Sometimes the silence says it all....................

As I have walked through life there have been many experiences that have written on the slate of who I am. There have been many negative experiences that I was not shielded or protected from and have hurt me deeply and even all these years later continue to effect me.  It seems no matter how hard I try to get over certain feelings  or put the hurt behind me and move on I keep being hurt because my needs were never met and continue to be neglected.

Sometimes I think I am being silly by letting the things get to me and I wish I could just not let them get to me.  My birthday was last Sunday. Yes, it's just another day for every person in the world but to me and those who are supposed to care for me I think it should be a day to celebrate but since my mother's death when I was a small child it just has never seemed to be a special day for anyone but me.

After my mother's death and I had to go live with my biological father and his 2nd wife all the other kids in the "family" always had parties and for those who had warm weather birthdays they often were able to have birthday parties at my step grandparents pool. I always wanted a pool party but was never allowed to have one.  For the 3 years that I lived with my biological father and his 2nd wife, she always made the same two things on my birthday (that she knew I disliked) pot roast and a pineapple upside down cake.  I always wondered why she made the these two things even though she knew I didn't like them.  After their divorce the Summer between my 8th grade year and 9th grade year, my birthday was just never celebrated by family. Of course in high school my friends always went out and of course we "partied" and that was always nice but over the years those friend disappeared. My sister and my niece use to call me every birthday morning and sing happy birthday to me but as my niece go older the calls turned into a text from my sister and last year's text didn't come until bed time and then this year not a word from them even when I texted my sister.

The morning of my birthday this year I was really sad because I didn't hear from anyone. Of course throughout the course of the day I received the Facebook happy birthday's from 8 various old high school friends and that is appreciated and then a woman who took me in as her own when I was 15 yrs old took me out to lunch and gave me a gift and I am not trivializing that because she has become the only family I have over the years. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that this was the day I came into this world and celebrated with me. Even her niece texted me to say happy birthday.  The thing that cast a shadow over the entire day was that not one biological family member contacted me in any way. Not my biological father who has claimed he loves me and wants a relationship with me, not either of my sister's, not my brother, not a cousin, an aunt, an uncle....none of my close friends, and not even the guy I have been dating on occasion the last few months.
I wish I could let the hurt go. I wish I could stop wanting my biological family to treat me better. I wish I knew why my entire life I have just never seemed important to them. I know it can't be anything I did because what could a child possibly do to cause her biological families to treat her this way her entire life. I've told myself to pretend it doesn't bother me, you know what they say fake it till you make it, but when I am alone with my thoughts the hurt creeps in and I can't help but wonder.

I am thankful for Karen and her family members who treat me like one of their own and I will continue to appreciate all they do for me and try to not let my own biological families hurt cast a shadow over the good things I do have in my life.