As we put ourselves out there each time our heart is broken just a little bit with each person we open ourselves up to.
Somehow though we learn to cry a few tears, bandage our hearts and move forward in our efforts to find a partner, a friend, a companion, a lover.
Finally, when we find someone who we think we have a real connection with & all the signs are there that their intentions are the same sometimes something that has nothing to do with the two people involved rears its ugly head and causes some kinks in the chain that can cause us more heartbreak.
Everyone who knows me, knows my family life has not been the greatest of stories. However, in high school I was lucky enough to meet a family through a guy I dated in high school that became my family. Now, this means that this guy is still in my life to an extent (such as family gatherings, holidays, occasional texting and phone calls) but only in friendship/family way. This situation has always been somewhat of a stumbling block for relationships for me in the past but once the guys realize the reality of what it really is it has always been able to be overcome.
Recently, I reconnected with another old high school friend who happen to be a mutual friend between this ex and myself. For the past couple of months we have been sharing conversations and outings which have been wonderful shared moments and experiences but last night I felt like I was slapped in the face with my life's circumstances. Nathanial has had a bad experience with this mutual friend and fears that it might be a little awkward if he and I continued on the path we have been on. After a few exchanges of me reassuring him that it will not be an issue and that there was actually very little interaction he stated, "let's just see what happens". While part of me felt relief over hearing him say this, another part of me just broke down and was left standing in my shower crying and going to bed heartbroken
because it is something I have no control over. The situation of this ex still being in my life resulted from being a teenager in the chaos and aftermath of divorce and abuse and divorce and neglect and this family took me in and made me part of their family and have remained a part of my life and remained my family over the past 16 years since the ex & I stopped dating one another and while I know it's hard for people to understand it is a part of my life I don't want to give up but I also feel like I shouldn't be penalized because my life circumstances are less than "normal".
While I know I should focus more on the hope and optimism of the statement "let's just see what happens" and less on the thought that something that might be wonderful could end because of a little awkwardness but it didn't stop me from fearing that I will never find someone who will understand and accept me and my life and I am not willing to give up on something that could be wonderful because I have learned that the relationships that are truly great are worth fighting for. This leaves me not really knowing how to move forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment