Frustrated........

Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we think it should or want it to.

When I was a little girl living with a mother who was dying from cancer while I was being sexually abused all I wanted was for someone to step in and rescue me. Even after I finally told my "father" what was happening to me, he let me down by telling me there wasn't room in his house for me. This was a devastating blow to that little girl. On top of feeling abused and unloved, burdened with watching her mother slowly and painfully die she was now saddled with feelings of abandonment by a person who was supposed to take care of her, love her and protect her.  This experience has stayed with me throughout my entire life. It wrote on the slate of who I was to become. It has affected every relationship I have had and continues to affect my ability to connect and trust others.

After my mother died of course my father was forced to come and get me but he didn't get in any kind of hurry to get there. Once there though it was a whole different experience. I felt the tension, I felt as if I wasn't wanted there. Like I was an unwanted burden from my "father's" past. I never could quite understand this though because my older sister was always treated as if she belonged even though I did not. I couldn't understand why she was accepted and loved and I wasn't. I felt so alone. I felt I had no one on my side. I felt as if I didn't belong and no one wanted me. I couldn't understand what I had done so wrong to make no one love me or want me. The years went by and things got worse. My "father" and his 2nd wife divorced and he blamed me for it. He constantly told me she left because of me. I put on this tough exterior and acted as if it didn't hurt me, but I also engaged in a lot of reckless, self destructive behavior because of the feelings of being unloved,  unwanted, and neglected.

Eventually, I was emancipated because after my "father's" marriage to his 3rd wife the court was able to get an excellent view into the abusive and neglectful life I had been put into and thought at 16 I would be better on my own. I always thought that this was a sad statement that even the legal system thought I would be better on my own than in my only living parent's house but I also agreed with them.

I never heard from one single family member. No one ever offered to help me and the remainder of my high school years was a great struggle to continue with school, pay bills, manage to get everything I needed, and survive but I did it for awhile. This survival though came at a great price. My reckless, self destructive behaviors put me in harms way several times and one night when I woke up to a man on top of me in my bed who I did not know nor did I let in the house much less my room a boyfriend's (at the time) mother came to my rescue and allowed me to stay with them until I graduated and went to college.

Even after I went to college though I always still felt alone and abandoned and I desperately wanted to be loved. I entered into many relationships out of the pure need to not be alone and feel loved but because of my experiences these relationships never lasted long and I never really truly trusted anyone and the cycle continued well into my adult hood. To this day I still have difficulty trusting anyone and have difficulty connecting with anyone.

Even with all this baggage I continue through out my life to try and heal but it's still difficult to connect and trust others. With a line of bad relationships behind me of people who lied, and cheated and stole from me I still try to put myself out there and take the risk to find love. To find someone I can trust. To find someone I can build a life with. It's not easy though because everyone seems to have some kind of  baggage of their own.

A few months back my friends introduced me to another friend of theirs who they thought would be a really good math for me. We met and things went well. He was a single dad in the military. He owned his own house and been married once. He was an outdoorsy kind of guy, hard worker, good father, good sense of humor and was attractive. We seem to have a lot of common interests.  A couple of weeks went by and when the mutual friends invited him out to their house again he asked them to also invite me out. Another occasion where I thought things went well.  A couple of more weeks went by and he texted me inviting me to another outing. Another evening I thought things went well. Then a couple more weeks went by and after a couple of ignored texts to him I thought, "he's just not that into me" and I had decided to move on. Then my birthday came around and our mutual friends were going to have a dinner for me. Surprising to me he showed up at the dinner. We had another good evening, so I thought. Then for the last 2 weeks nothing......now I could be jumping the gun and  this couple of weeks thing could just be his pattern but I am so confused by him.  I hate not knowing where I stand.

My friend tells me that he has his own issues from past relationships because his ex just up and left him while he was out of the country. His own family had a lot of issues, but I keep thinking these are not excuses for complete silence for a couple of weeks and then a sudden pop up. All I want is to have some communication in between the random get togethers every couple of weeks but getting him to respond has proven to be a difficult task. My friend's husband says not to take it personally because he does the same thing to him, but to me when you are trying to get to know someone it seems like communication might be a priority.