Spilling Over

Do you ever feel like there's so much raining down on you that you have so much frustration and anxiety built up that you feel like you are physically spilling over at the seems?

When most people feel this way they turn to their friends and family. These people are supposed to be the ones that love us the most, lift us up when we are down, comfort and nurture us and provide us with a soft place to fall. However, in my life, there have been few people like that in my life. Because of the attacks I suffered throughout my childhood and young adult years I grew very jaded and unable to trust and this makes it difficult for me to create and maintain lasting bonds.

I have been blessed enough to have built a lasting relationship with a mother figure, Karen, a best friend/sister Robin, and a somewhat strained relationship with my older sister. However, sometimes I feel like I don't have good things to share often enough with them and I don't want to just dump all my stresses on them so I bottle it up until it just starts spilling over.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to open up and let people in but in the past when I have opened up and tried to form friendships they seem to fake. All they want to do is sit at the local bar and pay for over priced drinks or sit up all night drinking in someone's house. I don't know if anything is wrong with that but some reason in my life I just want to have a slower paced, more relaxed existance and build friendships based on more than sitting up drunk all night.

I don't know what this all means or if it means anything at all I just know that sometimes it helps me to write about it.