Taboo

Recently, I was watching a documentary on the National Geographic Channel called Taboo: Strange Love. One topic in this documentary was negotiated infidelity. In a time when some many relationships are unsuccessful this made me think about my own view of relationships and what may work for others. I can't say I agree with particular views but I do find them interesting enough to take a deeper look into and perhaps receive some feedback from readers on what their views might be on the subject as well.

According to Kathy Labriola Counselor/Nurse and her article ARE YOU OPEN TO AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE? Have You Considered Non-monogamy?? "...non-monogamy means having the freedom to be sexually and/or emotionally involved with more than one person. An ethical non-monogamous relationship is one that practices open honest communications about the sexual activities and that this type of relationship is made by choice."

It is believed that in previous times in history women's financial reliance upon men enabled men to "get away" with having affairs but the double standard was that women were not allowed to participate in extra marital affairs. However, as women have grown more independent and have demanded equal rights the idea of family values and relationship roles has changed. Women too have began engaging with multiple partners.

While some people are happy in monogamous relationships others seem to flourish in non monogamous relationships as well. Some people in non monogamous relationships engage with multiple partners but only maintain one intimate relationship. Some monogamous relationships engage in outside sexual relationships together while others have individual sexual encounters without their primary intimate partner. Some say being free to engage in sexual activities with multiple partners allows greater growth between the two intimate partners. When in a monogamous relationship if a partner is sexually attracted to an outside person they must struggle to suppress these feelings possibly creating resentment towards their partner, while those who are free to explore these sexual attractions experience an openness and honesty within their intimate primary relationship.

With my history of being in relationships that have not worked out I have started to think about options for relationships, whats out there that I don't have knowledge about, what works and what doesn't.........I am still unsure what I think about this type of relationship but I am curious to hear what your thoughts on the subject are too.

My attempt at meeting new people.........

I was reading recently and came across an article that said the dead have one message for us.......see you soon. I could just imagine taking a leisurely stroll through a cemetary (yes I walk through random cemetaries regularly - they are full of endless possibilities......who's buried here, how'd they die, what were their lives like and the peace and quiet helps me think) and hearing whispers of all those laid their whispering to me, "see you soon". Kind of eerie but true. None of us get out of here alive!

But, back to my original though: we are not here forever. We have to seize the moment! We have to get out there and meet strangers and not be afraid to be humiliated or rejected! We can not waste our lives waiting for the right moment to talk to that guy at the coffee shop or sit at home waiting for that guy to call who asked for our number 3 weeks ago and we still haven't heard from.

So, one of my new goals is going to be to get out there and meet as many strangers as I can! Wish me luck!

Equal Intelligence in a relationship.......is it important?

I have always been a person who thrives on knowledge. Even when I am not in school I am always reading about new things because I love knowledge. To me knowledge is power and learning new things helps to keep life interesting! Is it important to have someone who believes the same way?

When I was married I always felt I was smarter than my ex husband. I was always having to explain things to him that made common sense to me. My friends were all of higher educational backgrounds but my ex husband only had a high school education and he had no desire to advance any further. When friends were around sometimes conversations were strained and often on the drives home or what not I would end up having to explain things to him. This often left me annoyed and sometimes I resented being with someone who did not have a desire to learn new things.

Even now as I date, I notice differences in the men I date and if they can not hold an intelligent conversation I tend to not go out with them again. Is this really an important factor in a relationship or can people with different intelectual basis have a lasting and meaningful relationship?

Do I have a good healthy relationship with myself?

The first step towards finding someone to share a serious relationship is to have a good, healthy relationship with yourself. Before I am able to have true and meaningful relationships with others, I had to learn how to have a relationship with myself. By looking back over my life, I realized that there were many times in which I was not a very good friend to myself.

Slowly I began spending time with myself each day reflecting/mediatateing on my actions, and thoughts and feelings. Each day I asked myself where do I need to improve? Do I need to forgive myself or others for anything? As we all know the act of forgiving is more for ourselves than the person we need to forgive... Was there anyway I could be of service to someone or myself in any way? Each of these questions helped open the doors to my feelings and identifying my emotions. When I feel anxious or uneasy, I would work to identify what it is that was causing these emotions and write it down to work through it. Most of the time this feelings were based in fear. Fear wears many masks so finding the reason was often a process or journey.

I had to change my internal diaolouge too. I realized that through my past I had taken the place of some of my previous abusers. This was an uncomfortable process but the more I practice the easier it becomes.

Recently, I was doing some research on relationships in general and I stumbled across a website called Go Ask Alice! and found this list:

In a healthy relationship, you:

Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad

I think this is an excellent list for a healthy relationship! These are all the things I would like to experience in a relationship. I kept on reading Go Ask Alice! and there was another list:

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

I realized that these are the things I call "Red Flags". Whenever I feel a "red flag" going up I start to pay attention and often end further contact with a man when the "red flags" go up.

Recently, I went out with an old friend from high school. We weren't close but our paths crossed every now and then. He was quiet and nice and shy in high school. Things were very nice and relaxed and comfortable. I came back home to Stephenville and we continued calling and texting and even made plans to see each other again. However, I had a stressful week and ended up being sick and had to cancel. We continued talking and during one of our conversations he said something that caught my attention and threw up a "red flag" that I am not quite sure about. As we were talking about clothing (don't ask me how we got on that topic) I made a comment about high heels and he told me I was the tallest girl he had ever dated and that if I wore high heels he would make me take them off.... At the moment it pissed me off a bit and I made the comment back that he wasn't my daddy an I wore what I wanted. After I got off the phone with him though this conversation continued to pop up in my head randomly. We haven't even had a second date and he already told me he would make me do something????? As I look back on other conversations I realize there were other "red flags" too like it seems to be a major thing for him that when a couple is a couple that their money be combined. I am not sure how I feel about this and marriage seems to be very important to him but I may not ever want to actually go through the formality of marriage again but yet he doesn't appear to be open to compromise on either subject......these are "red flags" to me because compromise is a major factor of any relationship. No one can ever get there way all the time in any relationship.

I guess these are just more things I need to think about..........

Is this too much to ask for?

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I would ever get married again. This made me stop and think about all the comments my friends and family have made towards my love life since my divorce.

At first everyone told me how my ex husband wasn't good enough for me, how I'd was better off without him, and of course my favorite...there's someone out there waiting for me. These people didn't understand that "the first cut is the deepest" and that I gave my all to that relationship and that my heart needed time to heal. However, after some time alone and time to heal I was ready to get out there and start over again, but my constant question was; where? I am in my mid 30's, all my friends are married, I don't want to meet someone in the bars and I live in a small town, so again I ask; where?

Well, time went on and I tried the online meeting thing. I thought this would be perfect meet someone, talk on line and on the phone and really get to know them, but I seem to talk to weirdo after weirdo or they were just looking for a hook up and neither was what I wanted. Then I let a friend set me up with a couple of friends - yeah that didn't work out either. Then I dated a couple of guys I met through jobs and that never ends well so I decided to volunteer, go to the park with my dogs, go sit at the local coffee shop and read or work in the evenings, go to the local book store.....and still nothing.

Sometimes I know that I am fine by myself. Sometimes I meet someone and some piston's fire but not all of them and wonder if I will have to settle for someone that doesn't spark all the pistons. Then I talk to Karen and I don't think I should settle. I think that a relationship wouldn't be a lasting one if not all the piston's were firing.

Then it dawned on me, I don't want to do the random dating thing anymore. I want to be in love. I want to have someone to sit and read with, I want someone to take walks with, I want someone to help me paint the rooms in the house, I want someone who will take me out, who will cuddle on the couch with me, have long talks and laugh with. I want someone to share my life with who also excites me.

Is this too much to ask for?