There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

6 years ago, when my divorce was final I found life to be very lonely and I was sad at the ending of my marriage.However, as I have done with every other situation in my life, I picked my self up, dusted myself off and continued moving forward in order to survive.

There were many occasions in which I wished I was still married like trying to recover financially from the divorce - two incomes are always better than one. Since I no longer had a partner though this meant in order for me to have two incomes I would have to have two jobs. Yeah, I felt like I was a teenager again, working multiple jobs just to pay the bills. Ugh!!! This left no time for a social life so my existence became a very lonely one.  Many dark hours were spent sitting on the floor grieving for the loss of my marriage and my partner. My dear best friend helped me through many dark nights just so I could continue on with my miserable existence.  

As I slowly accepted my new life and was able to get back on my feet financially things seemed to be a little better for me because once again I could afford to travel to see family & friends again and this helped with the feelings of sadness and lonlieness. I was able to move passed the grieving of the loss of relationship which is much like a death because what you once had will never be again. I was able to move past the anger (even though it does return from time to time in particular situations - but that's for later mentioning) and I was able to move past the sadness of knowing there was a possibility that I might be alone for the rest of my life. All of these feelings were replaced with a determination to moved forward in my life and with my goals and create the success I wanted for myself. This meant no matter what I had to continue to move forward. 

I have made my home truly my own & it only reflects my personality. The trips I take are places I want to go, when I want to go. My entire days are strictly planned around my own desires and needs an no one else's.  To many this may sound wonderful, but at times this can be one of the best and worst parts of a solitary life. 

I do not have a  partner to share my burdens with. I do not have a partner to share my joys with. I do not have a soft place to fall when the world is cruel and I just need a lovely place to feel safe and secure in. I do not have a friendly face to come home to or miss when I am gone. I do not have a partner to miss me while I am away. Sometimes I am greatful for these things when I listen to many of my married friends complain about their relationships but then other times when I am sitting alone watching a movie at night or there are home repairs needing to be done, or when I just feel stressed and need someone to lean on I truly miss having a partner.  

Recently, I have been over doing it between work and all the things that have to be done around my house and the rental property but I have no other choice because these things have to be done and I alone am responsible for these things. People always comment to me they do not know where I find the energy to accomplish all the tasks I accomplish but what they don't realize is that I do not have a choice. If I do not accomplish all the tasks at hand, then they just do not get accomplished. Without someone to share my life with all the responsibilities of caring for the life & environment I have created become mine and mine alone.  

I am sure I will get over this feeling of being over whelmed as I always do & I will find a way to accomplish all the things that need to be accomplished  -but for now, I guess  I am just tired which lends itself to sadness and in time I am sure I will over come these feelings and once again step out alone to face what life has brought my way but  for now I just wish for rest.