Letting go ......................continued

I threw on my house coat and stepped out into the hallway to see a woman standing at the dining table going through our mail.........how strange.........who breaks into someone's house just to go through their mail!?????

I asked this woman who she was and what was she doing in my house. She said, I'm Debbie. Well, who the hell was Debbie? This meant nothing to me. I told her to put our mail down and get out of our house. She did. Hmmm what the hell was that all about?????

I locked the front door and realized.......this woman had a key to the house........

Later that night my dad shows up and asks me what I think of her. I tell him I don't know what to think about a woman who walks into a house where the people inside have no idea who she is and then she just riffles through things like she belongs there. He said, "well what would you think if we got married?" I told him, I hoped he would wait until we were out of school. He said no, they were getting married and we would be moving in with her at her house. I told him I would rather die and walked out.

Here he was again, marrying another person who he didn't know for very long, making decisions about our lives without even discussing things with us. He didn't care about what I thought he was hoping I would say, "great dad!" He was going to do what he wanted to do no matter what I thought! This just proved to me yet again he didn't care about me.

They married and I moved in, but I wasn't a part of anything. I continued to "work", played my sports, went to school, and stayed away from the house as much as I could. Debbie tried to include me as part of the family, but I wasn't having any part of it and I made it very clear to her. Hell, I was 15 years old and I didn't need a family.........I had done just fine without one so far! He had waited too long to try and be the happy family........he should have thought about that along time ago!

We ended up in court and I was emanicpated. I moved out on my own and made some horrible decisions and experienced some horrible situations because of being so young and out on my own. People used me, I used them, I made mistakes, decisions I would never had made if I were alittle bit older and wiser. I was spiraling out of control and it was all based on the loss of my mother, the abuse I suffered, the neglect and abandonment of my father and it just seem to get worse and worse.

All along I just wanted to be someone's little girl. I just wanted to belong. After many years of being my own abuser and making self destructive decisions I finally realized that he was never going to be who I wanted him to be. My dad didn't understand what he had done and how his actions had effected my life. In 1996 I decided I needed to move away to start over and get away from the people and the life I had been living. I knew I needed to start treating myself better and the only way I was going to make a clean break was to leave.

One day I packed up all my belongings, I quite my job (yes I eventually got a real job but I still did other things on the side) and I left. I wanted to be close enough to my niece to visit her and I wanted to be close enough to my siblings to still have relationships with them, but I had to leave. I had to get away, I had to start over or I feared that I would not be around much longer. My life was quickly spiraling out of control and if I continued on this path I would not survive much longer.........