Another Chapter Closes

All day yesterday I was restless. 2009 had been a very long difficult year with many successes as well as many disappointments. I wanted to share the evening with someone and just not be alone.

I called friends and family to find out what they were doing to bring in the new year. I wasn't really interested in "partying" or being on the road for a long period of time but I didn't want to be alone, again this year on New Year's Eve. However, nothing happened. My best friend was fighting with her husband, my sister was spending it with her in laws, and I left messages for other friends but nothing was returned. All of this just reminded me of the fact that when I need friends there are none to be found, but the minute any of them want something from me, they don't hesitate to call and of course because I am a good friend and know what it's like to need someone and no one be there, I have always made myself available in the past.

The more the day passed, the more I realized, I am going to be alone, again. Fine. I put on my pj's, got my books, and curled up on the couch for a quiet night with my NaKoda. Even though I have kept up with taking of my antidepressants, the depression began to settle in when I realized it was after midnight the only contact I received was from my sister. At midnight she sent me a text message that said, "Happy New Year". That was nice. At least I knew my sister was thinking of me. If I had told her I didn't want to be alone she would have insisted I drive to Brownwood and spend the night with them, but of course I could not do that because my dog is an inside dog and she would not allow her in her house. Besides the fact that I don't have the gas money to drive there because I am trying to save up the money to put down on a new house there (hopefully) and I was just hit with the fact that I have to have foundation repairs done on my current residence.

But I digress, as I laid in bed reading my mind kept wandering back to the fact that I haven't been asked out on a date in about a year. I haven't even been asked out by friends in about the same amount of time, because I no longer desire to sit at the bars drinking over priced drinks and watch people get intoxicated. I passed the bar scene up years ago. Then I began to think about an email I had been exchanging with an old high school male friend for the past week or so, in which he and I had recently been discussing this same thing. I realized that because of the fact that there is nothing to do but go to the bars in my current area that I really did not have any options of meeting new people because of the fact that all my friends are married and no longer go out and the ones that do just sit belly up to the bars when they do go out.

Eventually, I decided to go ahead and take some sleeping pills because it was obvious my brain was not going to turn off enough to let me fall asleep.

This morning I woke up and didn't even have the desire to get out of bed, so I didn't. I stayed there until I couldn't stand to lay there any longer and got out of bed around noon. Then I thought, ok I am not going to sit here and be sad, I am going to get out. I am going to go do something, but what? I didn't have money to be throwing away. So, again I decided my only option would be to figure out something to do locally, but what? I didn't want to walk around stores aimlessly since there was nothing I needed locally and all I really want to do is hang out. It just made me realize once again how nice it would be to have someone to just hang out with....but the longer I am single the more I wonder if I will ever find that great love, friend, companion ever again to share my life with.