Letting Go of My Father

I spent a lot of time with Alexandria and her son over the next few months talking about all the past issues we had with our fathers and how sometimes we just wished they'd understand, while her father seemed to be getting better at being a father, mine just seemed farther away.

Over the next few months I focused more on me and being happy and I let go of the need to have him in my life. The amazing thing is that he showed up again not too long after that wanting to be a part of my life. I gave him a chance. I went to visit him at Easter which was very uncomfortable, then I went to visit him for no reason and in he began calling once a week. The problem is that he never wants to hear the things I have to say, he cuts me off and begins talking about his 4 step grand children that he and his wife have custody of or talks about the money he has had to loan his step children. He never asks how I am doing, what has happened in my life over the last few years, or takes any kind of interest in me as a person. His only interest seems to be laying claim to what he thinks is his...his child.

My father doesn't seem to realize that he and I have never had a relationship. He seems to forget that for my entire childhood before my mother past away, when I came to visit from a child's point of view he wasn't plugged in. He didn't interact with me. He worked and when he was home he sat in his recliner watching television while he allowed his abusive second wife to reign over everything. Even after my mother passed away and I was forced to move in with him he fails to recall the situation didn't change and by the time I was a teenager and he wanted to start with his third wife I was over trying to have any kind of relationship with him because I hated him so much for not being there for me all those previous years.

It's so frustrating to me to still want to have that connection, to be someone's little girl but I know that until he recognizes and acknowledges his part in my childhood experiences then I can't have a relationship with him. The problem is how do I tell him this without hurting his feelings?

Letting go ............continued

All seemed well. I was working (more than I really wanted to), I was making new friends and started going out on Fridays with friends for drinks and dinner and I was getting a lot of work accomplished on my home.

I still sometimes had to deal with my passed issues but for the most part I was in a good place.

One of the issues I still struggled with was the desire to have my father be a part of my life even though I had given up on it long ago. He just never exhibited the desire to really know me, he never acknowledged his part in the traumatic events that occur ed in my childhood and without this I wasn't sure that I ever could have a relationship with him of any kind and I definitely did not a fake relationship with anyone. Life was just too short and I didn't want to waste mine chasing non realistic or fake relationships with anyone.

A second issue I was still dealing with and trying to resolve was the type of person I attracted. What was it about me that attracted broken souls? All the men in my life wanted someone to take care of them, all my friends had similar issues of child abuse, just exactly what was it about us that caused us to seem to gravitate towards one another and exactly what was it about me that seemed to cause me to be the center? Everyone seemed to lean on me, tell me their problems, and expect me to have all the answers? What is it about me that causes everyone to be around when they need something, but when I need something only one friend was ever there.

Alexandria and I met when she started working at the bar I worked at. We didn't get along at first, we think because we were both so much alike. Didn't take any shit and told it like it was. We both did all the drugs we could get our hands on, we both were going to school, we both had horrible family situations and we both desperately wanted someone who understood. We raised hell together even though we had very different circles of friends we always seemed to gravitate towards one another.

Today is my Birthday!!

Today is my birthday so I am going to take a little break/vacation and head to the place in Junction to relax, unwind, gather my thoughts, do a little meditation, some horseback riding and whatever else may come to mind!

I will return with more blog entries and continue the story of letting go when I return!

Thanks to all my readers for your support!

NaKoda

Letting go ............continued

My new beau and I (Wesley) previously knew each other when we both worked together at a local feed mill. He was a truck driver and I was the office manager. We were both divorced now and always had a pretty good work friendship previously so why not?

Things were pretty good. Wesley was easy going, laid back, and since he had four kids with his ex wife I thought that he wouldn't be around all the time. However, with him came along so much baggage and expectations that were so unreasonable that I ended things within 3 months.

I had a few more dates with various men who asked me out or friends set me up with and they all seem to just want to move too fast.

I was sad, because I really just wanted a companion to share some time with, talk about our lives, have fun together and of course a little adult fun as well! After all, I am a woman and we do have needs! I started realizing that people didn't know what dating meant anymore. They wanted to go from first date to living together within weeks of meeting one another and this was not acceptable to me. What happened to courting and romance and friendship? I was a cup o soup: just add water and get instant relationship!

I decided to stop dating again for awhile and just focus on my house. I had finally located employment that I thought was going to be long term at a place I thought I would enjoy. The neighbors harassment had slowed down to a dull roar so I just ignored him for the most part.

Things were starting to look up for me!

Letting go ............continued

The next few months were filled with horrible harassment from my neighbor. He continued with his campaign of harassment towards my dogs even though I explained to him over and over that teasing and acting aggressively towards them would cause them to re act in aggressive manners towards him.

The next few months went by in this manner until we ended up in court because one of the dogs did bite his wife. However, the dog bit her on our property and we proved that it happened on our property. Problem? Even if a dog attacks a person protecting their owners property they can still be considered dangerous. A load a crap if you ask me....isn't that what we have dogs for? If they are on their owners property then isn't it the trespassers fault if they are injured?

Oh well.

My best friend and I quickly built a fence to help keep the psycho neighbor off of our property. However, he continued to call the police and make false reports against me saying I was harassing him. The funniest part of it all was he would call and make accusations when I wasn't even home. Then I came home one day to find my house had been broke into. Nothing had been stolen, the only thing that happened was my dogs had been let out. Hmmmmm even though they couldn't prove it was psycho neighbor the police had a pretty good idea that it had been him.

I would come home to find notices on my door from animal control stating that a neighbor had called in saying my dogs were at large on days I hadn't been home all day and my dogs had been locked up in the house, I would be sleeping and be wakened by knocks on the door early in the morning only to discover that the neighbor had called reporting my dogs loose. This became so irritating I went off on the officer.

I couldn't move without this man calling the police on me for things that never happened.

I started dating an old friend and with him coming around I noticed the harassment stopped.

Letting go ............continued

A few weeks went by and life fell back into the norm. I was devastated by losing my Great Uncle Jack. He was so important to me! He was the best, most honest man I had ever known and now he was gone. Uncle Jack wouldn't want me to be sad, he would want me to pick myself up and continue on my journey. He would want me to be happy and so I NaNook and NaKoda and I returned back home to our life. We left the peaceful pastures of Junction and returned home.

Things went back to normal, I went to work, job hunted and grew more and more depressed because I was alone. My friends had abandoned me because they didn't agree with my leaving my ex, my family hadn't been in touch with me in years, my sister didn't understand how difficult life was and my best friend was all the way in Florida. To make things worse my psycho neighbor started harassing my dogs because he didn't like rottweilers.

Letting go ............continued

Jason left that night but he wasn't happy. I wasn't happy either. How dare he ask me to cancel my plans just because he came into town. He didn't call me, he didn't even ask me, and what made him think I would just drop everything in the first place.

He called and asked me if he could come to town the next weekend and I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. I told him I thought he was moving to fast and expecting things I was not willing to give. I told him I would like some time with myself and my friends. The first thing he said was, "are you seeing someone else?"
I was furious. I told him no but that if I was I didn't think it was any of his business because we were not exclusive.

A couple of weeks went by and I received some horrible news. My great uncle Jack had passed away. I was devestated. He meant the world to me. I was making arrangments to head to Junction for the funeral when Jason called. He wanted to come see me before he left for Africa again and wondered if he could come up that night. I told him no because I was leaving the next day for the funeral. Not a "I'm sorry for your loss" not a "can I do anything for you" nothing. His next statement was - "I know you are seeing someone else". I was so angry. I told him I didn't want to see him ever again and hung up the phone.