Letting go ............continued

The next month rolled around and Jason was back. He called and wanted to go out. He wanted to send me the gas money to come up and wanted me to spend the weekend. I told him I couldn't because of my dogs, but that I would come for the evening. I drove up, we went to dinner and went to a local bar. It was getting late so I headed home even though Jason was being persistent about me spending the night. I just wasn't ready for a physical relationship yet.

The new week started and I went back to work. I spoke with Jason on the phone that night after work and he was trying to talk me into driving to Abilene. I informed him that I had to work the next day and wasn't going to drive to Abilene. He said he would drive to me, but I told him it was already getting late, and I couldn't be up late so it just wasn't a good idea.

The next night after work my phone rang. It was Jason. He told me he was in town. I told him he should have called because I had dinner plans with friends that night and wasn't going to be home until later. I invited him to come to eat with us, but he didn't want to. He became upset that I wasn't canceling my plans but I informed him that he should have called and that he couldn't expect me to cancel on my friends just because he showed up unannounced.

A red flag went up and I took note of it.

Letting go ............continued

I met a guy - Jason. He worked in the oil industry. He worked on a rig in Africa and lived in Abilene. He was the friend of a friend's boyfriend. He had a 6 yr old son whom lived in East Texas. When he was home he drove to see him every other weekend. Ok, this could be casual. This might be the best way to get back into the dating world. I would only be able to see him two weekends a month maximum, especially since I was working nights and wasn't being paid very well where I was working! This would be perfect for me!

My friend put us in touch via email because he was in Africa working at the time. We emailed back and forth for a month before he returned home to Abilene. Upon his return he called me and asked if I wanted to do something that following weekend. I wanted to but I didn't have the money to go to Abilene so he decided to come here, instead. I told him he couldn't spend the night so he would either have to drive home or get a hotel. He said he was ok with that so it was on. We went out to eat and then went and played some pool. It was getting late and I had some things to do at home still since my days were nights and my nights were days. Jason said he should be getting on the road so we called it a night and I went home and he headed towards the interstate.

We weren't able to see each other again before he left for Africa but we spoke on the phone quite a bit and began emailing again while he was gone. This was perfect for me. Not too involved, not too much responsibility, and with emailing we were really talking and getting to know each other.

I was job hunting a lot during the next month because I hated where I was working. The hours sucked, every time I put in for any type of advancement I was blocked, the pay was ridiculous and something had to give but it wasn't going to be me.

I found another job (day job) at a local farm equipment store, but I knew from the first day I wouldn't be staying there long either.

Letting go ............continued

Well, the fire was put out and I made it back home around 6am that morning. I contacted the insurance agent and the fire investigator a little later that morning. Now, instead of selling the property I was going to have to lead a massive clean up of the property and the trash he left in the shop carport before I could sell it. The hits just keep on coming.

Meanwhile, I continued to try and keep on surviving. At this point, I was so stressed out and now for some reason my jerk ex thought he was entitled to some of the insurance money! HA HA I couldn't laugh any harder. This asshole even had the nerve to show up on my door step when I wouldn't return any of his calls. I immediately called the police because the restraining order was still in effect but of course he was gone before they arrived (and I live about 9 blocks from the police department). I was so angry. I went off on them. I told them that it was bullshit that I was unable to have anything done and that as long as he was gone before they arrived he was home free. I asked them what was I supposed to do if he had broke in, if he had tried to harm me....what would they do when he arrived and I was dead or better yet he was because they failed to provide any resolution to his harassment?

The fire investigator finally finished his investigation and the insurance company began paying out. The bad side, while the fire investigator believed it was arson and that my ex had set the fire there wasn't enough evidence to prove he did. Once again, he was getting off without a scratch. This was the luckiest bastard I had ever met.

I moved on and every evening for a month after work I drove out to the property and continued to knock down the remaining structure of the house and carry it off. My little brother and his step father were nice enough to come and help me with the backhoe to dig a hole and burn what was left that would burn. Eventually, everything was cleaned up and cleared off and I was able to sell the property. I was shocked when I actually got more for the property than I had paid for it but the housing market was booming! I took the money and paid off the remaining loan. With what was left over I began making improvements to my new home. Life was moving on and I was determined to as well.

After all, it had been a year sine I left my ex and the divorce had been final for over 6 months at this point.

This is what I was left with ..................

Letting go ............continued

I was woke at about 3am by a phone call. The caller ID said __ __ police department. The caller stated she was with the __ __ police department and that everyone needed to get out of the house because it was on fire. I jumped out of the bed, threw on some clothes and my dogs and I walked outside. No fire trucks, no police, no fire! You can imagine my confusion. I told the woman I thought she had the wrong number because I was outside my home and there was no fire. She asked if this was the residence of ____ _____ and I told her yes. She asked me my address and I told her. She asked if I had a home in Lingleville as well and it dawned on me what was happening. There was a fire at the home I had placed on the market to sell that day. The home that I had retained pocession of in the divorce because my ex failed to act. That bastard had set the house on fire! The caller asked me if their was anyone in the home to my knowledge. I stated to her the situation and that no one should be in the home and if there was they were trespassing. I told her I would be out at the property in about 15 minutes.

I harnessed the dogs, jumped in the truck and headed to the property. Once I turned off the highway and onto the county road I could see the fire. I grew more angry with each mile I drove. Upon arriving I spoke with the officers and explained to them the situation. I asked who called in the fire and had they talked to any of the neighbors. They informed me that one of the neighbors had called it in and stated that they had seen my ex's truck and another vehicle on the property earlier that evening. I let the police know that no one had permission to be on the property other than myself. The police said they needed to speak with my ex so I gave them the only contact numbers I had for him, which were his parents and his brothers.

Upon reaching his parents the police were told that their sons had all gone out of town on a camping trip and had left the day before. The police informed them they needed to get in touch with him immediately and demanded a contact number. As I sat on the tailgate of my truck watching the firemen work I realized this asshole wasn't going to stop. He had succeeded stealing my truck without the police doing anything, he had been driving by and harrassing me at my new home - including stealing my mailbox which officers made him return but did nothing about, he had succeeded with calling me on the phone and harrassing me and had only been picked up one time out of all the harrassment and now a fire.........what was it going to take before the police put a stop to this? How long was he going to hold on to harrassing me before he stopped? He had even driven by my new house at one point and dialed my house number (or maybe his cell dialed because it was actually a background conversation I heard on my answering machine) and had a girl in the truck he was telling that this was my house as he drove by.

What was it going to take to make it him stop?

Letting go ............continued

I continued on to my destination without returning any of the calls. Upon my arrival I called the one person other than my attorney that knew where I was and discussed the events with him. This man was like a "great uncle" to me. He had been through a similar experience with a past wife when he was younger. We discussed why he stayed and why I was leaving. Even though he was of the generation that did not believe in divorce he understood that sometimes that was the only option and he also understood what I was feeling and that this was not an easy decision for me. He understood that I loved the husband I married but that he had changed and this was not a person I wanted in my life.

A few days after arriving at this location my attorney contacted me to let me know that he had been served with the divorce papers and the restraining order. She stated that it was reported back to her that he was not happy. He was informed what would happen if he violated the orders. My cell phone started blowing up. I eventually turned the phone off because he would not stop calling. I began making arrangements for the division of assets and had a locksmith change the locks on the house and shop. I worked, I attended class online. I pampered myself and my dogs and spent the days riding horses, taking photographs, playing with the dogs and taking in the local culture!

Three weeks later I decided it was time to return home. My soon to be ex husband had left word with my attorney that he didn't want anything (the house, the business, anything that I could have it all and that I was right and deserved better than him). I returned home and fell back into day to day life while waiting for things to be finalized. This did not look like it was going to take long because he wasn't asking for anything. However about a week after I returned home his lawyer started contacting my attorney stating that he had changed his mind. He wanted the house and the business. I informed my attorney that was fine, showed proof of where the money came from for both and stated I wanted to be bought out of both. I also requested that he return the key to my truck which I had purchase prior to our marriage and that he keep the truck I had purchased for the business. When he realized that he would have to buy me out he became livid. He started making threats to the point that his own attorney became worried. He started becoming beligerant and hostile and making rediculous demands such as custody of my dogs. His lawyer laughed. My lawyer informed his attorney of all the proof I had of his illegal actions and informed him that if he did not make this quick and easy I was prepared to bring all of this information out in court. His lawyer advised him to stop his behavior.

A few days went by and we didn't hear anything. Then one night as I was sitting in my bed working on a paper for class I heard a vehicle pull into my drive way. I looked out the window to see who it was because it was so late. I saw him walk around to my truck and get in and drive off. I called the police, informed them of the situation and that he had just stolen my truck. They said they would be on the look out for it but that this was a civil matter and would need to be addressed by the court. I informed them that if I found the truck before they did there were going to be bigger issues. I quickly began contacting every person I knew he knew. I informed them all that the truck had been reported stolen and that if they didn't want the police showing up on their door steps it was in their best interest to not let him on their property in my vehicle and to call and let me know where he was. Eventually, I discovered him at his brother's house in a neighboring town. I went to get in his truck to head there and realized something was wrong. He had taken the battery out of his truck. Bastard!

I contacted a friend who said she would give me a ride. I drove to his brother's house because they definately didn't want the police at their door step since he was involved in the same activity that my soon to be ex was and they kept him there while I got in the truck, started it up and drove off. He was so pissed off. He began calling my cell and the house leaving messages that he was threatening me. I drove to the police department with the copy of the restraining order and let them hear the messages. He was picked up at his brothers house and arrested.

A few days went by and my attorney informed me that his attorney had stated that he could not get in touch with him. I told them that was not my problem and we were proceeding with or without him. I was done. That evening as I was working out in the yard he pulled up on the property. I reached for the phone and called the police and set the phone down. He got out of the truck and started threatening me. I told him he needed to leave and let him know the police were on their way. He attacked me and began choking me. I fought back and punched him in the throat. My dogs began biting him and jumping on him and barking. He let go. I called the dogs off and ran into the house. I locked the doors and picked up the other phone extension and got my gun. I informed the operator what had just happened, where I was at, and let her know i had a gun and if he broke into the house I would shoot. He pounded at the door hollering and screaming. Then it became silent.

I looked out the window to see if he had left and I saw him with two of his guns standing in the front yard. I let the operator know that he had two guns in the front yard. I could hear her convey this. About 45 minutes went by and the police showed up and arrested him. Of course he tried to tell the police I had started the incident but since I had papers showing he wasn't even supposed to be there that was all she wrote and away he went.


After that incident I didn't hear from him. His lawyer never heard from him. He didn't show up to the court hearing. I made the decision that i was going to sell everything and start over. I put the house up for sell. 3 days after the divorce was final the house mysteriously caught fire.

Letting go ............continued

I began checking the cell phone bill, and figuring out exactly where it was that he was spending his time. I would go by job sites and discover he had not been at any of them all day and that no one had heard from him. By doing this I discovered that some of the people he was hanging out with were not so desirable and actually had prior records with mostly theft, burglary, and drug charges. I also discovered that one particular house he was spending a lot of his time at was a major drug dealer in the area.

I gathered all my proof and sent it off to my attorney and my "mother". I packed my bags and made arrangements to go out of town to a family property. I waited for him to return home one morning after staying out all night. When he arrived he looked like crap and I new I had made the right decision. I informed him that I knew what was going on with him. I told him that I was not going to risk my life and my happiness because he had decided to be engaging in drug activity. I told him that I was leaving town for awhile and that by the time I got back he needed to decide if he wanted to married to me, or not. I told him that the decision to stay married meant that he could not engage in the activity he was involved in and that he had to go to therapy or rehab. It was his choice. I told him this was not open for negotiation. I loaded up my dogs and I left. I stayed gone for two weeks.

While I was away he called several times. He stated he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I agreed to my terms. I told him I would call and make arrangements for the therapy session. He wanted me to attend with him so I agreed. I called made an appointment and then called and told him I would be arriving back home an hour prior to the appointment and that we would drive together. (the appointment was 3 days away).

I called him that morning and asked him if he still wanted to attend the therapy and make efforts to fix things. He said he did. I informed him that I would be home in a few hours and we would start. I drove home and about half an hour prior to arriving back to town I called the house. No answer. I called his cell phone. No answer. I continued driving home to discover he was not there. I called his cell phone again. No answer. I left him a voice mail that I was home and was about to leave to go to the session. I gave him directions and told him that this was his last chance and if he backed out I would be driving to the attorney's office after the session to start divorce proceedings if he did not show up.

I arrived at the therapy session and spent an hour in session. He never showed. I talked to the therapist about what this meant. I left and drove straight to the attorney's office and asked her to start the paperwork. I informed her that I would be leaving town for a couple of weeks and that I wanted a restraining order from the property for him because he had become abusive during some of his eratic behaviors and pushed and shoved me around and I didn't want anything to escalate. I gave her my contact information. I drove out to the house, I packed up clothes and personal items, loaded the truck and the dogs and I headed out. I did not tell anyone other than my attorney and the person who owned the property where i was going that I was leaving or where I would be.

Later that night as I was headed to my destination my cell phone started ringing. I let it go to voice mail each time. At first it was him several times. Each message was angrier and angrier about where I was, what was I doing, and so on. Then they became desperate. "don't leave me, I don't want to lose you, I'll get better." all promises I did not trust. Then his family members started calling me. Then some of his friends. "you don't understand what you are doing to him. Why are you doing this? You need to call him." Each call made me angrier and angrier. No one wanted to help me when I was worried that he was involved with something that could harm him. No one wanted to help when discovered that his problem was meth. Now, that I had followed through on my word and did what I told him I was going to do, his entire world suddenly wanted to help. TOO LATE!

Letting go ............continued

A few years went by and I met my husband (now ex husband). Everything was great in the beginning. We dated for a year, lived together for a year and then married in 2001. It was wonderful. We worked together as a team very well. With no children life was great! We traveled, had adventures, built our business, I attended school and worked outside our business full time and life was good. He was very caring, nurturing and attentive.

About 4 years into our marriage I started to notice that he had changed. His behaviors had changed. He started complaining about how much time I spent on my school. He started coming home later, I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone frequently. People started showing up at the house that I had never met before. His behavior was becoming eratic. Instead of coming in the house when he got home he would stay out in his shop for awhile. He wanted to travel less, he stopped going on adventures like rock climbing, camping, boating, exploring new towns, etc with me. I tried to talk to him to find out if there was an issue but he never would say anything was wrong.

The behaviors got worse and worse. It seemed like the more successful our business grew and the closer I was to finishing school the worse he became. One night he failed to come home and would not answer the phone. I was so worried, I called his mother and a couple of his friends and one of his brothers. Everyone said they had not heard from him. I was up all night worried. He showed up around daylight as if he had done nothing wrong and would not tell me where he had been. I put all the cards on the table and told him that I was not going to be in a relationship with someone who did not have enough respect for me to at least pick up a phone and call and let me know he was ok. I wanted to know where he had been all night and he just kept saying with friends. I was in no mood to argue with him so I told him that I was not going to put up with his eractic behavior any longer and if he couldn't tell me what was going on then he needed to make a decision about if he wanted to be in this marriage or not.

Over the next few weeks his behavior became worse and worse. Contractors were calling me saying he hadn't shown up to job sites, strange people were calling the house and coming by more and more, and his behavior flew off the charts of weirdness. He became very paranoid about people breaking into the shop. I would catch him sitting in the house in the dark staring out the windows saying that cars had been driving by (we lived 13 miles out in the middle of no where on a dirt road that had very little traffic ever) he would go to town to do something and not come back for hours on end with no contact. I was fed up.

Since he wouldn't tell me what was going on and none of his friends or family "seemed" to know anything I decided I was going to have figure it out on my own.

Letting go ............continued

When I was about 15 years old I met a guy, Richard. We hit it off quickly and became fast friends. We both liked fast cars,played basketball, enjoyed similar tastes in music and had come from difficult, broken families. We hung out all the time. I met his mother. She was a very caring and nurturing person. She took me under her wing and we became very close. As the years went by this is where I spent holidays, this is where I went when I was sick, needed help or was just feeling lonely and wanted to be around people! I discussed my past, life, my family, everything with this woman! She guided me and helped me when my own "family" had turned their backs on me because they simply didn't want to be bothered with me after my mother had passed away. This woman fed me when I was too broke to buy groceries and all my friends were home with their families being fed. This woman paid for my doctor's appointments when I was too broke to afford them but desperately needed to go to one because I couldn't afford to take time off from the 2 jobs I had while in high school just to pay for rent and electricity. This woman was everything to me.

I was not willing to give her up if she was willing to keep me! I felt so alone in the world all ready because my friends didn't understand what was going on in my life. They had no idea I had no family. They had no idea I was working two jobs to pay bills because I never had friends to my house, instead I always went to their houses. They had no idea about the abuse I suffered, most people didn't even know my mother had died before I moved to Brownwood. I don't know what they thought, but my "friends" really didn't know much about me - they just knew what I allowed them to see. To my "friends" I was the athlete, the smart one, the fiesty one, who was a good friend to them and always there when they needed me. That was all I was willing to share with anyone at that point. No one really cared enough to earn my trust I felt.

I went on through life in high school playing sports, working, getting good grades and being the happy girl who everyone loved to hang out with! Even today as people from those years send me friend requests I realize how many "friends" I had back then, but how little they really knew about me.

Letting go ............continued

In late 1996 I began dating an old high school boyfriend. We had experienced a bumpy relationship when he first went off to college; mainly because I had cheated on him with my best friend and he had cheated on me with a couple of people but when I moved to Stephenville I thought we had put that all behind us. However, on New Year's Eve we had made plans between my shifts at the bar and when he was late and didn't answer I thought he might have fallen asleep and I went to his apartment. I knocked on the door and no answer so I opened the door to go in and discovered him on the couch having sex with a girl he swore that he was just friends with. This crushed me. I was devestated because I had opened my heart up again and tried to trust someone again and not surprisingly I had once again been let down.

I tried to move on. I tried not to let it bother me but I felt myself closing off. I felt my heart growing darker and colder with each passing day. The worst part of it all was I slowly saw myself reverting to old self destructive habits. I couldn't handle knowing I would have to see this person for the rest of my life and keep his ugly secrets to protect his family. The thing that no one realizes is that since the time I was 16 years old, his mother had "adopted" me so to speak. I had spent holidays with his family. His grandmother had become my grandmother, his great uncle had become my uncle. His family was the only "family" I had for years. What was I going to do? Tell them all that their son, brother, nephew, grandson was a no good lying cheat? Was I going to walk away from the only people that ever excepted me or treated me as one of their own. This tortured me. I didn't know what to do.

I began "partying" all the time. I drank more than I ever had. I quite going to therapy because I didn't want to deal with the issues. I had so much pain in my past, I had so much current pain, I did not know what to do. I started "dating" again. Isn't that what people say when they don't want the to tell the truth? The truth was I started using men to satisfy one need and one need only. When I was satisfied, I was done with them and I would move onto the next one when I felt the need. If I happen to come across a nice guy that wanted an actual relationship with me, I would use him, abuse him, chew him up and spit him out when I was thru with him. A friend's boyfriend once told one of the "nice guys" that he better be on his toes with me, because I was a man eater. I really never gave that any thought until a few years later.

A few years went by like this before I reached another place in which I wanted to make changes.

Letting go ............continued

Therapy can help a person put order back into a chaotic life. It can help sort out the issues that cause us to behave the way we do and desire the things we do. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over; expecting different results.

In my therapy sessions I was comfortable enough for the first time in a long time to talk about the traumatic issues I had experienced in my life such as the sexual, physical and emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother's boyfriend and girlfriend. I was desperately afraid to talk to my mother about it because she was lying in bed dying from cancer. I was able to talk about the issues I had with my father because I felt neglected by him. I was able to talk about my mother's death, moving in with my father and his physically and emotionally abusive wife. I was able to talk about how I was alway made to feel like I wasn't part of their family unit. I was able to discuss my own self destructive behavior because as you may know - when the abuse stops we often become our own abusers if we do not deal with our issues.

With each session I began to realize I had been so busy surviving life circumstances that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. This lead me to start discovering the things I was interested in such as painting, writing, photography, education, spiritualality, music, and so on and so on. I began reading books about different philosophies, healing, places of interests, and just started to discover myself. I realized that life could be good; if I made it so. I realized that I was worth something - to myself; if to no one else. I realized I was talented and smart. I realized that I like me; just the way I was.