Family

It's funny because my sister and I did not grow up together. She was raised with our father and his 2nd wife and I was raise by our mother until she passed away and then lived with our father and his 2nd family for about 3 -3 &1/2 years before they divorced and we were all split up and I began the emancipation process.  By that time my sister was a senior in high school and I was a freshman. 

Growing up I looked up to my sister so much. I looked forward to the short time in the Summer I was able to spend with her but as all older/younger sibling relationships she never wanted me to tag along with her and her friends and always made sure I was aware of it.  It never changed how much I looked up to her though. 

Once my mom passed away and I had to move in with them I came to believe she really didn't like me very much at all.  We fought all the time and she never wanted to do anything with me and I always just chalked it up to her being older than me. I thought as we grew older things would change and we would grow closer as many siblings do.  It seems just the opposite happened though. 

As we have grown older I feel more and more that she judges me on what she thinks she knows about me (which is very little because she doesn't seem to take an interest in the things I do or my life in general), I have heard comments she has made about me by others (which are totally hurtful and untrue) based on what she thinks she knows about me, I feel like she avoids me at all costs. Sometimes I feel like if we weren't related she would write me off as she has many people in her life.  Even with all this though I try to put those things aside in hopes that one day she and I will have an open discussion about all of it and I continue to try to reach out to her but it seems every time I call or text she cuts that short or if I say we need to get together she says yes we do and it never happens (when I first moved back to the area we had dinner on Thursday nights and she said we needed to get back to that but then I never head any more from her).  It just feels like there is always some excuse, she's busy with teaching, she's busy with my niece, she's busy with her husband's family, etc. etc. etc. as to why she doesn't have time for me or to spend together. I even tell her whenever you are in town for a meal call me and I will meet you but more times than I care to admit I see her on FB checking into a resturant in town and she never calls me. It hurts my feelings to think she has time for everything else in her life but no time for me.  I have invited her to come down to the animal center and volunteer with me, have dinner, let me know when is a good time to come out and visit, etc. etc. etc. but nothing. She's just too busy or as I believe more and more she just doesn't want to see me.  

Thinking this; hurts me deeply and I honestly don't think she cares (probably doesn't even think about how her actions may have hurt my feelings). I remember when I found out she was pregnant with my niece I told myself I was going to do whatever it took to have a relationship with my sister so I could have a relationship with my niece. My niece has always been the most important person in my life but even now the strain between my sister and I has kept me away from my niece.  

A few weeks ago a trusted mutual person told me her issue with me is that she thinks I'm a hippie (that person's word not mine) a free spirit and she doesn't understand me, but I don't understand why that alone would keep her from wanting to have a relationship with her sister.  Never the less here we sit. It's her birthday and I texted her 3 hours ago to tell her happy birthday (because she's at the dr with a sick family member) and I have yet to hear anything from her.  I asked her a question yesterday via text and she never responded. 

It just hurts my heart.  I am sure if she see's this feed post on my FB and bothers to read it she's going to be upset at me, because it seems like I can't do anything right in her eyes but honestly I don't worry about it because I have always lived life by my rules and have never cared what anyone thought about how I live. I have made mistakes and I have had great successes and achievements and adventures and I will continue to live this way. I just wish she could accept me for who I am; as I do her and be my sister.  I know we are as different as night and day and I am ok with that. Sometimes I have things I want to talk to her about but its a subject that when I have brought it up in the past she's changed because I can tell it makes her uncomfortable or what not. Sometimes I want to share good news with her or know how she's doing from her instead of second hand from mutual people in our lives but I fear I will never have a bond with her and I just don't understand why.