new wife and baby and I could touch base with some old friends that still live there, but then I would also be back in the same town as my biological father and still not wanting much contact with him.

Then I have also considered Eastland, Ranger, but I don't know if that's really where I want to be either. It would be nice to have some feedback from my friends in those areas to help me make my decision but I know this is my decision and I have to make it on my own.

Cheotherapy starts tomorrow

Karen's chemo starts tomorrow and I have sent her the Twilight Saga to keep her busy during her appointments and I have been trying to remain positive that everything is going to be fine and it's not going to be like it was 20 years ago with my mother but sometimes that is easier said than done.

Sometimes it is very difficult to realize that if something happens to Karen then I am alone. Karen is my family and without her I would have no where to go at holidays, no one to love me and I don't know how I would handle that.

Karen seems hopeful even if only for my benefit so I am going to try and listen to her and hope for the best.