Letting go.........theaputic writing

From the moment my dad and Jamie picked me up to move in with them after my mother passed away I felt like I was a misfit. I felt like I was being punished but I had no idea what I had done to be in trouble for. When the family went on outings I was often left behind. Why wasn't I allowed to go? Wasn't I part of the family? If I was allowed to go along I was often sent to another room....why wasn't I allowed to play with the other kids? When we were home I was sent to my room, not allowed to sit in the living room and hang out with my sisters and brother. I was always made to clean the kitchen, dust, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, I felt like I had no purpose except to do chores and when I wasn't doing chores I had to be in my room.....I just didn't understand why. What had I done that was so terrible? I heard Jamie telling people that I was grounded but I had no idea what I had done to be grounded all the time.....

Jamie often told me she didn't want me there. She told me my father didn't want me there and that there was no room in their family for me. She told me they were going to send me away if I wasn't good so I did everything I could to be good. I did all the chores she asked me to do but no matter how hard I tried I was always grounded to my room. Chores and room, chores and room.......I was sick and tired of sitting in my room.

I watched my dad go to work and come home and sit in his chair and watch tv. I watched him play with Amanda and Phillip and Christina and wondered why he didn't want to play with me.. I didn't understand.......why didn't he love me too? I was his daughter too!

A couple of years went by and I grew accustomed to being isolated. I even began to enjoy it. I sat in my room and read books day and night. If I was allowed outside I would take a book and sit for hours reading. I remember one time a neighbor from across the street saw me sitting in the front yard reading my book and he walked over and talked to me. I thought he was nice, I saw him outside with his little girl all the time playing with her, helping her ride her bike and sometimes I even wished he was my dad playing with me. I told him I was reading The Secret Garden....I imagined I was lost in my own little place where Jamie couldn't find me and I wasn't grounded.

Soon, things started to change around the house. Jamie went out alot at night. I wasn't grounded anymore but I had to babysit Amanda and Phillip all the time. When dad got home I would go down the street to Shannon's or Michael's and we would wonder around in the fields in Camp Bowie. I was finally free! I had friends, a place to go somewhere I didn't feel bad all of the time. Then it started. Jamie and dad were fighting all the time. Jamie was staying out longer and longer. She was almost never home anymore and when she was she would say horrible terrible things. She soon moved into my room which meant I had no where to sleep at night. I slept on the couch. Then one day I came home from school and she was gone. Most of the furniture was gone. The cabinets were almost empty. What was happening? Where did all of out stuff go? Dad came home that night and said Jamie had moved out. Then he left. I went down to Michael's and told him what had happened.

For the next few months it was strange. Dad worked alot. He came home and sat in his chair and watched tv. Christina moved in with Jamie. I never saw her. I was spending alot of time at Michael's and Shannon's because I didn't want to be at the house alone, besides their mothers made dinner and I was hungry. I didn't eat breakfast and never had money for lunch so by the time dinner rolled around I was starving and since we didn't have groceries in the house and no one was ever there it made sense to eat at friends houses. Then I started to notice that dad wasn't there in the evenings either. Where was he going? What was he doing? Why was I all alone? I decided to go see what was going on over at Jamie's with Christina, Amanda, and Phillip. I walked across town to Jamie's apartment. I knocked on the door and she answered. She told me I couldn't be there because I wasn't her daughter. What? Then why was Christina there? She wasn't her daughter either! I left feeling so hurt. Where was everyone going off to and why wasn't I allowed to be a part of anything?

I decided I didn't care. I would be fine on my own! I didn't need anyone! I was 14, I was almost old enough to get a job, I could babysit, I would find things to do! I started babysitting kids in the neighborhood, and they would tell their friends and there were times when I would end up with 10 kids a night on a weekend! Wow!! That was work, but it paid for food! I started hating being home alone so I would walk from one end of town to another to go to friends houses or parties, or whatever friends were doing at that time. No big deal! This was working! I was doing ok!

I started meeting people who were older than me. This was cool! They called me, and came by and picked me up! This was awesome! I finally felt like people wanted me around! Then they introduced me to other ways of making money that wasn't so hard, I still had plenty of time to hang out with friends, and no more babysitting! Just because it wasn't legal didn't mean anything! Hell, I was 14 what did I know?

Then things started changing again. For some reason Christina was staying at the house again. Still didn't know why dad wasn't there or if he was there or where he was when he wasn't there, but I really didn't care. I was going on with my life! Then dad disappeared all together. Hmmm...oh well. Things were moving fast! Life was exciting! Between school, and friends I forgot about feeling like no one loved me!

Then one morning I woke up because I heard a noise in the living room. What was that? Who was there?